Quote:
Originally Posted by 1-up machine
I will write more always if there's some positive feedback
This story has three characters Andy, Alex (me), and Alan. These three guys have a house to themselves. There all fourteen years old and are very good friends and have never done something like this.
Today was an average Friday, the last day of the school week. With a weekend of fun planned today was the day we get a group. Each group must live under one roof for the weekend . My first class was French which went fine then English which is always easy. At break hanging with my friends. It was was boring ,all we talked about was video games. After break I had PE during which, we played volleyball. We versed Andy's team. Andy was trying to get attention by wearing his shorts at his knees. So you could see his grey boxer briefs. he dived for the ball and missed. this caused him to be lying on his back with a boner sticking up. At the end of class we helped take down the nets . We weren't friends, but we still knew each other in the storang(?) room. He asked me to turn around and his dick was a foot away from my face. On that note, I left for the locker rooms, hopped in the shower and washed myself. He came in and while walking behind me. he put his dick on my ass which made me jump. When the bell rang I left my frightening class. Next I had band with my friend Alan who was my best friend, we have had some TorD memories. After school I went for room 314 Alan ANSI (?) sat in the furtherest seat away from Andy. Miss Wafold picked team captains for houses. Andy was a captain,. Andy picked Alan and I. We were team 7 after we all got into the house and we explored there was a TV, pool, pool table, and a wrestling ring. The bed room had three beds. Andy made dinner and after we ate we were bored so Andy suggested.
"Hey why don't we play TorD" he said smiling at me.
End of part one
any ideas how I can improve the story
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not to be off putting, but this story need alot of work, the grammar and style need improving. anything in red was basic stuff.
for example, you wrote
we explored there was a TV, pool, pool table, and a wrestling ring. The bed room had three beds. Andy made diner and after we ate we were bored
A better way to write this would of been..
We explored the house. In the large living room was a TV and a pool table, and right outside was a pool and a wrestling ring!
"This is amazing!" I exclaimed.
"Sure is." Alan replied
"Let's see the rest of the house and then try these out." Andy said
"Ok" Alan and I answered.
We went back inside. To the left was a small kitchenette and on the right was a narrow hallway that lead to a small bathroom and a bedroom which had a bed for each of us.
"Anyone else hungry?" Alan asked
"Sure am!" I replied.
So we decided to eat before trying out anything. the kitchen was small but was well stocked. we decided to have some burgers. they were delicious
I suggest that you get a beta reader.