Funny?

[Underpants]

I was talking to two girls, a blonde and a brunette.
Told them I could 'see' colours through my fingers but they didn't believe me.
So I told them that I would bet £10 that I could tell what colour their knickers
were without seeing them by just putting my hand up their skirt and touching the knickers.
The brunette agreed to try it and put £10 on the table, I matched it.
Put my hand up her skirt and felt her knickers for a minute and said that they
were white with pink flowers (a complete guess) and she was amazed that I
was right.
The blonde went next, I put my hand up her skirt and felt round for a minute or
two before giving her the £10.
She laughed and said she knew she'd win the bet.
The brunette asked her why?
The blonde said that she knew she'd win as she wasn't wearing knickers!

[Runesmith]

Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?"
"Yeah," says the other cowboy.
"Look," says the first one, "he`s listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."
Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."
"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"
The Indian looks up and says,

Spoiler:

"Ran over me about a half hour ago."

[Runesmith]

Definition of success
At age 4 success is . . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . . having a drivers licence.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers licence.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

[Runesmith]

A new supermarket opened in our town.

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh cut hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks and brats.

In the liquor department, the fresh, clean, crisp smell of tapped Hefeweizen.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

[Runesmith]

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met.
After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress.

Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.


Who was the survivor? ...........................

Now open the first spoiler and see if your guess was correct.

Spoiler:

Answer: The perfect woman survived.
She's the only one who really existed in the first place.
Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.

Men, open the next spoiler.

Spoiler:

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident.

By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.

[Runesmith]

Three friends die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the pearly gates to enter heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your coffin and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say....... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"

[Runesmith]

Thinking of recording a greeting message for your answering machine (if you are under 20, you probably won't know what that is, so don't bother reading)? Here are some suggestions:

• Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down and I like doing it left to right ... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.
  
  
• Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message and if I don't call back, it's you.
  
  
• I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks
  
  
• If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message
  
  
• I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my shape, one of them will get back to you.

[Underpants]

Yesterday a woman in the street asked me the quickest way to get to the hospital.
So I pushed her under a bus.

[Underpants]

I went to the doctor last week complaining about terrible headaches.
He said that he thought that they were being caused by stress and I should
do something to try and reduce my stress levels. He said that when it happened
to him he would get his wife to give him a blowjob and that I should try that too.
I went back to him today and said that the blowjobs were helping to reduce my
stress and I'd only had one headache in the last week. And I also told him that
his wife was very pretty.

[Underpants]

Years ago I was parked in my car down a quiet country lane just before
midnight when the Police tapped on my window.
Police: Evening Sir, what are you doing?
Me: Reading the paper
Police: How old are you?
Me: 19
Police: and the girl sitting in the back reading a magazine, how old is she?
Me: *looking at my watch* She's 16 in 5 and a half minutes.


Before anybody says anything, 16 is the age of consent in the UK

[Runesmith]

Originally Posted by Underpants

Before anybody says anything, 16 is the age of consent in the UK

You bunch of sheep-shagging pedophiles!

We do it the other way around - you can drive at 16, but you can only screw at 18.

[Runesmith]

A very handsome and confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and can't help but ask, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just brought this clairvoyant watch."

"Clairvoyant?" asked the woman incredulously.

"Yes, it can tell me things that are hidden or secret," the man explains.

"What's it telling you now? "

"Well, it says you're not wearing neither a bra nor panties"

The woman laughs and replies, "well, it must be broken then because I am wearing a bra and panties !"

The man taps on the face of the watch and explains, "Damn this thing is an hour fast !"

[Runesmith]

Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their diversity.

"You are all part of our team now" said the Human Resources rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any employees."

The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss remarked "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked increase in the whole company's performance. However, one of our SECRETARIES has disappeared. Do any of you know what has happened to her?"

They all shook their heads saying "No." After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others "OK. Which one of you idiots ate the SECRETARY?"

A hand rose hesitantly. "You fool!" the leader yelled. "For four weeks we've been eating MANAGERS and no one noticed anything. But NOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something."

[Runesmith]

While walking down the street one day a Trump voter is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'We have adopted what you have done and gone against the establishment rules.'

'So what does that mean for me?' asks the Trump voter.

'We have done away with silly concepts like sin and merit. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the Trump voter.

'I'm sorry, but we have our new rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians he had voted for.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the DT himself, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the Trump voter joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The Trump voter reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The DT comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the Trump voter. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?'

The DT looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning.. ..


Today you voted!!!'

[HeadMaze]

I don't know why but I seem to attracted madness most places I go which usually ends in something funny.

One that comes to mind, once when I was a kid I was playing football, The ball went over a fence and into a ditch behind it, I went to get it and there was a man in the ditch who was naked. He looked at me and said "Never take LSD" handed me the ball and then passed out.

Another one would be just yesterday, I was leaving a bar and to my right a guy was standing at a Close door peeing. After he was done he took out a keychain and went in.

You'll Find that life is full off mad things if you watch what happens around you.