[interesting]

A wise person would make a strategic exit after dropping a bomb somewhere, in order to avoid being blown up. But I'm rarely wise, and very often stupid. My mom is sick in the hospital, and I just told my adopted brother and sister that I'm doing a porn shoot the next day.

It's a little past eight in the evening, and I'm stuck in a waiting hall with them. It's quiet at this time, visting hours are over.

"But... but... why?" Janice finally manages to ask.
"Why what?"
"Why... are you... doing porn?"

There's a judgment in that question, and I know where it comes from. It comes from mom. Overly zealous and over-protective mom, whose children could do no harm. Blind as a bat, believing her offspring to be angels and not the spawn of evil. Daniel's eyes are sending mixed messages. He watches porn and he loves it, but the thought of me in one is both mesmerizing and troubling. People want to assume that the people they know never have sex, but that's a lie! Almost everybody has sex at some point, and most keep it intimate, behind closed doors. Porn is sex without the intimacy. That's how I see it. And with all the group fucking I've done in my life, I have no issue having someone watch me perform while I'm performing.

"Because I need money. I have no real marketable skills, no relationship to tie me down, it pays well."
"But... porn?"
"What? It's degrading? Not always. Some of it is quite nice."

I'm not stupid enough to think my adopted sister, the one who loved to get me naked so she could humiliate me, knows nothing about porn.

"Well," she manages to blurt out, "it's your life, I guess."
"Damn right, it's my life! What, Daniel's into peddling drugs and you're not all over him!"

That was the lowest blow I could strike. Daniel feigns being offended and goes on the attack.

"Hey! The only difference between porn and prostitution is the camera!" he replies.
"The only difference between peddling drugs and selling medication is a counter," I rebuff him.

He doesn't answer. His was a prepared response, and there's no comeback for it. The quiet eases the tension, and Janice finally lets it go.

"You're right... it's... none of my business."

She's wrong. It is her business. It's his business too. There are things I need to tell them. But not here. Not in this hospital, not with mom sick not twenty meters from us. I'm here and I can't even see her. I don't want to see her. I came here for them.

"Daniel... Janice... let's go."

My tone is steady, my words are sharp. They freeze.

"Go where?"
"Mom's not going anywhere, and there's a park just outside the hospital. Let's all get some air, the three of us."

I see the fear in their eyes. They remember now. They remember about little Jennifer, their puppet, the fear in my eyes. It's not there anymore. Tom and Sarah won it back for me. And it's mine. And I've been given a lot of bullshit over my life and, for once, I'm sick of it. I'm tired of people rolling over me. I get up.

"Come on. I won't bite."

Both of them hesitate. There's two of them and only one of me, but it doesn't matter. I have this power over them now, and I realize that's how they must have felt back then. That's the power their hold on me gave them. I would have done anything to be truly their brother or sister, but I was never that. I was the surrogate. Janice manages to get up and Daniel follows. It was like that back then too. Janice was always stronger than him.

It takes us five minutes to get to the park. It's dark but there's no chill. I'm hot, overheating. I want to strip naked. I've grown a lot since then. I wonder how they'd react. I hold back my impulse as we trek to an isolated sector of the park. We sit on opposite benches, near a fountain. The sound of water pouring calms me down, but also makes me want to pee. I ignore it for the moment.

"We need... to talk about it."
"About what?" Daniel asks.
"About the abuse you gave me... about the blackmail, and the sex..."
"Do we have to?" he asks.

It takes all my courage and control to prevent from screaming, but the tone is louder than I wanted it to be.

"Yes, we do!"

More silence. I have to hit them hard, to destabilize them if I'm going to get away with this, if I'm going to break down the code of silence. A question pops out.

"Why?"

Neither of them answers. They can barely look in my direction. I have to be specific.

"Daniel, you had me strip for you, show you my breasts, play with your dick... and then, you tricked me into being blackmailed and sucking you off."

I'm amazed at the precision of my words, but those memories are etched in my mind like writing in stone. Only millenia could erode them. Daniel can't answer. I turn to my adopted sister.

"Janice, you helped him blackmail me. You sucked my clit, put fingers in my pussy and made me come, and you had me eat you up..."

Janice wants to speak but she can't. She seems horrified at my words.

"For fuck's sake," I almost scream out, "I'm your sister! You don't do that to people you love."

Suddenly, it's Janice that explodes.

"But we didn't love you! You arrived and you messed up our lives. We had a great thing, the four of us, mom, dad, Dan and me, and then... when you were adopted, it all went to shit!"
"How is that my fault? I didn't kill my fucking parents in that car crash!"
"I know! But I was a teen, and I was angry, and mom... she always told us how good you were, and how we needed to be more like you!"
"Bullshit!" I scream back at her. "She never did anything for me!"
"You'd think that, wouldn't you? You always came up in conversation. Why can't you be more quiet like Jenny? More cooperative? You were always hogging the spotlight!"
"She hated me!" I reply. "She never once hugged me!"
"She couldn't!" Daniel suddenly burst into the conversation. "She didn't hug either of us either... ever think of that?"

I froze. That was an information that had always eluded me, if it was true. Then again, how was it my fault? The screaming stopped and we stared down at the ground for a long moment. I spoke first.

"Is that true?"
"Yes..." Janice states calmly. "Listen, Jenny... I am so so terribly sorry... this year has been... fuck, I have a one year old son whose father is a douche and has left me, my mom is in the hospital, my brother's a drug dealer, and my half-sister hates me..."

I stay quiet. I don't want to add to our common misery. We're all so screwed up.

"Is it our fault?" Janice asks.
"What about?"

She needs her to be more precise. I'm just so confused right now.

"You're doing porn... is it because of us?"

It's a good question. A great question. Maybe the best question. But, I have to be honest with her. It won't be pretty.

"No. I mean yes, but... no."

They look at me, as confused as I am.

"I'm doing porn because I like sex, I need money and it pays well. That's the reason. I was giving titjobs and blowjobs when I was twelve, and I've always been sexually active. Except lately. I'm in a rut. When I was with Sarah, I could have sex everyday. She loved it. And so did I. And now..."
"So... you're... lacking?" Daniel tries to enter the conversation.
"No. It's not even about that. It's about... easy. It's easy to have sex. In front of the camera is just... another way. But enough about me."

I get up and walk over to Janice, getting on my knees beside her. I place one hand on her knee, the other on her shoulder. My eyes find hers.

"I'm sorry about your boy's father."
"I should have known, in hindsight. When we met, he was screwing other women while we were dating. Even gave him permission to do so when I got pregnant. I'm just a stupid cunt..."
"Hey!"

My shout breaks her mood. My eyes are angry, but it'st not directed at her.

"Don't ever say that. He's the loser for not sticking around. Trust... you know it's a bitch."
"Yeah... we failed you in that department."
"Maybe you did. That was... ages ago. I've been dragging that shit a long time. Too long, maybe."
"We all have," Janice replies.

She's smiling through her tears. Daniel is very stiff behind her. He's still confused about the whole thing.

"Back then," I say, talking to both of them, "I felt like I was your... in-between. I mean, it felt like... you two wanted to... get together... but couldn't, being brother and sister... and all."

It took a lot of energy for me to say those words. I just hope they lead somewhere. Janice isn't answering, but Daniel suddenly volunteers information I never suspected would come from him.

"Yeah... you're right."

Janice stiffens, but I ease her tension by rubbing her knee.

"I can say it for both of us, Janice," Daniel continues. "It started when I first saw her... you... naked. Stepping out of the shower. I got so horny I... well... and after that, it just got worse. And then, both of you... your breasts... I was... I still am a mess about sex and girls... it's like I lose my wits, completely..."
"I guess... we did use you a little like that... maybe."
"And now?"

My question stuns the both of them.

"That's past me," Janice answers, not taking too much time to think. "I... got therapy for it."
"You did?" I ask, somewhat surprised.
"There's... one thing you never knew. It happened after the incident with... the blackmail. You never knew because you were never there anymore."

I see Daniel tensing up, so I move my other hand to his knee.

"Did you two ever...?" I start asking.
"No! No, never."

Daniel's rebuttal is adamant, but I feel there's a story to this. He goes on.

"But... you see, I had this picture of Janice, naked, and... dad found it. And he beat me up bad. Nothing showing. And he told mom. And she beat Janice up, something fierce. Any further intent was blocked after that... and a few months later, high school ended. We got out of there as quickly as we could."
"And that's partly why dad left. He was so... distraught. And mom kept defending us, saying she'd been a bad mother... it all exploded, but you'd left already, and didn't keep in touch and... we didn't call."

There's so much that happened. It's so complex, a tapestry of events and decisions that set all of us down paths of self-destruction. Daniel sells drugs. Janice got knocked up from a loser. And I'm doing porn. Dad left. Mom... I can't imagine what she's going through.

"I'm sorry," I say.
"You don't have anything to apologize about," Janice tells me.
"Still... I'm sorry I hurt you."
"And I'm sorry I hurt you."
"We hurt you..." Daniel adds.

There's a quiet in the night now, and it feels tranquil, like it's rarely felt before.

"You want to know what the weirdest part is?" I tell them.

They stare at me blankly.

"I'm not related to either of you... I mean, we're a family yes, so there's a taboo there but... that scene in the shower, where we were all together... do you remember it?"
"I do," Janice says; Daniel simply nods.
"Well, it's weird to say it but... it was the closest we had ever been. Until today."

Suddenly, my perception of the scene had completely shifted in my mind. I was no longer being blackmailed. I was being cared for, loved. And suddenly, Janice's fingers in my pussy and her lips on my sex were tender, and Daniel's taste in my mouth was salty, surprising but not disgusting. And a very strange thought, a bit dark perhaps, emerged in my mind, but I kept it for myself, at least for the moment.

Perhaps Daniel is reading my mind because he speaks up.

"I never really thanked you for... you know... everything. You did like we asked and... well, we took advantage, and that was wrong."
"And I wish," I reply, surprised at my words, "you had asked instead of imposed. I might have been willing to indulge you... both of you. I love you. You're... family, I guess. No. I know."

Janice leans down and pulls me up, wrapping her arms around me, giving me a powerful hug. Daniel pulls in and we have a three-person hug. It feels warm. As Janice pulls away a little, we come face-to-face, so I kiss her on the lips. Not a long kiss but it's full of love and forgiveness. Her lips taste sweet. And as Daniel starts to pull away, I pull him back in, and kiss him too. It lasts a little longer, not much. There's a bit of awkwardness in all of it, but I don't mind. And my half-brother and sister seem to handle it. As I retreat from the embrace and stand up, the ideas forming in my mind race to the conscious mind. I should stay quiet, but I can't. I have always acted on the moment, following the impulse.

"I think I need to go home," I start saying, "but... well, two things. No three. One : I'm really glad we talked. I needed this - I have needed this for years."
"Me too."
"Me three."
"Two : I'll visit mom tomorrow afternoon, after lunch."

I mark a pause before uttering the third sentence.

"Three : tomorrow morning, I have to be at my shoot around eight. And... if you want to come see what I do, I would like that."
"See what you do?" Janice tosses at me, bewildered.
"If you want to come watch me - like you watched me back then - I'd be... honored."

Now I've done it. The cold icy silence of death, it seems. Their answer stuns me as much as my question stunned them, but it's not in the words: it's in the tone.

"I... can't," Janice says. "I have my son and I can't bring him, even if he is just one..."
"I, uh... maybe," Daniel throws in. "I'll take down the address."

He does. I give it to him. Even Janice takes it down, but she can't be there. But they still take it down. I must be nuts. No, I am nuts. But that's okay. We all are.