Chapter 2 is good. It's not perfect, but the large amount of direct speech makes up the syntax irregularities. And the changes you did on chapter 1 are great :3
I'll only talk about chapter 3 now because the change is a huge one xD
Quote:
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The deep black water was flowing over my head. My deep blue eyes felt as if they were becoming glazed over with ice. My chest was contacting in an out rapidly as my lungs begged for air. My feet hit the bottom on the lake. It took every last bit of oxygen in my fatiguing body to push of the bottom and rocket my body toward the shore. My body escaped the cold water for a short second(...)
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Wow you overexxagerate xD
My eyes, head, chest, feet -> my body, in the first moment I tought hm a bit repititive but actually I really like it... some really awesome (contentional) Anaphora. Real great!
Also in general the vocabulary has improved a lot, there were actually a couple of words that I had to look up.
Sentence beginnings: (not counting sentences in direct speech, not looking at attributes and articles)
10 nouns
4 personal pronoun
1 conjunction of time (as)
2 gerund (lifting, putting)
5 name/personal pronoun + verb of speaking (I said/...)
1 adverb of place (there) (even tho here not in the meaning of a adverb of place)
(stopped counting on: I was lying next to a warm fire.)
your beginnings became better, now you use way more nouns and you add usually a my, the or a to them to have a little change...
Another way to get change into nouns is to leave the article(a/the)/possesive pronoun (my/his) out and just use an adjective: Pale blue eyes were starring at him. - this works only in special situations tho...
can be way more conjunctions and adverbs...
after, even tho, if...
(already used there and this) 5 minutes later, later, quickly (quickly I ran towards the water) etc...
there is a lot of good sentences tho, just showing what you can further improve
Quote:
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My body escaped the cold water for a short second, only long enough to be kissed by a cool zephyr floating moving the lake. A large splash rippled across the lake as I reentered the water flailing like a fish out of water…
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I totally like that whole paragraph...
kissed by - awesome wording, nice metaphora
cool zephyr floating - da fug? xD I can't even properly translate this... so a zephyr is a west wind? It took me quite a bit research... so zephyrus is a greek god of wind (okay I could've know that, I'm having latin as a major) and in english slang/colloquial/archaic/whatever english you use that for west wind? :3
A large splash rippled across the lake - nice picture, awesome description
as I reentered the water flailing like a fish out of water - awesome metaphora (comparison actually) and idk what to call it but it's great
I really had fun reading this, learnt some new words
And lol I should stop writing i'm just destroying this thread xD
I wanna know how it goes on!
Really great that thing with getting safed and so... awesome base for more