My Misstress, My Slave

Sexybabe16 · 11-05-2009, 11:36 PM

This my first story, so id love constructive critism!

Ashleigh, the most popular and mean girl in school, sat at her computer, logging onto getdare. Her username was Ash16babe and she was looking for a mistress. She had the house to herself these holidays.

Carmina, a girl who Ashleigh hates, also logged onto getdare and noticed Ash16babe's add for a mistress. Her username is C-mistress She smiled to her self and pmed her, this is what she said.

Hi Ash16Babe, I am looking for a female slave, who has a webcam. If you do, pm me back and we can start straight away.'

Ashleigh opened up the pm from C-mistress and replied straight away. 'Add me on Ashrocks4eva@hotmail.com and ill get on webcam.' She repiled.

Carmina got onto Cbossesyou@gmail.com and added her straight away.

THE CONVERSATION

C- Hi
A- Hey
C- You promise to obey me at all times
A- I do
c- Good! Now get on webcam
A - Opens up webcam
C - Some rules before we start
1. You must always call me Miss or Mistress
2. Dont hesitate or you will be punished
3. Dont be rude
4.. You are mine , dont be afraid
A- Yes Miss
C- Good you dirty little lady. Strip
A - Strips I have Miss
C - Move the webcam down so i can see your pussy. Masturbate now!
A Starts to masturbate
C - When you are about to cum, stop

After 7 minutes

A- I have stopped
C- Good now pack a bag and i expect you at 3 Rinley Avenue in 40 minutes!

What do you think so far?

urlilslave080 · 11-06-2009, 01:12 AM

Not bad, keep going.

00infinity · 11-06-2009, 01:17 AM

Okay one she didn't state her limits and there was no discussing before her accepting to be a slave at all, the story is over all very shallow and the converstation was bland, the concept has potential though, I suggests rewriting it and putting in her limits, and making ashleigh have some hesitation or atleast a personality she sounds like a god damn computer "I have stopped".... I don't mean to be harsh but well I guess I do but it's for your own good, like I said the concept has potential but you need to work on the meat and characters

Sexybabe16 · 11-06-2009, 01:33 AM

Ok, thanks, ill try and add some more personality into the next post.

00infinity · 11-06-2009, 01:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sexybabe16

Ok, thanks, ill try and add some more personality into the next post.

I'd suggest a bit of a rewrite

11-05-2009, 11:36 PM	#1
Sexybabe16 Member Join Date: Sep 2009 Posts: 65	My Misstress, My Slave This my first story, so id love constructive critism! Ashleigh, the most popular and mean girl in school, sat at her computer, logging onto getdare. Her username was Ash16babe and she was looking for a mistress. She had the house to herself these holidays. Carmina, a girl who Ashleigh hates, also logged onto getdare and noticed Ash16babe's add for a mistress. Her username is C-mistress She smiled to her self and pmed her, this is what she said. Hi Ash16Babe, I am looking for a female slave, who has a webcam. If you do, pm me back and we can start straight away.' Ashleigh opened up the pm from C-mistress and replied straight away. 'Add me on Ashrocks4eva@hotmail.com and ill get on webcam.' She repiled. Carmina got onto Cbossesyou@gmail.com and added her straight away. THE CONVERSATION C- Hi A- Hey C- You promise to obey me at all times A- I do c- Good! Now get on webcam A - Opens up webcam C - Some rules before we start 1. You must always call me Miss or Mistress 2. Dont hesitate or you will be punished 3. Dont be rude 4.. You are mine , dont be afraid A- Yes Miss C- Good you dirty little lady. Strip A - Strips I have Miss C - Move the webcam down so i can see your pussy. Masturbate now! A Starts to masturbate C - When you are about to cum, stop After 7 minutes A- I have stopped C- Good now pack a bag and i expect you at 3 Rinley Avenue in 40 minutes! What do you think so far?

11-06-2009, 01:12 AM	#2
urlilslave080 Distinguished Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: australia Posts: 535 Blog Entries: 1	Not bad, keep going. __________________ IF YOU WANT TO PLAY A DARE GAME AND HAVE A DECK OF CARDS BE SURE TO CHECK OUT MY THREAD TEXAS DARE EM http://www.getdare.com/bbs/showthread.php?t=23559 OR IF YOU HAVE DICE CHECK OUt MY NEW DICE DARE GAME http://www.getdare.com/bbs/showthread.php?t=27595 Happy Daring

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11-06-2009, 01:17 AM	#3
00infinity Account Banned Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: BC, canada Posts: 40	Okay one she didn't state her limits and there was no discussing before her accepting to be a slave at all, the story is over all very shallow and the converstation was bland, the concept has potential though, I suggests rewriting it and putting in her limits, and making ashleigh have some hesitation or atleast a personality she sounds like a god damn computer "I have stopped".... I don't mean to be harsh but well I guess I do but it's for your own good, like I said the concept has potential but you need to work on the meat and characters

11-06-2009, 01:33 AM	#4
Sexybabe16 Member Join Date: Sep 2009 Posts: 65	Ok, thanks, ill try and add some more personality into the next post.