Old 08-09-2010, 11:23 PM   #31
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I actually like it the way she writes it. It's different. You don't have to change it 8)
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Old 08-09-2010, 11:33 PM   #32
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Changing it would mean a vast improvement in readability.
In certain instances changing your writing from proper English is fine, for example, when you're role playing, or in the style of the narrator, (for example, if the narrator was a little kid, then you might purposely mess up big words, like owl does in winnie the pooh, ) but this is not one of those times
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Old 08-10-2010, 12:59 PM   #33
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Default Actually...

Quote:
Originally Posted by equilibrium View Post
I'm sorry, but I can't read this story, when it hasn't be formatted properly.

the proper way is:

"This is a example." said John Smith.
Jane Doe looked surprised "Oh!" She exclaimed, " Look, proper English!"
"Look," John smith says, " I can even write action as well."
And with that statement, John smith leant in and pressed his lips to Jane's.

If you want, I could be your beta reader/mentor?
A beta reader reads through work and fixes problems.

"This is an example." said John Smith.
Jane Doe looked surprised. "Oh!" She exclaimed, " Look, proper English!"
"Look," John Smith said, " I can even write action as well."
And with that statement, John Smith leant in and pressed his lips to Jane's.


Everyone has a different style of writing and although this is less conventional and standard, it still works. I'm enjoying this story and am looking forward to more!
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Old 08-10-2010, 06:28 PM   #34
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Quote:
Originally Posted by equilibrium View Post
I'm sorry, but I can't read this story, when it hasn't be formatted properly.

the proper way is:

"This is a example." said John Smith.
Jane Doe looked surprised "Oh!" She exclaimed, " Look, proper English!"
"Look," John smith says, " I can even write action as well."
And with that statement, John smith leant in and pressed his lips to Jane's.

If you want, I could be your beta reader/mentor?
A beta reader reads through work and fixes problems.


Just letting you know,I'm actually writing it the right way. I'm writing it as a screen play.
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Old 08-11-2010, 01:30 AM   #35
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pls continue writing
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Old 08-11-2010, 01:50 AM   #36
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bangin View Post
"This is an example." said John Smith.
Jane Doe looked surprised. "Oh!" She exclaimed, " Look, proper English!"
"Look," John Smith said, " I can even write action as well."
And with that statement, John Smith leant in and pressed his lips to Jane's.


Everyone has a different style of writing and although this is less conventional and standard, it still works. I'm enjoying this story and am looking forward to more!
Actually, A is correct, for me at least .I was always taught that An is for vowel sounds, A is for consonant sounds
I, with my accent, say x-am-ple.

It talks about it more at the end of this page http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/591/01/

Quote:
Originally Posted by KittyCat91
Just letting you know,I'm actually writing it the right way. I'm writing it as a screen play.
Oh I'm sorry.
Please accept my apology.
I'm only used to reading plays, not screen plays, and they are a bit different,
starting with stage directions and scene setting.
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Old 08-11-2010, 11:58 AM   #37
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Quote:
Originally Posted by equilibrium View Post
Actually, A is correct, for me at least .I was always taught that An is for vowel sounds, A is for consonant sounds
I, with my accent, say x-am-ple.

It talks about it more at the end of this page http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/591/01/



Oh I'm sorry.
Please accept my apology.
I'm only used to reading plays, not screen plays, and they are a bit different,
starting with stage directions and scene setting.


Well writing in accents is bad! :P Only messing, I just wanted to stick up for the story and love grammar debates (yeah, I'm a geek.) But I stand by the correct way being 'an example' because the 'e' is still a vowel sound in 'proper' English. To be honest though, our language is so varied it doesn't really matter I guess!
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Old 08-11-2010, 12:33 PM   #38
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Quote:
Originally Posted by zeke View Post
I like everything about this story except the homo-sexual couple
I love the story though
Why dont you like the gay couple?
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Old 08-11-2010, 09:51 PM   #39
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Quote:
Originally Posted by equilibrium View Post
Actually, A is correct, for me at least .I was always taught that An is for vowel sounds, A is for consonant sounds
I, with my accent, say x-am-ple.

It talks about it more at the end of this page http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/591/01/



Oh I'm sorry.
Please accept my apology.
I'm only used to reading plays, not screen plays, and they are a bit different,
starting with stage directions and scene setting.


its okay. Just have too keep in minde that there are many way of writing
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Old 08-13-2010, 12:57 AM   #40
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Default Chapter 4 (part 2)

Kaiden has called his friend to come over,and he was going to be here any minute. Jeremy and Kaiden waited for him to in the living room,while James an I were still in my brother's room. I was kind of nervous for it has been a year since I had to visit a doctor. I had the flue last time I was sick,and it was really bad too where I had to get a shot. Jeremy had to literally drag and carry me into the doctors office.
I look over at James laying next to me,and he has fallen asleep with the ice pack still in his hand,laying on my head. My head still hurt,but not as bad as before. I was at least able to open and close my eyes without making my head hurt.I then heard foot steps coming closer to the room. just before Jeremy, Kaiden and his friend was about to walk in, I close my eyes pretending that I'm still asleep.

Jeremy: (new that I wasn't really asleep,starts joking around) Woah,thats one big needle. I guess you should probably go ahead and stick it in her now while shes asleep. (He tickles my right arm,making me think a needle was about to be stuck in me)

Cathryn: (thinking he was actually serious, I open my eyes and start freking out) NO,DON"T!!!! ( Before I could push Jeremy's arma way,he quickly moves it before I could hit him, and makes me accidently wake James up by punching his groins)

James: (wakes up shokingly in pain) OWWW, Son of a bitch.

Cathryn: (I put my hand where his is holding his groins,trying to comfort him)Oh,baby.Im sooo sorry. Jeremy freaked me out and made me hit you. Are you okay?

Jeremy: (talking to James) The doctor is here if you need him to look at that.

James: (trying to calm himself down) I think I'll be fine. (takes the ice pack from my head) I'm just gonna borrow this. (He lays the ice pack down onto of his groins) Shit,thats cold. Could i traid this for a heat pack?

Kaiden: (inturrupts James) Anyways...Cathryn,this is my friend Dr.Maddox.

Bradon: (he gives a frim hand shake) Nice to meet you Cathryn.

Cathryn: Nice to meet you too.

Bradon: Your brother tells me that your afriad of doctors? If it makes you more comfortable,then you can call me Bradon.

Cathryn: I'm not afraid of doctors,I just hate them. No offense.

Bradon: (chuckles at my comment) Non taken. (He lays his briefcase down on Jerem'y night stand,and starts looking around in it.) Now,wheres that needle at?

Cathryn: (I start to get scared and get up from out of the bed.I try to make an excuse to leave) I'm gonna go get James that heat pack for James.
(Jeremy and Kaiden both cuff their arms around mine,and make me lay back down)

Jeremy: I don't think so,you're staying here.

Bradon: (laughing) Relax sweety, I just kidding. I won't hurt you, I'm here to help you. Okay?

Cathryn: Okay.

Bradon: How does your head feel?

Cathryn: It still hurts, but the pain has gone down some.

Bradon: How did you hurt it?

Cathryn: I don't remeber.

JamesL I don't know what happened, but I found her laying at the bottom of the pool.

Bradon: (He puts his hand on my forhed,and brushes my hair back to look at my bruise) Hmmm,seems like you're lucky to be alive.

Jeremy: Is she going to be okay?

Bradon: Yes,its just a bruise. (talking to me) If you keep feeling pain,make sure to take some Ibuprofen, and you need to put an ice pack on your bruise for a couple of minuets, each day until the pain goes away. Understood?

Cathryn: Yes sir.

Bradon: If you start to feel worse or have any questions, just give me a call. (He writes his number down on a piece of paper and give it to me) Okay?

Cathryn: Okay.

Bradon: Hope you get better soon.

Cathryn: Thanks.

Kaiden: Thanks for coming over Bradon.

Bradon: Not a problem.

Jeremy: If you want Kaiden & I are having a small party later on tonight. You can come,if you want to.

Bradon: Okay,cool. What time?

Kaiden: Starts when the sun goes down.

Bradon: Alright,cool. See ya then.

(He leaves Jeremy's room, and Kaiden walks him out. Jeremy sits down in his egg chair,and starts reading my book I let him barrow called "Secret Fire")

Cathryn: You're having a part?

Jeremy: Yeah,so?

Cathryn: Didn't dad say no parties while he was gone?

Jeremy: Listen, dad isn't here and i'm incharge. I'm an adult so I can throw a party if and whenever I want too. So if you and your boyfriend will keep your mouthes shut, daddy won't know now will he?

Cathryn: Whatever.

Jeremy: Oh, and if you do tell dad,then I'll tell him that you're on birthcontroll pills without his permission.

Cathryn: (I'm shocked at what Jeremy had told me, I had know idea that he knew about that) How did you know about that?.

Jeremy: (He took out the pack that had my pills in it out of the book) Looks to me like you tried to hide them in your book. (He tosses the pack at me and I catch it)

Cathryn: (I'm so embarrassed that Jeremy caught me) How can this day possibly get any worse?. (I'm upset and lay my head down on James's chest)

Jeremy: You're grounded for a week.

James: I think it just did.

Cathryn: What?!? Jeremy thats not fair. Theres nothing wrong with taking these pill,they just help protect me.

Jeremy: You went behinde mine and dad's back just to get those fuckin pills. How in the hell did you even get your hands on them, without having an adult with you.

Cathryn: I did have an adult with me.

Jeremy: Who?!

Cathryn: James's mom was with me.

James: This is starting to get kind of awkward,so im going to go put the ice pack up,and leave you two alone. (James gets up out of the bed,and leaves Jerem's room)

Jeremy: (he has an evil smile on his face,like he got an idea from the book or something) You know what I got a better punishment. You're going to be my servant at my party tonight.

Cathryn: WHAT?!?

Jeremy: Its either that or you grounded for a whole week.

It did seem fair too me,I guess. I would rather be a servant just for one day,rather than being grounded for a whole week.

Cathryn: Fine. I would rather be your servant,than be grounded.

Jeremy: Okay,good. Oh yeah, your not just my servant your anyone's for whom comes to the party. You'll be cleaning up after us, and getting us what we want.

Cathryn: Fine,whatever. Who all is coming over tonight?

Jeremy: Well you already know that Bradon is coming. Jordan, Trey, and Logan are also comming over.

I was disugusted to hear that Logan was coming. I hate him,as he hates me.
I don't know why he hates me. I just hate the way he always has to find some way to humiliate me.
Cathryn: Yep,my day just keeps getting worse by the minute.

Jeremy: You better be nice too him.

Cathryn: The only reason why I'm not nice too him is because he always irritates me to death. Hes the one that needs to be nice too me.

Jeremy: Whatever. You need to take a nap so you can feel better for the party.

Cathryn: K, whatever. (I was wanting to get up and take a shower, but I was so exausted that I fell asleep)

While I was asleep I had the best dream. Jeremy,my mom,and my dad were in it. We were all togeather again as a family. We were all at the beach having a fun time,playing volly ball. Even James and Kaiden were there. We were all one big happy family.
Hours have went by, my dream was then inturrupted by Jeremy shaking my shoulder.

Jeremy: Cathryn,wake up. Its almost 6:00.

Cathryn: (im groaning because I don't want to get up) I don't wanna.

Jeremy: (spanks my butt) Get up,now. You need to go take a shower to get the pool water off of ya.

Cathryn: Okay, i will.

Jeremy: (Jeremy is fed up with having to wait on me, and disrespecting him)Alright,looks like wer'er gonna have to do this the hard way.(Jeremy picks me up carrying me like a baby in his arms.)

Cathryn: Jeremy,no. Please put me down. (hes ignoring my order) I can walk ya know.

Jeremy: Fine.(We are now in in my room,and he puts me down) Go to your bathroom, and take a shower. Now.

Cathryn: (I'm annoyed from Jeremy bossing me around) Okay.
(I go to my bathroom,and slam the door shut infrot of Jeremy's face)

My bathroom is very desent.Its a 400x300 master bathroom. My mom decorated my bathroom for me by herself.On the left side of the walls where my bath tub is, she painted the walls dark ocean blue, and made it look like as if you were under the ocean.She painted dophins, sea lions, sea otters, sea horses (my favorite sea animals), clown fish, and angel fish(my favorite fish) swimming happily under the ocean.On the right side where my toliet and sink were,she decorated it Artic theme. Starting split down the middle off the walls,she painted the water,and had polar bears,penguins (my favorite artic animals), and more sealions swimming happily under the ocean. Starting at th middle and stoping at the ceiling she painted glaciers floating ontop of the water,and more penguins and polar bears playing in the snow.
I have a white marble bathtub with a silver shower head, my cabbinets, sink, and toliet are also white marble.
Minutes have gone by,and I'm now done with my shower. I step out of the tub,grabb my towel hanging from the silver rack on my wall, dry myself off, and rapp it around my body. I leave the bathroom,going into my room.
My bed room is a 500x400 master bed room. My walls are painted bright lime green,and saphire blue (my favorite colors). I have a black Espresso Contemporary Queen Size bed,with lime green and blue swirling tie dye bed spread. Just like Jeremy's bed, mine also sits laying against the front, between my window, and the sliding glas door that leads to my own private balcony,and facing in the doorway. I have an egg chair that sits over in the upper left corner (the color of outer shell is white,and the inner shell is orange.It also came with a footstool.) I have a rubik cube nightstand,that sits on the left hand side,next to my bed. On the left hand side on the middle of the wall,are two book shelves that are shaped like Mr. and Mrs.Pac Man. I have a black plasma screen t.v, the lays on the wall facing my bed.
As I walked out of the bathroom door into my room, I see laying on my bed, the long black maid's dress with full light pink apron and mop cap,that I only wore once for a school play. I was wondering why and how did it get on my bed. Jeremy without knocking,walks in my room.

Cathryn: (I was embarrassed having my brother see me with only just a towel on)Jeremy,can't you knock?.

Jeremy: Sorry,I was just coming in to see if you were out of the shower yet. (point at the dress laying on my bed) See the clothes I picked out for ya. (he gives me an evil smile)

Cathryn: What?!? No!. I'm not wearing that.

Jeremy: Yes you will. Unless you want to be grounded for a week. I'm pretty sure that if I tell dad than he might ground for more than just a week.

Cathryn: (I give up trying to get what I want) Fine, you win.

Jeremy: As I always do. Now go into your bathroom and put that dress on,I'll be waiting for you out here incase if you need help zipping it up.

Cathryn: Okay. ( I go back into my bathroom)

I can't believe that he was actually making me wear that stupid dress again. The only reson that I had to get this dress,was because I played one of the maids in the broadway show "Annie" . I know it may sound silly,but the reason I hate this dress is because, i hate wearing dresses and on top of that it has pink on it,and I hate pink (I would have bought a white one,but the pink ones were the only ones left). Eventhough everyone said that I looked cute in it,I still felt humiliated wearing it infront of a thouasand people. And know it feels like dejavu all over again.
I take my towel off and start drying my hair with my blow dryer. My hair was now dried and brushed. I put my white pantyhose on, and I slipped into the dress. I was hoping that I wouldn't need Jeremy's help,but he was right. I couldn't get the zipper to go all the way up. I walk back into my room,and see Jeremy waiting for me, sitting on my bed.

Cathryn: Jeremy,can you please help me zip it up?

Jeremy: Ofcourse. (I turn around,to have my back facing his front,and he zips my dress up,and ties the strings from the apron into a bow) You need to put these heels on. (He hands me black high heels,with white leather lace on them. Know that I was too clumsy to wear high heels,I put them on any way because I was too tired to try to fight too get what I want)

Cathryn: I feel so humiliated.

Jeremy: (he turns me back around to face him) Don't feel that way. You look adorable. ( He trys to put the mop cap on my head,but I back away)

Cathryn: Jeremy,no. Please don't make me wear that.

Jeremy: (He grabbs my wrist pulling me back towards him) Stay Still. (He puts the mop cap on my head,and tied the stings together in a bow. He takes me infront of my closet door,so I could dee myself in the mirror)

Cathryn: (I'm shocked and humiliated at what I see) Oh my god. I'am not going out there looking like this.

Jeremy: (laughs at my expression) Yes you are. (he grabbs my wrist to try to make me leave my room)

Cathryn: No,I'm staying here. Jeremy let me go.

Jeremy: Listen,theres nothing to worry about. The only people that are in the living room is Kaiden and James. Now come on. You have to be out there to open the door for them.

Cathryn: No,I'm not going. (Jeremy gets fustrated at me. He picks me up and carries me over his shoulder.I starts kicking my legs,and hitting his back to make him put me down) Jeremy put me down!

Jeremy: (He spanks my butt) Cathryn,stop it! (He raps his arm around my legs to make me stop kicking. Were now in the living room and he sits me down next to James and Kaiden on the couch)

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Old 08-13-2010, 12:59 AM   #41
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Hey readers! I'm sorry if I miss spelled some words in my story,Its just that when it stars to get really late,I have to hurry typing,so that I can go to bed.
Since tonight wasn't a school night, I was able to stay up all night to finish chapter4(pt.2) for yall.
I just want to thank everyon for reading my story,and I'm hoping that everyon is enjoyining it.

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Old 08-17-2010, 05:40 PM   #42
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wow, good story =)
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Old 08-17-2010, 09:48 PM   #43
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love this story...is there more
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Old 08-17-2010, 10:23 PM   #44
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Default Chapter 5

The living room is a modern 600 × 362. All the wall are painted white. We have a black 347×327 recliner chair, next to the black and white 1000×666 contemporary Sectional Sofa facing a black 425×374 Sony plasma screen t.v,under the 500×388 fireplace.

(Jeremy sits in the recliner chair)

James: (hes shocked at what I'm wearing and is trying his best not to laugh) Woah.

Kaiden: (he can't help but to laugh and tease me) Awww, you look so cute.

Cathryn: (Kaiden pinches my dimples, and I slap his arm away) Shut up.

Kaiden: Well,someones a little fistey.

James: (he puts his arm around me) Just the way I like em'. (he gives me a kiss on my cheek)

Cathryn: No offense James,but I'm really not in the mood. ( I look over a Jeremy and hes laughing at me) You're enjoying every bit of this aren't you?

Jeremy: Yeah,pretty much. (the door bell rings) Go get the door.

Cathryn: Go get it yourself.

James: To save my girlfriend's humiliation,I'll go get it. (James gets up from the couch,and walks to the front door)

Jeremy: James sit back down,its Cat's job to answer the door. (James ignores him and answers it anyways) You're lucky you have a boyfriend that cares about you so much.

Cathryn: And I thank God everyday that I do.

Jeremy: You're going to let the next person in.

Cathryn: Whatever.

James opened the door to let Jordan and Trey in. Guessing that Jordan just came straight over here from work,because he was inside the Little Caesars mascot.Trey walked in behinde him carrying four boxes of pizza's,he hands them to James,and James puts them on the kitchen counter.
I was embarrassed to be seen by Trey like this. Before I met James I had a little crush on him,we tried dating once,but it didn't really work out too well,so we just stayed best friends. He is also the whole reason why James and I started dating,but thats a different story.
Trey: (He sees what I'm wearing) Was this suppose to be a costume party?

Jeremy: (laughing at Jordan) Not that I know of. Jordan,what up with the...

Jordan: I just came here from work. I had to wear this stupid thing all day. Is it ok if I can use your bathroom to change?

Jeremy: Yeah,sure.

Cathryn: Can I go to my room to change?

Jeremy: No. (the door bell rings again) Now go get the door.

Cathryn: Fine,whatever. (I go to answer the door and see Logan,waiting to come in,and he starts busting out laghing at me) Ewww,gross. (I slam the door on his face)

Jeremy: Cathryn let him in.

Cathryn: (being sarcastic) Sorry,I didn't know you invited a stray over.
(I open the door again,an Logan is still laghing at me.)

Logan: (he takes his cell phone out and starts taking pictures of me) Smile Hazel. These are going on facebook.

Cathryn: (I take his cell phone out the door) Fetch dorke. (I fix to shut the door on him again,but Jeremy stops me)

Jeremy: Cathryn,go get his cell phone. NOW!

Cathryn: No. Theres no way, that I'm going out looking like this.

Logan: (tuggs at my mop cap) Awww,is Halloween starting early this year?

Cathryn: Its hard to know when Halloween is coming,when you keep that mask on. Oh wait,I'm sorry.

Bradon: (walks up to the door) Did anyone loose a cell phone? It flew in my window,and hit me in the head.

Cathryn: Sorry.

Logan: That would be mine. (Bradon gives Logan his cell phone) Thanks.

Jeremy: Hey Bradon. This is Logan and Logan,this is Bradon.

Bradon: (He shakes Logan's hand) Nice to meet you.

Logan: Nice to meet you too.

Bradon, Logan, and Jeremy walk back into the living roo. I close the door behinde them, and follow. Kaiden is still sitting on the left end of the couch, Trey is sitting in the middle, and James is still sitting on the right end of the couch. Bradon went to go sit in the recliner chair, and Jeremy went to go sit down between Trey and Kaiden. I was going to go sit next to James and Trey,but Logan took my spot.

Cathryn: (I stand infront of Logan) Ugh, excuse me? You're in my seat.

Logan: Ugh,excuse me? It doesn't have you name on it.

Cathryn: Move your butt away from my boyfriend,so I can sit next to him.

Logan: No,I want to sit next to my friend.

James: Hey Trey,can you please scoot down some?

Trey: Yeah,sure.

(Trey scoots down next to Jeremy,I sit down next to Trey, and James switches seats with Logan. Jordan comes back in the living room,and sits down next to Logan.)

Cathryn: Thank you Trey.

Trey: No problem. So what up with the dress? I havn't seen you wear that since you played the waitress in Annie.

Cathryn: Jeremy is making me wear it.

Jeremy: Oh,yeah. I forgot to tell everyone,that Cathryn will be our servant tonight.

Logan: Cool. My day,just keeps getting better and better.

Trey: (talking to me) What did you do to make so mad,that he came up with this?

Cathryn: I don't want to talk about ti. Lets just say that it was either be everyone's servant for tonight,or be grounded for a whole week.

Trey: Oh,i see.

Bradon: Shouldn't she still be in bed?

Jeremy: She should be fine. She took a nap awhile ago.

Bradon: Cathryn, how does your head feel.

Cathryn: It feels better than it did. Although, now that Logan is here,my headaches are coming back.

Logan: Careful now, don't let your brains go to your head!

Cathryn: At least I have brians. You on the other hand, is living proof that man can live without a brain.

Jordan: Haha, dude that was a burn.

Jeremy: Thats it. You two don't say another word to each other,unless if its something nice.

Jordan: So what are we going to do?

Kaiden: (talking to Jeremy) You want to finish the game of truth or dare now?

Jeremy: Yeah,sure.

Kaiden: James,Cathrny,Jeremy and I were playing truth or dare earlier today,but we didn't get to finish it. You guys want to continue in the rest of the game with us?
(Everyone agreed except me)

Cathryn: No thanks. I don't want to die again.

Logan: To bad you... (Jeremy cuts him off)

Jeremy: Logan,shut up.

Cathryn: Thanks Jeremy. Besides its not fair for me,because I'm the only girl.

Kaiden: Come on Cat,you were already playing earlier,and you still can't back out. The only reason why we quit playing for awhile was because of your little inccident that happened. You know the rules.

Trey: What are the rules?

Kaiden: If anyone backs out of the game,or doesn't tell the truth or give the dare,then they will be that person's slave for a year.

Cathryn: Fine,but I get to give the truth or dare first.

Jeremy: K,fine. It will be me, Kaiden, Bradon and Logan,against James,Trey, Cathryn, and Jordan.

Cathryn: Okay. I dare Jeremy to let me go change into my normal clothes.

Jeremy: Fine,you can go change.

(I start to leave the living room,but Logan trips making me fall on my knees)

Logan: But wait. I dare Cathryn to strip infront of us,or I could do it for you.

Cathryn: Screw you jack-ass.

Logan: Alright,don't mind if I do.
(Logan gets on top of me,and trys to undo the back of my zipper,but I try to fight him off)

Cathryn: (I start crying from all of this humiliation) NO, STOP.! Let me go!

James: (he pulls Logan off of me) Logan,stop. Get off of her.

Trey: (he walks over to me and helps me back up my feet) Are you okay?

Cathryn: (I'm very pissed off at Jeremy, that he was actually going to let Logan do that too me.) I hate you! (I take my mop cap off and throw it at him. I run to my room,and slam the door behinde me)

Last edited by KittyCat91; 08-17-2010 at 10:31 PM.
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Old 08-17-2010, 10:45 PM   #45
ConverseLuv
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 145
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YET ANOTHER GREAT POST!!!!! Keep postin!!!
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