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Old 09-08-2010, 04:55 PM   #1
momo
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Question Ending Abuse?

So since I was one years old, my mom has been on and off with this abusive, worthless, alcoholic/druggy who doesn't give a crap about anyone, but himself. He still lived with his mom is his 40's and even beat up his mom about a year ago on one of his drunk rampages because she was sick of him coming home drunk and not contributing to the household and attempted to kick him out. Well he beat her up and dragged her out of the house by the time the cops got there to arrest him. He went to jail and says he's "changed", but I don't believe or trust him. He's been in jail plenty of times before. He has abused my mom and gotten her on drugs and alcohol. She's been sober five years, but the only thing that even got her to change was when I moved out of her house and in with my dad because I was sick of her never being there for me. I try so hard to remember she's the adult, but she acts so childish when this guy comes around. He manipulates her in ways that scare the crap out of me. The whole time he was in jail she supplied him with cigarettes and whatever his black-hole of a heart desired. And now, after everything he's done to ruin her life... She's offering him a place to stay with her at her new place out here in California. I'm scared of him even being in the same state as her. He used to stalk her and accuse her of things, and beat the crap out of her and then say "Oh I'm sorry. It'll never happen again", and then bribe me with candy so I would ignore her screaming at him and him screaming back, when she'd drag me along with her to his house. I finally got sick of it and am ready to beat the crap out of him for even talking to her when he knows he's a bad influence and that she's finally doing good on her own, and that my family is just starting to allow her back in.

I'm taller than him now, and probably could beat the crap out of him, but I don't want to go to jail. There are things in the past that have come up recently as well with my grandparents, that apparently I said he did to me. Anything I have ever told my grandparents about him has been true. I have never lied about the terrible things this guy has done. But my family haven't been know for being the most truthful people, so I wonder if they're telling me the truth or not. They say he supposedly raped me, though I'm sure I'd have recollection of that. They say I even told them so, but I would never say that if it didn't happen. So I'm not sure where I am about that. I wouldn't doubt it of his personality, but I think I would remember that if it actually happened. I'm not sure. But either way, he's still the worst person I have ever known, and I don't feel ashamed to say I believe he will burn in the firey pits of hell.

Anywho, to get to the point of this thread... Have you ever been abused or known someone who has been abused by a boyfriend or someone of similar closeness? How did they end the abuse? Where was the attraction in it? Did you/they need counseling following the break of the abusive relationship?

I normally wouldn't ask about such personal things, but I've had enough and am desperately doing anything I can to get rid of this guy. He needs to be out of my mom's life, or I'm afraid one day she just won't answer my calls...

Edit: I promise I will not share anything you tell me. If you feel more comfortable telling me whatever you feel like in a PM rather than the public forums, I don't mind and promise the PM will not be seen by anyone, but myself.
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Old 09-09-2010, 01:42 AM   #2
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i've never personally experience domestic violence before but hopefully the suggestions will help:
- call up the local Women's Protection Society or Domestic Violence Hotline or something, for counselling and support
- build your case: use your phone or camera to record his screamings/violent acts, i.e before and after pictures of abusive behaviour towards your mom or the house, etc
- protect yourself; keep your doors locked, keep you mom's door locked until he has calmed down
- emergency numbers: when it happens, call up your friends' parents, neighbours, trusted family friends to act as either witness or to prove threat to the abuser should he want to do anything worse (power in numbers or having a stranger in the house might alert the abuser that he is being watched) so, have their numbers ready at hand
- include also police and government agencies hotline

sometimes emotion gets in the way, i.e forgiving the other person time after time.
Instead, show her the before and after pictures, tell her the facts about the consequences and ask her to think rationally and logically: is this what you want for yourself, mum? for me?
(that's usually how counsellors approach the victim- showing reasons that are more worthwhile, the more important stuff/people, i.e. for the sake her children, finance, future, etc)


oops, sorry momo, i havent actually answered any of your questions. >_>
take care, all the best~
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Old 09-09-2010, 02:31 AM   #3
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kenneth has made some really good points.
I don't really want to speak about these things here, but as you already know, there are things which have happened in my life which have pretty much fu*ked everyone involved over in an awful way.

If you want my advice then feel free to bring up the subject next time you see me on messenger.
If not, then I hope you find the solution you are looking for.

You of all people don't need to be going through this. I am so sorry.
Stay strong

Ian
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Old 09-09-2010, 07:26 AM   #4
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The best place to start is getting counseling yourself and then encouraging your mom to go also.

Also, I would be wary about what your grandparents are saying. Sometimes people try and convince minors that something happened that didn't, just so things can work out the way they want. If they're trying to build a case against him, your "testimony" of raping you as a child would be useful to them.

On the other hand, sometimes our minds do block out the horrible things that happened to us as a child as a coping mechanism.

In the case of my friend, her therapist knew how to help her "find" the memories, process them and work through them.

It's hard, but your mom is the only one who has the power to stop it. She will need support but she has to want to be rid of him. Kenneth.s made some good suggestions.

.... I think I kind of answered the questions. >.>
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Old 09-09-2010, 07:28 AM   #5
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Rainbow Thank You

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has offered help both publicly and privately. It really does mean a lot to me. I'll definitely be taking some of these ideas into action, though some I have already tried many times; I guess I could try again. My mom's not a very logical person, so talking to her about it again stresses me out, and I'll have to think about it before trying that again. Hopefully the others that have been recommended so far will help. Any other ideas are still welcome though.

I've been told some things that I promise I will keep secret. And normally I'd say I'm glad I'm not alone, but in this case I wish I was. I wish I could take it all away for you guys. I assure you it was your fault and you didn't deserve it. Nobody does.

*Hugs to everyone*

Sincerely,

Momo
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Old 09-18-2010, 01:39 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by momo View Post
So since I was one years old, my mom has been on and off with this abusive, worthless, alcoholic/druggy who doesn't give a crap about anyone, but himself. He still lived with his mom is his 40's and even beat up his mom about a year ago on one of his drunk rampages because she was sick of him coming home drunk and not contributing to the household and attempted to kick him out. Well he beat her up and dragged her out of the house by the time the cops got there to arrest him. He went to jail and says he's "changed", but I don't believe or trust him. He's been in jail plenty of times before. He has abused my mom and gotten her on drugs and alcohol. She's been sober five years, but the only thing that even got her to change was when I moved out of her house and in with my dad because I was sick of her never being there for me. I try so hard to remember she's the adult, but she acts so childish when this guy comes around. He manipulates her in ways that scare the crap out of me. The whole time he was in jail she supplied him with cigarettes and whatever his black-hole of a heart desired. And now, after everything he's done to ruin her life... She's offering him a place to stay with her at her new place out here in California. I'm scared of him even being in the same state as her. He used to stalk her and accuse her of things, and beat the crap out of her and then say "Oh I'm sorry. It'll never happen again", and then bribe me with candy so I would ignore her screaming at him and him screaming back, when she'd drag me along with her to his house. I finally got sick of it and am ready to beat the crap out of him for even talking to her when he knows he's a bad influence and that she's finally doing good on her own, and that my family is just starting to allow her back in.

I'm taller than him now, and probably could beat the crap out of him, but I don't want to go to jail. There are things in the past that have come up recently as well with my grandparents, that apparently I said he did to me. Anything I have ever told my grandparents about him has been true. I have never lied about the terrible things this guy has done. But my family haven't been know for being the most truthful people, so I wonder if they're telling me the truth or not. They say he supposedly raped me, though I'm sure I'd have recollection of that. They say I even told them so, but I would never say that if it didn't happen. So I'm not sure where I am about that. I wouldn't doubt it of his personality, but I think I would remember that if it actually happened. I'm not sure. But either way, he's still the worst person I have ever known, and I don't feel ashamed to say I believe he will burn in the firey pits of hell.

Anywho, to get to the point of this thread... Have you ever been abused or known someone who has been abused by a boyfriend or someone of similar closeness? How did they end the abuse? Where was the attraction in it? Did you/they need counseling following the break of the abusive relationship?

I normally wouldn't ask about such personal things, but I've had enough and am desperately doing anything I can to get rid of this guy. He needs to be out of my mom's life, or I'm afraid one day she just won't answer my calls...

Edit: I promise I will not share anything you tell me. If you feel more comfortable telling me whatever you feel like in a PM rather than the public forums, I don't mind and promise the PM will not be seen by anyone, but myself.
I have been through your shit and the only thing to do is follow him one night from the bar and strike him down with great power, strike hard and make it count! Be sure of your victory. Si vis pacem, parabellum...if you want peace, prepare for war! Have an airtight aliby and no witnesses...make him see the fire in your eyes, stand on his neck and let him know that you are his god now and he lives because you let him. Fuck all the look with in yourself and help your mother better herself. She will get better when he will not return...True peace can only be achieved through the greatness of war! History has it written. I tried to be diplomatic but only my extreme rage and my vengeful fist stopped him.

YOU CANT LIVE IN FEAR! THERE COMES A TIME FOR PEACE AND WAR, THE TIME OF WAR HAS COME!
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Old 09-19-2010, 12:40 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pardrino View Post
I have been through your shit and the only thing to do is follow him one night from the bar and strike him down with great power, strike hard and make it count! Be sure of your victory. Si vis pacem, parabellum...if you want peace, prepare for war! Have an airtight aliby and no witnesses...make him see the fire in your eyes, stand on his neck and let him know that you are his god now and he lives because you let him. Fuck all the look with in yourself and help your mother better herself. She will get better when he will not return...True peace can only be achieved through the greatness of war! History has it written. I tried to be diplomatic but only my extreme rage and my vengeful fist stopped him.

YOU CANT LIVE IN FEAR! THERE COMES A TIME FOR PEACE AND WAR, THE TIME OF WAR HAS COME!
Sorry, but I have no interest in going to jail for killing someone. :/
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Old 09-19-2010, 06:59 AM   #8
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Rainbow RE:

momo, I have a friend who is in the same situation,
I dont have much usefu ladvice to add to the above posts. except that you shouldnt let someone else interfere with your own life, it's your time your spending here and you cant rewind it. one day you wont have to put up with this anymore and you;ll have your own life somewhere else, this world is full of creeps, ignorant people and people who push their pain onto someone else.

we can't change that, but we don't have to hurt from it either, I know with your mother involved it's tough to see her put up with it and not being able to decide for her, but if he ever hurts you... just dont take it. you don't have to.

my dad used to break things when I was a kid, never hit my mum but he used to yell alot, but when he hit me once, I Kicked him square in the nads and told him he doesn't touch me.

me and him have a good relationship now, it seems him and my mother were just incompatable, but once he left it was all good.

so I'm sure one day he will go and you and your mother will see happy days again. but remember, he cant hit you. its not even about you so he shouldnt drag you into it. if he does and you dont think you can take him, then have him arrested or get a restraining order.


anyway momo, if you need to talk you can always add me.
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Old 09-19-2010, 07:05 AM   #9
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I have a abusive family life.
I've had knives held to my throat. It doesn't affect me that much. I'm used to it
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Old 09-19-2010, 10:03 AM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by metalchick View Post
I have a abusive family life.
I've had knives held to my throat. It doesn't affect me that much. I'm used to it
Thats crazy girl!!! One day you will have enough and they will see thier loss...as for killing anyone momo...I never said that, put the fear of God in his heart.
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Old 09-20-2010, 05:47 AM   #11
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Thats crazy girl!!! One day you will have enough and they will see thier loss...as for killing anyone momo...I never said that, put the fear of God in his heart.
I have a better life living at home then out by myself, I know that the threats will come to nothing, and I'd prefer putting up with threats and being able to have nice things and finish my schooling, then be put out on the streets. I'm pretty sure that's the worse thing has ever happened to me, and the knife was blunt, it was a butter knife. I've never had ciggies put out on me, nor had bones broken, I'm never been hit, other then being smacked when I was a child, and even then, that was only twice. It could be a lot worse.
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I never noticed, no never noticed, you're so amazing, ah-amazing
I never said it, no never said it, you're suffocating, you're suffocating
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Old 09-20-2010, 06:07 AM   #12
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Originally Posted by Pardrino View Post
Thats crazy girl!!! One day you will have enough and they will see thier loss...as for killing anyone momo...I never said that, put the fear of God in his heart.
I am sorry for making wrong assumptions. I apologize, however, I am not the only one who misconstrued what you said about him "not coming back" and "having an alibi and no witnesses".

And I am terribly sorry to hear that metalchick. You really don't deserve that.
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Old 09-20-2010, 06:58 AM   #13
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if i had super powers, this would be the crime i would dedicate myself to fight. but then with my sadistic side, if i had super powers it would be a BAD thing. because i have a really short temper when dealing with stupidity.
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Old 09-20-2010, 09:04 AM   #14
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Hey Mo,

Last night, a friend of mine shared her story about her life growing up. (She's about 19 now) It sounded like a mirror to your story. She said what really helped her to get out of it and move on was finding a great group of friends at college. They supported her and listened to her.

I know you're doing school at home, but maybe try and join a sports team or something and make some friends in your new town that can be there for you and love you. (:

♥ you!
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Old 09-29-2010, 12:32 AM   #15
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Hey Mo,

Last night, a friend of mine shared her story about her life growing up. (She's about 19 now) It sounded like a mirror to your story. She said what really helped her to get out of it and move on was finding a great group of friends at college. They supported her and listened to her.

I know you're doing school at home, but maybe try and join a sports team or something and make some friends in your new town that can be there for you and love you. (:

♥ you!
Thanks sweet (: I am trying to get a job soon so I can make some new friends, but I have been rather busy lately. I definitely agree that that is a good idea though (:

♥ you too ^^
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