STRIP POKER WITH A TWIST THE AFTERMATH
PART 37B (313 Parts in total)
please select/vote for your favorite/s jokes from the selection below.
JOKE 1
A bus full of nuns crashes and unforunatly they all die,at the gates of heaven they meet st peter.
He asks the first nun "have you ever had any contact with a penis?" the nun replies "i poked one once." st peter says "wash your finger in this holy water and enter heaven."
he asks the next nun the same question, she replies "i fiddled with one once". "wash your hand in this holy water and enter heaven."
then st peter hears a commotion among the other nuns and one nun pushes to the front.
"whats wrong?" he asks.
The nun replies "if im going to have to gargle that holy water, i want to do it before sister anne washes her ass in it".
JOKE 2
There once was a man in the desert, that bought a camel, but he was unhappy with the speed of the camel so he brought it back to the dealer.
"sir, this camel is so slow" the man said
"no no sir, just back it up into this tent" the dealer replied
the man backed the camel in, and the dealer took 2 bricks and slaped the camels nutsack, making the camel run of faster than ever.
The man looked puzzled, and asked: "well how am i supposed to catch it now?"
the dealer replied: "just back into the tent sir"
JOKE 3
Two psychiatrists were walking down a hall.
One turned to the other and said, "hello."
the other one thought, "i wonder what he meant by that."
JOKE 4
Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.
The driver blonde turned to her friend and said “you know – it’s blondes like that that give us a bad name!”
to this, the other blonde replies “i know it, and if i knew how to swim, i’d go out there and drown her.”
QUOTE 5
a newlywed couple just moved into their new house.
One day the husband comes home from work and his wife asks for a favor, "honey, the car won't start, i think that it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"
"what do i look like, mr. Goodwrench?" was his response.
A weeks go by, and it's raining pretty hard. His wife then finds a leak in the roof. She pleads with him as he's walking through the door. "honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"
he just looked at her and said, "what do i look like, bob vila?" and sat down with a beer and watched a game on tv.
One weekend the husband woke up and it was pouring pretty hard, but the leak on the roof was gone!
His wife was coming home just then, and as she walked through the door, the husband asked, "honey, how come there aren't any more leaks, and the car's running?"
she replied nonchalantly, "oh, the other day i was picking up the mail, and i ran into one of our new neighbors, jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything."
"wow, did he charge us anything?" asked the husband.
"no, he just said that he'd do it for free if i either baked him a cake or had sex with him." she said.
"cool. What kind of cake did you make?" asked the husband.
"cake? What the hell do you think i look like, betty crocker?
QUOTE 6
The police arressted two boys yesterday
one was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks
they charged one and let the other off
we three kings of orient ah
one in a taxi one in a car
one on a scooter
beeping his hooter
smoking a fat cigar
ohhhoh star of wonder
star of night
sit on a box of dynamite
light the fuse
and read the news
and you'll be on the moon tonight
how many blonde jokes are there?
Just this one the rest are all true stories
JOKE 7
Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company's christmas party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.
As bad as he as feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sat up and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looked around the room and saw that it was in perfect order, spotlessly clean.
So was the rest of the house. He took the aspirins, and cringed when he saw a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he noticed a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
"honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to get
groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!"
he stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son was also at the table, eating.
Jack asked, "son, what happened last night?"
"well, you came home after 3 a.m, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway,
and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
confused, he asked his son, "so, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??
His son replied, "oh that! Mum dragged you to the bathroom to clean you up, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'leave me alone bitch, i'm married!"
JOKE 8
An escaped convict broke into a house, and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his gorgeous young wife, bound-up on the bed in a tiny, thin, silk nightgown, and whispered, "honey, this guy hasn't been with a woman in years. Just go with whatever he wants. If he wants to have sex, just do it, and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it!"
"honey," the wife said, out of the corner of her gag, "i'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a nice, firm, tight ass!"
JOKE 9
Three couples got married and spent their honeymoons at the same hotel, where they were all attended to by adam the bellboy.
The first man married a nurse.
Adam showed them to their room, all the while thinking to himself, "lucky guy! Nurses are known to be hot to trot."
the second man married a telephone operator.
Adam showed them to their room, while thinking to himself, "wow, he's one lucky dude. Telephone operators have such sexy voices and once you pop that top button.. Va-voom."
the third man married a school teacher.
Adam showed them to their room and thought to himself, "poor sap. She may be pretty, but teachers are way too frigid."
at 5:30 the following morning, adam reported to work. He expected the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute, but was sure the other two wouldn't call until much later in the day.
The phone rang at 6 a.m. And it was the nurse's husband wanting breakfast. Adam took breakfast up to the room and when the husband opened the door, adam stepped back in shock. The man's pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.
"sir, what happened?" asked adam. "you married a nurse."
"son, don't ever marry a nurse," the man sourly replied. "all i heard last night was her nagging voice saying, 'you're not sanitary, you're not sanitary'."
the phone rang again at 6:30 a.m. And this time it was the telephone operator's husband calling for breakfast. Adam took it to the room as quickly as possible. When the man opened the door, adam stepped back in shock. The man's hair was neatly combed and his pajamas nicely pressed.
"what happened?" adam asked with surprise. "telephone operators as supposed to be as sexy as their voices."
"son, don't ever marry a telephone operator," the man groaned. "all i heard last night was her nasal voice saying, 'your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up'."
adam returned to his desk, sure that the teacher's husband would be calling at any moment.
Finally, at 4 p.m., the teacher's husband called for breakfast.
Adam couldn't believe it, but quickly took the breakfast to the couple's room. When the man opened the door, adam stepped back in shock. The man was wearing only a pair of boxers, his hair was a mess, and there were scratches all over his chest, arms and legs.
"my goodness sir, what happened to you?" adam asked, fearing the worst. "did you have a fight?"
the man, grinning from ear to ear, happily replied, "no. Son, when you marry be sure it's to a school teacher. All i heard last night was her sexy, smooth voice saying, 'we're going to do this over, and over, and over again, until we get it right'."
All comments on story or jokes are much appreciated. Winning joke will recieve a gold star