Old 10-28-2009, 04:47 AM   #1
1-up machine
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Default Threesome of guys under one roof

I will write more always if there's some positive feedback

This story has three characters Andy, Alex (me), and Alan. These three guys have a house to themselves. There all fourteen years old and are very good friends and have never done something like this.

Today was an avrage Friday last day of the school week. With a weekend of fun planed today was the day we get a group. Each group must live under one roof for the weekend together. My first class was French wich went fine then English which is always easy. At break hangin with my friends was boring all we talked about was video games. After break I had PE we where doing volleyball. We where versing Andy's team while that was hapening Andy was trying to get attention by whering his shorts at his knees. So you could see his grey boxer briefs and one time when he dived for the ball he missed lying on his back with a boner stickin up. At the end of class we helped take down the nets together. We weren't friends but still knew each other in the storang room he asked me to turn around and his dick was a foot away from my face. On that note I left for the locker rooms hoped in the shower and washed myself. Then he came in and while walking behind me he put his dick on my ass which made me jump. When the bell rang I left my frightening class. Next I had band with my friend Alan who was my best friend we have had some TorD memories. After school I went for room 314 Alan ANSI sat the farest away from Andy. Miss Wafold picked team capitans for houses Andy was a capitan. Andy picked Alan and I. We where team 7 after we all got into the house we explored there was a TV, pool, pool table, and a wrestling ring. The bed room had three beds. Andy made diner and after we ate we where bored so Andy suggested.
"Hey why don't we play TorD" he said smiling at me.

End of part one

any ideas how I can improve the story
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Old 10-28-2009, 06:45 AM   #2
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This is the kind of story i have been waiting for, but it seems to be moving a little quickly and it is kinda confusing.other than that,great story.
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Old 10-28-2009, 08:34 PM   #3
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I think that this story has started OK, but it needs to be cleared up a little. Grammar and paragraphs make a HUGE difference. Try typing it into Word before posting, trust me it helps!

Good start!

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Old 10-28-2009, 11:16 PM   #4
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it'd be a good story if you'd elaborate on parts and make transitions rather than having the mind of a 3rd grader rambling on to different topics not really saying anything. im not trying to be rude im just letting you know you sound like a little kid.

"mommy, i went to school and then i came home and when i got home i went outside and there was a doggy oh and then ms walker at school said 5+5=55 and then the doggy started scratching himself and then on the way home from school i saw my friend sally who said her brother took her barbie and made it play with his power rangers"

thats what came to mind when i was reading it. but if you transition right and make a layout then you are good
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Old 10-29-2009, 12:24 AM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 1-up machine View Post
I will write more always if there's some positive feedback

This story has three characters Andy, Alex (me), and Alan. These three guys have a house to themselves. There all fourteen years old and are very good friends and have never done something like this.

Today was an average Friday, the last day of the school week. With a weekend of fun planned today was the day we get a group. Each group must live under one roof for the weekend . My first class was French which went fine then English which is always easy. At break hanging with my friends. It was was boring ,all we talked about was video games. After break I had PE during which, we played volleyball. We versed Andy's team. Andy was trying to get attention by wearing his shorts at his knees. So you could see his grey boxer briefs. he dived for the ball and missed. this caused him to be lying on his back with a boner sticking up. At the end of class we helped take down the nets . We weren't friends, but we still knew each other in the storang(?) room. He asked me to turn around and his dick was a foot away from my face. On that note, I left for the locker rooms, hopped in the shower and washed myself. He came in and while walking behind me. he put his dick on my ass which made me jump. When the bell rang I left my frightening class. Next I had band with my friend Alan who was my best friend, we have had some TorD memories. After school I went for room 314 Alan ANSI (?) sat in the furtherest seat away from Andy. Miss Wafold picked team captains for houses. Andy was a captain,. Andy picked Alan and I. We were team 7 after we all got into the house and we explored there was a TV, pool, pool table, and a wrestling ring. The bed room had three beds. Andy made dinner and after we ate we were bored so Andy suggested.
"Hey why don't we play TorD" he said smiling at me.

End of part one

any ideas how I can improve the story
not to be off putting, but this story need alot of work, the grammar and style need improving. anything in red was basic stuff.

for example, you wrote
we explored there was a TV, pool, pool table, and a wrestling ring. The bed room had three beds. Andy made diner and after we ate we were bored

A better way to write this would of been..

We explored the house. In the large living room was a TV and a pool table, and right outside was a pool and a wrestling ring!
"This is amazing!" I exclaimed.
"Sure is." Alan replied
"Let's see the rest of the house and then try these out." Andy said
"Ok" Alan and I answered.
We went back inside. To the left was a small kitchenette and on the right was a narrow hallway that lead to a small bathroom and a bedroom which had a bed for each of us.
"Anyone else hungry?" Alan asked
"Sure am!" I replied.
So we decided to eat before trying out anything. the kitchen was small but was well stocked. we decided to have some burgers. they were delicious


I suggest that you get a beta reader.
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Old 12-02-2009, 11:06 AM   #6
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grat story pleas finsh it
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Old 12-02-2009, 02:51 PM   #7
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good story! cant wait to see where it goes
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