Old 04-02-2011, 04:27 PM   #1
CountNihil
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Default karen and me (part fiction part not)

(Karen is not her real name though but even though her real name is quite generic i'm keeping it confidential.)

Part 1 (Teaser)

We were sitting under a tree outside the youth centre smoking, my cousin Karen and me. It was late may and still a bit chilly in the evenings. We could see the coloured lights and hear the pounding of mind-numbing disco music through the two large windows facing the street.
- i'm bored; said Karen and buried her cigarette butt in the soil. I nodded and flicked mine off towards the bike racks. Karen leaned her head against my shoulder and ran her hand affectionately over my chest. I kissed her forhead.
- One more fag and then we go back in, atleast for a little while.
Karen nodded and dug out the pack of fags from her jacket, lit two and gave one to me. We smoked in silence for a while. Karen's hand found it's way down to my crotch where she let it rest casually.
- Y'know K. I got an idea that would spice this party up a bit.
Karen looked up at me with her big brown eyes.
- What's that Nick?
I inhaled deeply and let the smoke out in puffs as i told her it was a dare. She looked at me like - sure i'm game, and started to unzip my jeans.
- No, not me K.
- Who then?
- Go back inside, pick the cutest guy in there, take him out back and blow him. Don't swallow.
I paused to see what her reaction would be and there was indeed a glimmer of excitement in her eyes.
- Then what?
- Then to prove you did it, come back here with his cum still in your mouth and kiss me.
She giggled and stood up, brushing the grass and soil off her jeans.
- Like I did yesterday after you came in my mouth you mean?
I nodded. She finished her cigarette.
- Okey. Back soon then.

Last edited by CountNihil; 04-03-2011 at 02:56 PM. Reason: There. Can we get past the grammar and spelling now?
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Old 04-02-2011, 04:44 PM   #2
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Its okay and I think it will get better as it goes on. But here are some tips you really NEED to use for your next chapter:
1. Please! Grammar and puncuation. When a full stop is needed put one in. After a full stop always goes a capital letter.
2. Text language? The occasional text language is fine with me. But not in a story 'k' is not a real word 'okay' is.
3. Spellings. Quite a few spelling mistakes in there. Write your story up on word before hand. It will put the wiggly lines below spelling mistakes.
4. Chapters. Longer chapters are always a bonus. Even friendly messages from you at the end are good.
5. Speech. Please don't use hyphons for speech. Use speech marks (" ") that is what they are for.

Thats about it. Use these tips the next time you write a paragraph.
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Old 04-02-2011, 04:58 PM   #3
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actually the k is short for karen, not for okay.
and as for the grammar. i kinda stopped using capital letters except in official documents like 15 years ago atleast. it's not something i'm about to change. (it's called literary license.) and as for commas etc... i often use them as indicators of short pauses and such. (that too is called literary license.)

and yes the chapters will get longer. this was sort of meant as a teaser to see whether there was an interest in the story or not. the next one will be shorter because it is really the ending to this one (a cliffhanger if you like)
and regarding speech. both are actually correct. i can give examples from established authors of both if need be.

(and no i don't want to turn this into a debate on literary license or correct grammar)

Last edited by CountNihil; 04-02-2011 at 05:05 PM. Reason: (to complete the reply)
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Old 04-02-2011, 05:39 PM   #4
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While literary license works for some things, in others it does not. I'm a published author seven times over in both novelist and poetic and honestly, if I submitted something like this to my editors, it would get kicked back with red marks all over it.

Secondly, as a publisher myself, I wouldn't even look at this as a possible bit. The story has some interesting elements, but really needs an overhaul on grammar and spelling. While it may be acceptable for a younger crowd, for an older crowd, they won't take two looks at it due to the lack of substance and character.
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Old 04-02-2011, 06:14 PM   #5
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Hi.

What my friend has written about is very touching. His choice of grammar reflects his own individual stance at life as well as his refusing to set to comformity and merely see things the way others do because they do. Like anything new, it takes some getting used to.

I appreciate your thoughts about published works, but these aren't published works, this is about him sharing a part of himself and what he enjoys, hoping it would reach ears that would excite and thus ecnourage him to further explore. It is for this reason I brought him here.

I hope you continue to enjoy is works with an open and loving mind. I certainly do!

My many blessings
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Old 04-02-2011, 09:08 PM   #6
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So pretty much his cousin is givin him a bj? Thts not weird.....
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Old 04-03-2011, 02:41 PM   #7
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Well, i like this story, so don't dis!
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Old 04-03-2011, 02:49 PM   #8
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Thumbs up like it a lot

Quote:
Originally Posted by CountNihil View Post
(it's called literary license.)
... meant as a teaser to see whether there was an interest in the story or not. the next one will be shorter because it is really the ending to this one (a cliffhanger if you like)
(and no i don't want to turn this into a debate on literary license or correct grammar)
I quite like the literary license you have taken. And I quite enjoy the opening and look forward to reading more.. great start.
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Old 04-03-2011, 02:51 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LadyCeleste View Post
While literary license works for some things, in others it does not. I'm a published author seven times over in both novelist and poetic and honestly, if I submitted something like this to my editors, it would get kicked back with red marks all over it.

Secondly, as a publisher myself, I wouldn't even look at this as a possible bit. The story has some interesting elements, but really needs an overhaul on grammar and spelling. While it may be acceptable for a younger crowd, for an older crowd, they won't take two looks at it due to the lack of substance and character.
Are you serious? this is an online bulletin board!!! whoever (or whomever, you are the expert you tell me) reads it will read it. Enjoy the fact that someone took the time to post at all. Geez
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Old 04-03-2011, 02:59 PM   #10
CountNihil
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umm, eminem jr if you read the story you'll find that it wasn't me she was dared to blow.
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Old 04-03-2011, 03:16 PM   #11
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and here's the end of this first dare. (hoping we are now past the grammar debate i am posting it in it's original form.)

---

as she walked off towards the party i leaned back and lit another cigarette watching the stars and slowly rubbed myself through my jeans. damn i was half there already. she was gone atleast half an hour cause i heard two buses stop and go before she came 'round the corner with a smile like poison come to dinner. the moon caught her fiery red hair and i knew she'd actually done it before she straddled me and leaned in to kiss me deep, and slide the cum into my mouth. the pressure of her crotch against min, the taste of some guy's cum and the images of her blowing him on a dare was enough to make me cum, and judging by her moans, so did she.
- now truth k; i said, was he big, did he cum quickly or did you have to work for it, atleast a little?
she nodded and said i'd never guess who it was in a million years. (and even though i've had my theories i still have no idea even today, a quarter of a century later.)

---

i apologise that this story is so short. the next part will be longer and properly introduce the characters as they were back in the mid-eighties.
i also apologise for the drama the initial post created.
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Old 04-03-2011, 04:14 PM   #12
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Nice job. I liked this story just the way it was. Maybe short, but to the point and interesting.
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Old 04-03-2011, 05:24 PM   #13
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kithinkkprobably blueherfathur cuz shewasn't goingtotelherbf orfagsucker dont lik myreplyitslitary license!
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