Hey,
As requested, my opinion... ;3
Overall it is good, but there are some things that can be improved/that I would do different.
(I have only read about 1/3, the beginning and the end, only skimmed through the rest, pee isn't really my thing, and it's pretty pornographic
and I'm short on time, it's a lot of text really).
At some points it's confusing, maybe it's me not getting it, sometimes it's because you don't really mark direct speech and mix it with indirect speech...
Quote:
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Well Shawn I need to know one thing that you are planing if I decide to take the vacation with you guys. But what I really want to hear is something very kinky.
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The story is told from a first person narrator and you don't mark direct speech that contains I? bad idea^^ 2nd sentence sounds weird to me
Quote:
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Lots of things started coming to mind because I have given tt a lot of thought.
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because I had given - if I'm not totally mistaken when it comes to grammar ^^ generally it doesn't sound too good anyway...
Quote:
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We gave her some dates because I know this was going to happen in the next 30 days. Kate was able to make her schedule as well as she knew it was going to happen soon.
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knew
Quote:
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Caroline said Yes but before we log off....Master I need to pee!
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Again, it would be way better to mark direct speech as what it is (with "...")
why Yes capitalized? Well probably because you start a sentence there, but then mark it xD
Quote:
She looked a little worried and said how much might I be making. Caroline sounded worried.
Just before 9:00 the next day Kate called and said I am almost there and it is pouring rain out I will be there in a few.
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Quote:
Okay than kneel like you were doing before on your bed and find a glass bowl to pee in. Make sure we can see the stream.
....
She than clicked on my name to reveal a photo of my self.
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I didn’t even realize until than that she hadn’t been wearing a bra.
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the mistake literally everyone does ^^
other small things...
Quote:
Caroline i got to questions for you.
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So here is the deal both of you will not know the destination (this is not one sentence, but you write as if it was)
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I want you to drink to drink one 2 liter bottle
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No, you need to eat a late night snack. You did I asked correct? (what?!)
...
I was awaken buy someone moving around in the bed. It was Lyndsay..
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She ran into my office and she was soaking wet (from the rain). (I would not make it like this... why not say that it rains instead of breaking the reading flow with annotations)
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Yep it pouring rain outside today, telling Caroline. (what?!)
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Mostly your writing style is good, I didn't feel bored by the wording, and the formatting is good, etc...
But taking more care of mistakes like then/than, typos (buy/by), sentences that make so sense (wrong grammar/words missing/etc.), and especially marking the direct speech to make clear when you are describing, when a character says something and when a character says something that someone else said... you could improve your story (the flow) for the readers. :3
It is more the small things really, not the huge stuff...
Oh and maybe don't post too frequently (some of the old posts where very close behind each other), so readers have time to read and comment before the next chapter. Just save the chap and post it a few days later when you don't have the time to write or so... :3
Keep up the good work!
Love
Saphir
Ps: I didn't have too much time for this, and I'm not a native speaker myself
Sorry if I fucked up the wording or grammar or something in this post. :3 Just send me another message if you got any questions or so