Curious about D/s relationships

[Qing]

Hi all! This is my first post at GetDare after snooping around the site for some time. I have always wanted to find out more about this kind of relationships and how I can be a part of it, hence finally stumbling upon this community. I am 22/f, so definitely legal

I have never had any experience with BDSM, but the thought of being controlled and dominated always seem to excite me. An example is like being commanded to dress in a certain way while cleaning, or being tied up. However, the idea of masturbation really turns me off. By masturbation, I only refer to stimulating of the clitoris, so that does not include nipple play or breast bondage. I am also a virgin, so no vaginal penetrations for me. I would not mind anal insertions though. I have never inserted anything inside the anus but am curious to try.

My questions:
Is there anyone out there that will take in a submissive with such limits?
Even if I do find someone, is it still considered a d/s relationship?
From the point of a dominant, how would you feel if you cannot incorporate those elements into the play?

After browsing the different personal ads, most of them require some form of masturbation, or having the vagina penetrated. I am currently not looking for a dominant, hence I thought I should post my questions here instead.

I apologise if I have used any terms wrongly. I am really new to all this and really just want to explore.

Thank you for taking your time to read and comment. Really appreciate it.

[Endu]

Interesting questions, though I feel like you're going to open the flood gates by saying all this.

I'm sure there are people out there who would respect those limits. I know there are.

You really have to determine what kind of D/s relationship you're after.

You say no masturbation, so does this mean you want something more intimate and long term? Or less intimate and more short term?

In other words: Are you looking for a relationship, or a play partner?

It really comes down to what masturbation means to you, too.

Why does masturbation turn you off? I'm not asking for me - this is really important for you to know so that you can know better what you want, and maybe communicate it to someone you happen to get close to and develop something with.

Otherwise, you might risk people entering the relationship with the wrong ideas.

D/s is not defined by vaginal penetration, though. It's not defined by sex at all. It's a relationship dynamic, meaning that what makes it D/s is how you behave around each other.

As a dominant, it's neither here nor there for me. I personally don't care.

I look for much more intimate and long term relationships - sex is a non-issue and would come naturally over time.

So from my perspective, that's perfectly fine.

Just be careful - not everyone's like me. Plenty of perfectly great girls end up leaving the scene in disgrace after they hook up with a bad dom.

[CalmInControl]

Originally Posted by Qing

My questions:
Is there anyone out there that will take in a submissive with such limits?
Even if I do find someone, is it still considered a d/s relationship?
From the point of a dominant, how would you feel if you cannot incorporate those elements into the play?

I apologise if I have used any terms wrongly. I am really new to all this and really just want to explore.

TLDR; Spend some time perusing the board if you're unsure. Create a list of what you're after and speak to several potential dominants before making a decision.

Long Version
You'll find that every dominant is different and while the majority (at least on getDare) are after sexual d/s relationships there are quite a number of people who want non-sexual d/s relationships. On these forums you'll commonly find a lot of d/s play centered around non-sexual acts such as bladder control, embarrassment, humiliation, and scheduling tasks such as dieting and exercise.

Usually I wouldn't see any reason why a d/s relationship revolving around non-sexual aspects couldn't still be a d/s relationship. An example is there are a lot of 'daddy-doms' who will take care of a submissive and control her life much like a father without actually having any sexual contact.

It would really depend on the dominant and the personalities involved. Generally speaking most dominants will have a list of fetishes or aspects they would prefer to incorporate into play and only a few (but not most) of these will not be deal breakers. I'd be very surprised if you were unable to find a dominant with both clitoral/vaginal play being your only two limits.

As far as using terms correctly there's several terms that will get thrown about confusingly but for the most part people understand the general message. A few terms with definitions that are often confused (or not differentiated clearly) in my mind are: dominant/master/top and submissive/slave/bottom. However, for the most part even if a person uses the term 'incorrectly' you can still get a good idea of what they're after.

Given you're new around here my best suggestion would be to take a look around the various threads and profiles on the board and get an idea of:
1. What are your likes, dislikes and limits?
2. What aspects of your life do you want a dominant to control?
3. What aspects of your life do you not want a dominant to control?
4. What are you aiming to achieve by submitting? Do you have any particular goals (i.e. academic, weight loss, anal stretching) in mind?
5. Do you have any other requirements for a dominant? (i.e. age, time-zone, communication preferences)

Personally, I wouldn't put up an advertisement without at least having a reasonable idea of the above. Also, I generally wouldn't recommend a submissive to rush in and submit to the first dominant they find. It might be worth chatting to several and even having a 'trial day/week' with a few to get an idea of which suits you best.

At the end of the day a d/s relationship is what you want it to be and will only be as fulfilling as the dominant and submissive decide to make it. So as long as the two of you are on the same page it should be peachy-keen.

Hope this helps!

[skrote]

Is there anyone out there that will take in a submissive with such limits?

D/s stands for domination/submission, not domination/slave. In the BDSM lifestyle the mantra is "Safe, Sane, Consensual" It is all about respecting another persons limits. I know it might not seem like it online, but quite a bit of BDSM play does not even need to involve penetration.

At play parties (A gathering of several people who want to participate in BDSM activities) often times there is a strict no penetration rule anyway. Of course this is real life, but if it can be respected in person, I can't imagine it would not be respected online.

Even if I do find someone, is it still considered a d/s relationship? In my opinion yes, but of course everyone's definition of that is different so it will vary by person. So my opinion is that I believe you can find someone that will respect your limits, and since you are still submitting to them, I would consider it a D/s Relationship

From the point of a dominant, how would you feel if you cannot incorporate those elements into the play? I'm a switch, but I would say I'm more the submissive so I don't think I'm the best one to answer that. But from the flip side, if someone had a limit about administering spankings, but it was something I enjoyed, I would not "dump" them or not pursue the BDSM dynamic.


I hope this helps you on your search

[Qing]

Originally Posted by Endu

You say no masturbation, so does this mean you want something more intimate and long term? Or less intimate and more short term?

In other words: Are you looking for a relationship, or a play partner?

It really comes down to what masturbation means to you, too.

Why does masturbation turn you off? I'm not asking for me - this is really important for you to know so that you can know better what you want, and maybe communicate it to someone you happen to get close to and develop something with.


D/s is not defined by vaginal penetration, though. It's not defined by sex at all. It's a relationship dynamic, meaning that what makes it D/s is how you behave around each other.

Thank you for taking your time to reply to my questions. I would like to enter a long term relationship, but am really cautious about entering one. Masturbation turns me off as it gives me extreme pain, even after lubrication and stimulation. Even if I were to climax, I would like it to be done in the presence of the person I am committed to, not by myself, even though there's a webcam or pictures. Thank you for pointing out to me that not everything is sexual. I had the impression that it was.

I am really sorry if my post is inaccurate in any way.

[Endu]

Originally Posted by Qing

Thank you for taking your time to reply to my questions. I would like to enter a long term relationship, but am really cautious about entering one. Masturbation turns me off as it gives me extreme pain, even after lubrication and stimulation. Even if I were to climax, I would like it to be done in the presence of the person I am committed to, not by myself, even though there's a webcam or pictures. Thank you for pointing out to me that not everything is sexual. I had the impression that it was.

I am really sorry if my post is inaccurate in any way.

No, no, no. You were fine.

I asked those questions to make sure you knew what you wanted and were able to communicate that.

I'm going to tell you something here that most people won't want to say.

Please, listen carefully because you seem like a fantastic girl.

If you jump right away into anything sexual with anyone, you will get hurt. There is no "maybe" here - you will get hurt.

It sounds to me like you something more intimate and romantic because you mention the word "commitment".

If I could give you any advice, it would be: Don't even be here. Just look for a decent, normal guy. Decent, normal guys have fetishes too. Trust me.

The reason I say this is because the kind of connection you want is not built on sex.

The kind of submission you're looking for is a loving, respectful one, where the man you're with earns it - it doesn't involve you giving it away.

Do you understand what I'm saying?

Please be very, very careful.

[Qing]

Originally Posted by CalmInControl

TLDR; Spend some time perusing the board if you're unsure. Create a list of what you're after and speak to several potential dominants before making a decision.

Thanks for the tips! Part of me want to try going into an online relationship to try it out, but I really do know what I am getting into before starting anything. Really appreciate your kind advice!

[CalmInControl]

Originally Posted by Qing

Thanks for the tips! Part of me want to try going into an online relationship to try it out, but I really do know what I am getting into before starting anything. Really appreciate your kind advice!

An online d/s relationship (as is any relationship in life really) can be whatever you decide you want it to be. You just have to make sure both people are on the same page wanting the same things so that it works out.

You needn't get bogged down with labels or names for things but focus more on the content and whether both people are working towards common goals.

All the best in your search

[Sindrato]

Originally Posted by Qing

Masturbation turns me off as it gives me extreme pain, even after lubrication and stimulation.

This one considered, it's probably not what you want to hear, but the solution is- practice, practice, and practice. And I mean going back to step one. Exploring your body, finding where and how to touch, etc. Now, you probably can go without masturbation, and that's perfectly fine. But once you find someone you want to sleep with, you will still experience the same pain, probably even after "normal intercourse".

Now, I'm not saying this because I think D/s relationship is impossible without sex, quite the opposite. I'm merely saying that you might want to deal with the problem sooner, rather than later.

Now, back to your original question, as much as I hate to do it, I have to agree with Endu here. Do not look for commitment here, you won't find any. With this single sub-forum being a little, and just a little, more tempered, this board is based on sex. Pure, animalistic, emotionless sex. While I am sure you could find the guy you're looking for here, chances are you would run into an idiot.

Many young submissives have no clear definition of what domination is. Many consider it... well, lacking a better term, abuse. And if you're going to remember only one thing from this whole thread, remember this: Domination is not abuse. True, some D/s couples, oh, hell, most D/s couples practice some form of pain play, but it's way different from abuse. The principal difference being: A true dom might put you in pain, but he would never harm you.

Now, in online relationships, I'm by no means an expert, but I've been observing them for quite some time. And the one thing I've seen is that they are based mostly on sex and sadism. And your limits take away the sex- for the most part at least. In such an arrangement, you could easily get very hurt, both emotionally and physically. Both because your partners don't know how, and maybe even don't want to prevent it.

So, I'd have to agree with Endu's judgement. Stay away from GetDare. And don't get me wrong. By all means, stay, read, talk, make friends, maybe even do a few dares. But don't take up a dom here. Not yet, at least.

[Qing]

Hey all!

Thank you for all the advice that you guys took time to give. I am much clearer now when it comes to all this. I will take the advice of Endu and Sindrato, which is to not commit to a relationship here. But I guess I will be hanging around, asking questions once in a while when the occasion arises.

Really thank you all for giving a newbie and curious girl advice and pointing her in the right direction!

[CalmInControl]

Originally Posted by Sindrato

Now, back to your original question, as much as I hate to do it, I have to agree with Endu here. Do not look for commitment here, you won't find any. With this single sub-forum being a little, and just a little, more tempered, this board is based on sex. Pure, animalistic, emotionless sex. While I am sure you could find the guy you're looking for here, chances are you would run into an idiot.

...

So, I'd have to agree with Endu's judgement. Stay away from GetDare. And don't get me wrong. By all means, stay, read, talk, make friends, maybe even do a few dares. But don't take up a dom here. Not yet, at least.

Whilst I agree that it will be hard to find a committed non-idiot on getDare I would actually argue getDare is the most likely place for her (at least from the smallish number of d/s websites I visit) to find what she is after.

Perhaps I'm visiting the wrong sites but all of the others are far more sexualised than this board. Only exception is perhaps FL but that's about a dozen times harder to 'break into' than gD.

gD seems to have a reasonably sized non-sexual segment who focus on dares/tasks such as clothing, bathroom control, exercise, and wedgies. I'm actually of the belief that gD is a better site-match for her than CM, FL, Lit but the key is differentiating the 'good' from the 'bad'.

Fortunately, it's really not that hard

[Sindrato]

Originally Posted by CalmInControl

Whilst I agree that it will be hard to find a committed non-idiot on getDare I would actually argue getDare is the most likely place for her (at least from the smallish number of d/s websites I visit) to find what she is after.

Perhaps I'm visiting the wrong sites but all of the others are far more sexualised than this board. Only exception is perhaps FL but that's about a dozen times harder to 'break into' than gD.

gD seems to have a reasonably sized non-sexual segment who focus on dares/tasks such as clothing, bathroom control, exercise, and wedgies. I'm actually of the belief that gD is a better site-match for her than CM, FL, Lit but the key is differentiating the 'good' from the 'bad'.

Fortunately, it's really not that hard

Frankly, I'd both agree and disagree with you.

I'd agree in the part that GD is probably among the least sexualised sites catering to BDSM. However, that does not make it non-sexualised.

BDSM does not revolve around sex. However, it's primary purpose is, and always will be, sexual gratification. That being said, there is one thing that does revolve around sex- namely, the internet.

Saying the clothing, bathroom control, wedgies and exercise are not sex based is simply... shallow, no offense meant. Yes, they may not include sex in and of themselves, but all of these tasks are meant to cause sexual arousal. In fact, other than exercise, they have no other point.

And I didn't mean to advise her to go looking for a dom on FetLife, or, god forbid, some other site. I was advising her to go look for, whatever she decides she's searching for- be it a dom, a boyfriend, or a little bit of both, out in real life. Even if she decides to go full BDSM, and starts looking for a dom in BDSM clubs, I still feel that's far safer than anything internet could ever offer.

[Sharp Shooter]

You may simply be looking for a mentor more than a dominant. So you can ask questions more as a student than as one expected to obey an instruction. This should allow you to gain better understanding without the "fear of failure" or disappointing anyone, including yourself.

You're smart to want to understand the landscape before you commit to anything. When it's time to commit, do it because you know it's both a part of you and that you're committing to someone with whom you feel very comfortable.

[Simi]

I know i may compare across as highly sexual on these forums and honestly i like many others do come here for enjoyment i believe i can still weigh in on the subject.
I am a switch but at present IRL i only have my slave and a few subs who i deal with presently. Sex does not need to be included at all, for me i am at my least sexual when i am dominating and i much prefer controlling someone to using them just for sex. (i am possibly odd in this aspect but there are several others like me who enjoy the control as the main reason)
My slave is a highly masochistic boy/puppy slave and so sex is not on the cards all that often. We both fullly enjoy play with absolutly no sexual contact or with a lot of teasing and anal play, it make very little difference it is the dynamic which we enjoy. I know my boy actually finds pure domination and control even without sex far more enjoyable than if he was to be in an entirely sexually based relationship.
Just take your time. honestly i would suggest just talking to people in the scene/lifestyle and seeing what sort of things make you curious. Dont rush into anything and just take it easy. with all things easing into it can be a very good idea especially something which can be as overwhelming as BDSM and D/s relationships.
if you ever want someone to talk to about these things your welcome to drop me a message and i will happily talk to you about things
(ps on the subject of masturabation did you say clitoral stimulation causes pain or is it just vaginal? if clit stim does then it sounds rather odd to me. I have had some friends who found they could thoroughly enjoy masturabation either entirely anally or just just anal and clitoral and even had several play partners (1 of them was me) all of whom respected it.)
Remember everyone is unique so there will always be someone out there willing to help you

[CalmInControl]

Originally Posted by Sindrato

Saying the clothing, bathroom control, wedgies and exercise are not sex based is simply... shallow, no offense meant. Yes, they may not include sex in and of themselves, but all of these tasks are meant to cause sexual arousal. In fact, other than exercise, they have no other point.

And I didn't mean to advise her to go looking for a dom on FetLife, or, god forbid, some other site. I was advising her to go look for, whatever she decides she's searching for- be it a dom, a boyfriend, or a little bit of both, out in real life. Even if she decides to go full BDSM, and starts looking for a dom in BDSM clubs, I still feel that's far safer than anything internet could ever offer.

(Originally I was going to PM this reply to keep the thread less argumentative/debate-worthy but I suppose it might be helpful to others out there.)

We probably have different definitions because while controlling a person's clothing may lead to arousal I still consider it a largely non-sexual act. Additionally it's likely a moot point because the OP seems more concerned on avoiding explicitly sexual activity than avoiding anything remotely sexual in nature (she's open to anal insertions).

You're also probably looking at it largely from the dominant view because I feel most of the submissives I've either dominated or spoken to on a platonic level have all enjoyed servitude as much as the task at hand - and not necessarily in a sexual manner. I'd argue that a submissive who is in it purely for sexual pleasure is perhaps more a bottom than a submissive. All of the submissives I've known have enjoyed the connection, knowledge and security of being dominated rather than simply enjoying the sex.

Finally, I would posit that attempting these things online is far safer than offline as the submissive should always be in physical control of the environment. Your potential for non-consensual actions drops significantly in comparison to if she were to go offline and get bound then murdered/raped by a serial killer/rapist.

Where the girl is sensible and of sound mind (which she seems to be); and avoids giving out personal information or blackmail material I do feel online is actually safer. Just my opinion though. Additionally I believe it's far easier to segment the vanilla life from the d/s pastime when the pastime is anonymous. Ability for kink to 'leak' into your vanilla life is far reduced (i.e. your dominant won't accidentally tell their friend who happens to know you about what you two have been up to.)