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Originally Posted by msesi
Would you think that it would be better talking with her at a neutral ground -eg while drinking a coffee- or during/before/after sex. I have a feeling she might has her "defences" more down while we are at bed. And the problem is that almost all the times we start talking about sex, we have an argument at the end.
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I wish I had a simple answer for you here, but I don't think there's one that would cover every case-- because different people are different. I'd try to make sure not to put too much pressure on her, in either case. If you ask something, and she seems to not know or take a while thinking about it-- I'd explicitly offer more time, or ask that she take some time, to think it over.
As mentioned above, there are all sorts of reasons someone would be willing sometimes, but not all of the time. Working out appropriate times to do this sort of stuff may be useful. It doesn't have to be a strict schedule-- but surprises aren't always appreciated.
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Originally Posted by msesi
I understand what you are saying, but.
I do not want her to become my slave. I want her to find out what she likes in sex. And then, I wanna offer that to her. So, if after some time (months, years, I do not know) finds out she likes being my slave, then yes, I would offer her that.
But her being my slave/submissive is not what I want right now. I want her to open up more, relax, and have more fun.
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From what you've said so far, I'd still think of her as just a person who likes some things, rather than a "submissive." You may want to make sure you're wanting to help her with more than just sex. (which, on a related note: is she comfortable with more vanilla sex?)
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It is quite obvious to me that she likes being dominated but "under conditions". For example, she loves being tied, but only if I fuck her while being tied. She does not let me for example tie her and play with her pussy or spank her. But she does let me tie her, fuck her and spank her at the same time. Or play with her pussy while not being tied. And these things somehow confuse me. Do I do something wrong? Am I pushing her too much?
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[QUOTE=iSpuds;2623437]Honestly, the same qualities that create the foundation for a good BDSM relationship are the same qualities that create the foundation of any good relationship. Therefore, whether you're wanting her to be your slave or not, I maintain that providing a space where openness and trust are able to build is probably the best thing for you right now.
Like some others have mentioned, it is important to talk about these things while not being influenced by arousal. It may be awkward, but sitting down at a table and asking her, "What are
you interested in sexually?" may be the best way for you to find out exactly what it is she wants.
Quote:
Originally Posted by msesi
It is quite obvious to me that she likes being dominated but "under conditions". For example, she loves being tied, but only if I fuck her while being tied. She does not let me for example tie her and play with her pussy or spank her. But she does let me tie her, fuck her and spank her at the same time. Or play with her pussy while not being tied. And these things somehow confuse me. Do I do something wrong? Am I pushing her too much?
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I'd be careful to assume that wanting to be told what to do, asking you to eat her out, or allowing other things you've asked her to do indicates that she actually likes those things. Even if she is a "submissive," not all like/want sexual things-- but will often tolerate/pursue it to please their partner. Even more so if you keep pressuring her to try new things, she may avoid saying things in fear of displeasing you.
Which goes back to: what has actually been communicated? Your intent to try new sexual things? Your intent to only do things she likes? Things she actually likes, rather than just things she accept to make you happier?