Funny Jokes!

[Runesmith]

Little Billy came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air.

When his Dad came home, Billy mentioned, "Dad, our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs like that?" His father, thinking quickly, said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad, that's great," said little Billy.

A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad! Dad, we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" asked his father.

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom, flat on her back with her legs in the air, screaming, 'Jesus, I'm coming! I'm coming!' If it hadn't of been for the mailman holding her down, we'd have lost her for sure!"

[Runesmith]

В баре за стойкой мужчина в ОЗК смешивал в колбе ядохимикаты. "Новичок!" - подумал Штирлиц.

It's a new Stirlitz joke making rounds in Russia. Here's the translation (to the best of my ability):

At the counter behind the bar a man in a gas mask was mixing nerve agents. "Newbie!" - thought Stirlitz.

PS: The Russian word for newbie is Novichok. In case you don't know what it is, google it... then wait for the FBI to kick down your door.

[Runesmith]

An old lady was sitting in a bus, and overhears two men with foreign accents talking loudly behind her.

"So, first, Emma - she come. Then I come. Then the two asses they come together. Then I come. The two asses, they come again. Then I come, and pee two times, and I come again..."

Finally, she couldn't take it anymore. She turned around and yelled at the men, "You filthy swine! How dare you discuss such things in public?"

"Whatsa the matter, Signora?" asks the man, "I was-a just tellin-a my friend-a how to spell-a Mississippi."

[Runesmith]

Little Johnny was sitting at the back of the class, when the Principal and the School Superintendent walked in to the class. They explained to the teacher that they simply wanted to observer the class, and seated themselves at the back row next to Johnny.

The pretty young teacher was very flustered by this unexpected inspection, but she quickly composed herself and started the lesson.

Turning her back to the class, she wrote a sentence on the board, and asked, "Who can read this sentence?"

A few moments later, Johnny's hand shot up. The teacher was surprised but also very pleased that Johnny was suddenly taking an interest in the lesson.

"Yes, Johnny? Can you read the sentence?"

"Yes, Ms Brown. It says - You were right, the teacher has a fine ass."

The teacher's face turned red. "How dare you? Out of the class, Johnny. Go straight to detention, and I want to talk to your mother tomorrow."

Johnny picked up his bag, gave a dirty look to the superintendent and said, "Thanks a lot. In the future, if you don't know how to read, keep your mouth shut."

[Runesmith]

This morning my girlfriend drove off to work, while I was having breakfast, watching TV. On the morning traffic report they announced that there was a car driving on the Autobahn in the wrong direction. Knowing that my girlfriend was taking that route, I called her up and said, "Watch out, Schatzie. There's a car driving in the wrong direction."

She replied, "I know. These idiots. They are ALL driving in the wrong direction!"

[Runesmith]

For the chemistry nerds out there:

Potassium, Oxygen and Helium walk in to a bar. They sit down with their drinks when a drunk patron spills beer on them. Potassium and Oxygen get angry. Helium doesn't react.

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Never trust atoms. They make up everything.

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Modern medical science is based on three chemical elements - Helium, Curium and Barium... because if you can't Helium or Curium, you Barium.

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Are you wondering how often I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.

[Runesmith]

An internist, a cardiologist, a surgeon, and a pathologist go duck hunting. Suddenly, a gaggle of geese fly overhead.

The internist raises his gun, but thinks, "I'd better do a differential diagnosis on whether these are ducks or geese." He puts his gun down without shooting.

The cardiologist raises his gun, but thinks, "I need to assess functional reserve of those ducks and pick the most compromised." He lowers his gun.

The surgeon raises his gun. Blam! Blam! Blam! He blasts them out of the sky. Then he turns to the pathologist and asks, "What were those things anyway?"

[Runesmith]

A corporate structure is like a huge tree, with monkeys sitting on different branches at different levels, depending on their seniority and title. When the monkeys at the top of the tree look down, they see a sea of smiling, adoring faces, full of motivation to climb up the corporate tree. When the monkeys at the lower branches look up, they see nothing but assholes.

[Runesmith]

My ex once asked me, "What do you like better - my pretty face, or my sexy body?"

I replied, "I like your sense of humor."

And that's why we got divorced.

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When we got divorced, my ex told me, "You will never find someone like me again."

What she didn't understand was, that this was the whole point.

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I can still remember the day I met my ex for the first time.

But I'll keep trying.

[Runesmith]

Warning: Political jokes. If you own a red baseball cap and prone to triggering, read at your own risk.

From a technical point of view, the only difference between the Air Force One and a vacuum cleaner is the location of the dirt bag.
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The main difference between a stadium with a MAGA rally and a hedgehog is that, with the hedgehog, the pricks are on the outside.
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Q: What's the difference between Jared Kushner and a tuxedo?
A: One comes out of the closet on special occasions and the other is a tuxedo.
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Donald Trump declared that he doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. That's probably true - he doesn't know the meaning of most words.
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When he was young, and faced with a difficult decision, Donald Trump stopped to think. He forgot to start again.
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Donald Trump announced today that when he dies, his brain would be donated to science. Scientists were overjoyed. "We have been searching for a perfect vacuum all this time," one scientist remarked.

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A guy wearing a MAGA hat told me, "You should try to see things from Trump's point of view."

"I don't think I can," I replied. "I can't get my head that far up my ass."
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The MAGA guy said, "I admire Trump's approach."

I replied, "I would love to see his departure."
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Donald Trump is living proof that people with the smallest minds have the biggest mouths.

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Someone should let Trump know that it is okay to have an unexpressed thought. In his case, it's highly recommended.
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When the Stormy Daniels scandal broke, Michael Cohen wanted to prove that the story was made up. So he hired an agency to conduct a survey among porn stars and ask the question, "Would you sleep with Donald Trump for money?"

6% replied, "yes." 8% replied, "no." 86% replied, "not again."
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How many US presidents does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change it, and the other to change it back again.
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Donald Trump receives a letter from Kim Jong Un. He stares at it for a long time, then picks up the phone and asks general Kelly to come in. "Look general. I got this letter from Kim Jong Un, and it contains only this code - 370HSSV 0773H. Do you think the CIA can decode it?"

Kelly tells him, "Sir, you are holding the note upside down."
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When she heard about the Stormy Daniels affair, Melania was furious. "You Pig!" she yelled. "Did you at least use protection?"

"Of course," Donald replied. "My bodyguard was standing outside the door."
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Donald Trump is like a Marxist utopia - completely classless.

[Runesmith]

Question: How much does the EU stand to lose when Brexit happens?

Answer:

Spoiler:

1 GB


Wait... Too soon?