[interesting]

My girlfriend is the most amazing person on the planet. She still terrifies me sometimes. Last Friday was quite an evening, nothing I had planned, but I fessed up. Told her everything I should have told her that Wednesday, when I first saw my boss Paolo and the intern Kennedy getting it on.

This weekend, we talked. A lot. Like, really a lot. We talked about things we never talk about, because they're implied, because there was no reason to bring them up. We started dating in high school. We're still together, five years in now, and it's been amazing and wonderful. But every so often, in every relationship, you hit a wall, and then you have to decide what you want to do. I love Claire too much to let her go, and I am ready to do anything to be with her for the rest of our lives. Except... I don't have to. And this is weirdest and most wonderful part. She gets me. She completely understands my dilemmas and my hesitations, and she supports me whatever is happening in my life.

Since we talked so much, we addressed the elephant in the room: the video I shot in my boss' office on Thursday, another romp between her and Kennedy. We talked about deleting it, but Claire told me to wait on it. We downloaded the video to an external key (so it's not connected to the internet and no one can accidentally find and see it). It's no longer on my phone. Then, we talked about this presumed liaison between the two. And that's where my girlfriend, the adorable, wonderful, twisted Claire, shone brighter than anywhere else. You might almost think the suggestion she came up with is mad, but truthfully, it is the only decent thing to do, given what happened and my knowledge of their liaison.

When Monday comes around, I go to work, relaxed from the weekend (finally had some nice sexy time with Claire before bed last night, so I'm very chill). I hit the office at eight and start my shift, attending the daily meeting, working to file forms and type some material. I cross Paola in the hall and tell her I need to meet with her right before lunch for personal stuff. She tells me we can go to lunch together. I'm almost tempted to say no, but I acquiesce. We need to be alone for this. I wanted to talk to her in her office, door closed, but I suppose being out of there may make what I have to tell her easier to present. I'm very anxious for the rest of the morning but I manage it, thinking of my Claire at home, thinking of me.

We head out around eleven forty-five and cross the street to the sandwich place. I tell her I'd rather eat outside on a bench. It's a beautiful sunny day. We get our meals and sit on the terrace, in a corner. The sound of the traffic drowns out my voice, so I hope we can converse normally. She's looking at me funny, like she suspects something. I can't speak in this context. I wolf down my meal and wait for her to finish. We talk about work and the weather.

"Would you mind if we walked?" I ask her, checking my watch. We barely have fifteen minutes left, but my courage is waning. She agrees. We get up and walk down the street towards the bus stop. My fists are clenched. I need to make this happen or I'll lose my nerve.

"What is it?" Paola asks, feeling my tension.

We're just beside the bus stop. There's no one else close. I look up, stare into her eyes.

"I saw you."
"You saw me?"
"I... didn't mean to but... last Wednesday, I saw you in your office."
"Oh."

She understands. Now I'm scared. She's my boss. She can fire me. But she seems calm.

"What exactly did you see?" she asks.
"All of it..."
"Ah!"

I hate those one word sentences that mean everything and nothing at the same time. I have to get ahead for her, take charge of the conversation. That's what Claire wants me to do.

"I want to apologize for it."
"Excuse me?"
"I shouldn't have stayed but... I saw you two and... I was glued to the sight..."
"You saw everything..."

It suddenly truly dawns on her, and I see the fear in her eyes now, and I don't want that. Before I can speak, she hits me with the accusatory glance.

"And what are you going to do about it?"
"Well... tell you first..."
"Ok, you did. And then...?"
"And then... nothing."

She is not expecting that answer. I smile, trying to appear sympathetic.

"Look, Paola, you are the best boss I could ask for, and it's my fault for intruding in your... personal affairs but... I couldn't say nothing. I had to tell you."
"And... you don't plan to use it against me?"
"No! Of course not!"

She's shocked. Was she thinking I would blackmail her? Not that the thought didn't cross my mind, but that would be wrong and illegal... and wrong!

"Listen, Paola. It's not my business what you do in your personal time..."

Suddenly, her mood shifts, and she smiles at me.

"It's my fault," she says. "I found out Rodrigo (that's her husband) is cheating on me."
"Oh! I'm so sorry..."
"Yeah... she's about your age, perfect tits..."
"I think your tits are perfect," I answer, and then I realize what I said, but Paola smiles.
"Thank you... anyway, Kennedy came onto me and... I just wanted revenge... and..."
"And he was good, right?"

She can't prevent herself from smiling.

"I don't love him but... that revenge sex... wow..."

My boss is confiding in me, and I love it. She becomes serious.

"We shouldn't have done it in the office. It was careless."
"Very..."

She stares at me, still surprised that I'm not threatening her with this.

"You really are something special, Claire... we need to get back but... I'd like... to talk about this some more, with you... if you don't mind."
"I would love to."

That's not the only thing I want to talk about. Why do I get so hot when people are kind to me? Her smile is intoxicating. I feel like I felt when I met Prissy for the first time: a visceral need formed in my gut and didn't let go until I had her. But it won't be the same with Paola... will it? I'm getting confused.

We start walking back towards the office, and I can swear she's checking me out! But I know my mind, and I'm definitely imagining things. I am not that lucky. I think.

When the work day comes to an end, Paola intercepts me as I'm leaving.

"Busy?"
"Heading home," I answer. "Why?"
"I'd like to talk some more..."
"Well..."

So I call Claire. I tell her I'm going to a dinner with my boss. She asks me how it went, and I tell her it went great. She tells me to go for it, so Paola and I end up in a fancy restaurant, and she's paying. Great! Now I'm on a date? But no, that's not what it is. Through the supper, Paola tells me everything. Her husband cheating on her, her kids having problems at school, her mother's medical condition, the stress of the office... then she gets to talking about Kennedy, how he approached her, how he's into cougars (which I tell her she is not) and how bad she feels about it, but how good it feels when they're doing it... And I'm getting horny just from watching her lips move. It did the same thing with Prissy, just not this fast. I want her. I really do want her to rip my clothes off and eat me out in the restaurant. I don't let my mind wander too much for fear I'll get caught.

Suddenly, she stops talking and asks about me. I tell her I'm good, I talk about Claire, how she helped me figure out what to do about what I knew. I sense some kind of sadness in her voice. So I have to ask.

"um... Paola... are you jealous?"
"What?"
"Of me and Claire?"

She smiles back. She thinks she is, a little bit. Being cheated on may do that, she mentions. I tell her that she's gorgeous, that the man is a loser, that any normally constituted male would want to be with her... that any lesbian would be honored to make her forget that men are pigs. That last comment is made as a joke, but I almost feel like it hits a nerve. I'm scared now. Scared of what I'm saying, of what I'm feeling. Claire is not here and I'm frightened. I don't even know what's going on in Paola's head. And I haven't even drunk anything! She's had four glasses of wine when we leave the restaurant and I don't want to leave her, so we head to the bus stop, get on, and I take her home. She's tipsy along the way, a little sadness in her eyes. I caress her hair as she rests her head on my shoulder. My entire being is telling me to take advantage of her... if only to kiss her. I'm burning up inside and Claire's image in my mind is goading me on, telling me to do it.

When we get to her place, she gives me a big hug, thanks me with a pat on the cheek and walks up the steps to her house, where her family (kids and husband) are probably waiting for her. I watch her disappear inside. I take a few steps out of view, I sit down on the sidewalk and I cry. Not big tears, just that residual emotion from the stress I just lived in the past two hours, in the restaurant and on the ride home. I pick up my phone because I want to call Claire, but I don't dial. I stare at my girlfriend's face on the screen, and she seems to be telling me to rush back, confess my desire and act on it. But her husband and kids are probably there! It's an insane conundrum and my mind can't break the code.

I finally get up and send a text to Claire, telling her I'm on my way. I don't walk by Paola's house, just because I can't afford any tempation right now. I really am an emotional wreck again, and I hope Claire can patch me up, again. I'm just tired of being conflicted.