Old 04-14-2007, 08:51 PM   #1
penguin13
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Default Trouble [fiction]

Richie,a boy of 15,wakes up to his alarm clock. Then he gets dressed and runs downstairs and out the door. While walking he sees a girl following him for the past couple of miles. Finally he gets to Brandons,his best friends,house. So he knocks on the door, but noone answers the door. Whenever he turns around the girl is right infront of him and she says "Dont you remember me. Im in your social studies class my names Kylie?" So he answers yea.....no. She says "Well your girlfriend told me to tell you thet shes going on a trip with her parents and that your my slave for the whole month that shes gonna be gone" Then she quickly grabs him and drags him to her house. Whenever they get into the house she tells him to strip and put on these clothes a mini skirt,g-string,a black t-shirt,and a pair of heels. she then demands him to go grocery shopping and he cant come back until he gets 6 tubes of toothpaste,steaks,and a web cam. While hes in the store he gots to drops something on "accindent" and have at least two people watching.

Last edited by penguin13; 04-15-2007 at 04:11 PM.
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Old 04-17-2007, 05:02 PM   #2
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if you guys have any ideas please post them for pt 2
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Old 03-19-2010, 01:53 PM   #3
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First off, you could write a story that makes even some logical sense! You walk to your best friend's house and observe the girl following you "for a couple of miles"?

Then she just tells you your gf told her you were her slave for an entire month??? Gf must have forgotten to tell you!

Finally, she grabs you and drags you to her house which I'm guessing is next door to your best friend's house or did she drag you "a couple miles" back to where she was waiting for you, like next door to your house but you've never seen her before! She just tells you where these clothes and you just say "OK"???

Fiction doesn't mean illogical fantasy!
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Old 03-19-2010, 02:50 PM   #4
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agree with post above also the sentence structure is bad. alot of thing happen in first 2 line need to be more detailed
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Old 03-20-2010, 01:15 PM   #5
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You have a decent idea here, but you need to slow down a little and add more detail. Also work on your spelling and grammer. If you do that, you could have a good story here.
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