[KittenRose]

I wrote this in response to a question I was asked in a PM:

I always knew I liked sex, even before I knew what it meant. My cousin (a boy) and I would often play with each other, taking off our clothes and touching each other. We were 8 or 10 and so really did not what we were doing. Of course, when we played he would always have an erection, but I think we never knew what do with it! It was fun and I liked it a lot when he touched me, and I liked touching him too.

(Incidentally, we still run into each other. He is married and has kids and, obviously, we never bring up our little adventures, even when we are alone! I don't find him attractive at all, and, in fact, he is a little too stupid for me. Big turn off!)

Later, as I got older I realized I liked pain. I am not sure how, but I discovered that spanking myself, or twisting my nipples gave me a lot of pleasure. I experimented a lot. I found another boy to play with. However, even now we never had sex, but simply played strip games in which we would take turns stripping each other and then giving simple tasks (like doing jumping jacks, gentle spanking etc). I liked the feel of his hard cock in my hands, and often would kiss it and put it in my mouth. Strangely, I never actually gave him a blow job!

We eventually stopped, mainly because our parents got suspicious of something going on between us. I must have been 13 or 14.

My first real experience with BDSM was at a "Power Exchange" club. I was taking a human sexuality class and I decided I would do a term paper on kink clubs. I found a local BDSM club and joined it. I told them why I was there and they seemed fine.

We would meet in people's homes and there would be a designated play area. I mostly observed, but once they asked me if I wanted to be tied up. I agreed (very nervous!) and they put on a blindfold and tied me up. My hands were behind me and I was sitting down, legs folded under me, slightly spread. I was dressed but it still felt wonderful, specially as once I was tied they left me like that for a while. Just the feeling of sitting there, unable to see or move was very, very intense. Later, they untied my legs, made me stand, bent me over a chair and spanked me. They were kind, asking my consent every time, but the spanks were hard, even though not on my bare bottom! I must admit that I was dripping wet from this experience.

Of course, I never told the professor that I did some real "practical experiments" for my project when I turned in my term paper!

My most intense, and perhaps borderline abusive experience happened when I was getting my PhD. That is a much longer story and perhaps I will recount later. However, she pushed me into a very dark place for a while and this had a major impact on me. Strangely, though, my work never suffered and I feel like, in fact, my math and physics creativity got even better while under her control.

I have had done things online and offline now and then, but never anything really serious or long term. After the dark experience I could not get into this so deep again. I also experimented with dom-ing a guy who I eventually ended up meeting in person once. Which was nice and a lot of fun. He was certainly my intellectual match, which, I must say, is very rare in guys who are into D/S stuff. That was probably the thing that attracted me most to him, and even though I "dom-ed" him, I was really craving for him to turn around, tie me up and fuck me hard! There is an interesting twist to what happened between us later, but that is for another day ...

Strangely, I have a pretty good vanilla sex life too. I love my BF a lot, and he and I do many playful things, but never and D/S stuff. Somehow I don't think it would be right. However, often, I pretend that I am his sub and then do some pretty wicked things ... in cars, on hiking trails, in tents while camping, in the kitchen, in the library, in hot-tubs ... but he does not know anything about my secret, submissive slut side.

Overall, I like the idea of being controlled, being thought of as a fuck-toy and someone to abuse and humiliate. It turns me on a lot, and even thinking about it makes me wet and my breath warm and moist. I should stop now, or else I think I may have to soon find an interesting way to cool down!