View Single Post
Old 01-05-2011, 11:34 AM   #3
Anjelen
Account Banned
 
Anjelen's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Rotterdam
Posts: 1,286
Blog Entries: 1
Send a message via MSN to Anjelen Send a message via Yahoo to Anjelen
Default

Perhaps one of the biggest stumbling blocks for 'new' Dominants, is self-conciousness. Starting from scratch, particularly for the inexperienced is often a source of 'am i doing this right?' - not in the least because more often than not we go against the way we've been taught to behave 'socially'.

For instance - Between treating someone as we would normally, and treating someone as our Submissive, is a threshold, a small step that we must take for both our and our submissives' satisfaction - we must flick the switch, so to speak, and forget for a moment all those behaviors that we were told are socially sound, in order to be able to give commands and 'make use' of someone - this can be especially hard in the case of someone we care about, and especially for newbies - who aren't accustomed to this click after which we can treat someone who we normally adore with a certain amount of... Perhaps respecting disdain is a correct term to use, here.

In any other setting than in a play session, my grabbing a submissive by their hair and pushing them to their knees in order to place them on their knees - an action that works on more levels than just the physical; placing a submissive on their knees is also a manner of grounding them, of differentiating between now we are friends and now you should kneel before me - will more than likely be reasons for a domestic dispute at worse, and indignance, the gut-reaction of 'you can't treat me like that!' at best.

And that's just the start of it. Especially beginning Dominants will have a little voice screaming at the back of their minds, telling them that they shouldn't be treating friends like that, that they look rediculous, that noone in their right minds will take them seriously - etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.

As such, there's not only self-conciousness to overcome, but also guilt, embarassment, and a sense of 'this isn't right' - more often than not, in the case of new Dominants and more experienced Submissives, there's also the wonderment of how someone can truly enjoy being treated in this manner.

The best thing a new Dominant can do is to find support from (a) more experienced Dominant(s), someone who will be capable of reassuring, but also capable of instructing, teaching - of mentoring in a fashion -of explaining the different levels of effect that are caused by the interplay of Dominant and Submissive, the different things to be kept in mind - all in all, someone with whom the new Dominant is able to share experiences and who is capable of putting said experiences in a context that makes sense, as opposed to leaving the new Dominant to guess at what is going on...

Not the least additional benefit of this, is an exchange of techniques, an exchange of tips and tricks and manners of play that add depth to the developing relationship of the new Dominant and their submissive - and more importantly still - they will be able to explain to the new Dominant why they do the things they do, how they do the things they do, and what effect the things they do (should) have.

Naturally, and this is important to note - every person is unique - this is no different when it concerns Dominants and Submissives. Everybody has their own and (at least in their views) valid points of view to bring to bare; from disgintuishing safe, sane & consensual to risk-aware consensual kink and choosing a 'side' - or even deciding whether one wants to choose a side, to the establishment of, and the neccesity or even desirability of a safeword - to name but a few of the myriads of examples i could put on the table.

This is a time of learning for the both of you - give each other time and space. Realisations and completely new kinds of logic will be found; if anything, BDSM is great for teaching one about other people as well as finding out new things about oneself.

My advice, then, would be to find a mentor or mentrix for your Domme - someone who meshes with your both outlook or at least someone who's capable of empathising and understanding both your outlook on BDSM, and capable of helping you two establish a repore, guiding her as well as you yourself through what can only be described as a very, very difficult and complicated time -

The embrace - or at the least acknowledgement of existance - of a completely new, and in a lot of cases, alien lifestyle.

As such - please feel free to ask me any questions you might have - and feel free to let her ask me any questions she might have. I can only offer my views and experiences, but through them i can offer some sense and sanity - and if desired, i'd also be able to direct her to places where she can find tons, and tons of information on the subject.

Good luck, have fun, and may your days be full of knowing grins, and your nights of lustful moans.

-- Nunc Intellego --
__________________
Music by me:
'Suspense'(Reason v4.0)
'Keep your head up v0.1' (Fasttracker v2.09)

* How to not be a Dumbinant *
* Here's your chance to ask me anything! *

"It's better to try and fail than to fail to try."
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
-- Nunc Intellego --
Anjelen is offline   Reply With Quote