Seeing the level of English used by some here (even though they are supposed to be "native speakers"), I understand why shortening your sentences is recommended.
I, on the other hand, have no problem at all with them, as long as the structure remains correct. In this case, I never had to read something twice. Therefore your text is perfect as it is, for me.
Regarding the comical note: I would like to read a less-than-extreme story for a change. The Club might the kind of association of sane people, with normal lives, all playing happily together. Hearing more laughter then screams in such a Club
is a fact that I fortunately have witnessed myself
