Old 11-09-2008, 02:50 PM   #1
25rob1985
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Default Twins Birthday sleepover [fiction]

Let me introduce a few people first
Amy Birthday Girl average build with fairly large Tits about a D cup aged 20
George Birthday Boy average build well toned aged 20
Danni guest of Amy average build not so big on the tits about a C cup aged 22
Fred guest of George average build not so well toned aged 22

It is April 25th 2008 and it is Amy’s and George's birthday they are twins, their parents are going to be going away for the weekend for a business trip, they are told they are allowed to have 1 friend each for a sleepover. The parents go over the normal house rules:

1. No Braking things
2. No more than 1 person each
3. Only use the phone for emergency
4. Only use the money if you need to

So it is 12 o’clock and their parents have just left, then about 1 o’clock their friends turned up George and Danni, at first they just chill out and watch some DVD’s and order some pizza, it is now 7pm and they have watch a few DVD’s and ate there pizzas.

Then Amy turns around and says do you want a game of Truth or dare, they all turn around and say yes, so they go over a few rules:

1. Only allowed to refuse 2 dares for the whole night
2. Whatever happens tonight stays in these 4 walls
3. Each dare will last 10 mins

So let the game begin......................

To be continued please post feedback part 2 will be up in 2/3 days

Last edited by 25rob1985; 11-09-2008 at 08:32 PM.
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Old 11-09-2008, 04:59 PM   #2
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pretty good keep going
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Old 11-09-2008, 06:33 PM   #3
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I like it so far lets get this one going!
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Old 11-09-2008, 10:15 PM   #4
interesting
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Nice start. So far, too early to say anything good or bad storywise. Will await more before commenting.

However, I don't enjoy the visual presentation, because:

1. Centering the text is not standard presentation; used for titles and nothing more.
2. It dilutes the story behind a visual effect and may engender confusion.
3. It breaks from the beat which the story seeks to establish

If you're going to do a list, leave it at the left side of the page. That way:

1. It fits better visually with the rest of the text.
2. It does not displace the eye when looking at the structure.
3. If seals the list within the narrative.

The same applies to your character descriptions. Use a more standard format for presentation; visually, it's unnerving to have the descriptions centered like that. Here is your character presentation (same text, different format).

Let me introduce a few people first:
Amy - Birthday Girl, average build with fairly large Tits about a D cup, aged 20
George - Birthday Boy, average build well toned, aged 20
Danni - guest of Amy, average build not so big on the tits, about a C cup aged 22
Fred - guest of George, average build not so well toned, aged 22


Also, if everyone is of average build no need to mention it. And C cup is not so big? Do you know there is also A and B, and D is the biggest standard cup available? I'd say B is not so big, C is relatively big.
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Old 11-13-2008, 06:53 AM   #5
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The line that bit me was "eat there pizzas".

Of the three "there"s, this one refers to a place. Then there is "they're" which is a contraction for "they are", and "their" which shows possession.

The line should have been "eat their pizzas".

Yes, I am that picky about writing. You should see some of the letters I send to newspapers.... :-)
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Old 11-19-2008, 02:17 PM   #6
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sorry for the delay in part 2 but it will be up by the weekend
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