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Originally Posted by Komodo Jones
You said to be evil and you need criticism. I'm not evil but I do offer criticisim and critiques on many sotries. You've entered into an English major's world now. Well I haven't majored yet but that's what I'm studying in college right now...but I digress. However, having said that there are not too many things I can comment on. For the most part, this is well written. I did notice two sentence fragments. One was "The guy." and the other was "Like she controls him." which is near the end of the first chapter.
This is a very minor flaw which isn't really all that important but in general most positive numbers below the number ten need to be spelled out. There are many variations to this numeral vs. word rule, but that's the one I generally adhere to.
This is the biggest flaw I have seen in this story and this is one of my buttons. The story was very difficult to read because of the quotations. Whenever a new person speaks, it always starts a new paragraph. In the first few sentences it should be...
"What time is it?" I asked groggily.
“9:30am, its time to go” my friend Greg said, in an equally groggy voice.
Then when you speak again or whoever speaks again, if it's not Greg, it has to be a new paragraph. If you put quotations of different people in the same paragraph it's very difficult to read as it's kind of hard to follow that someone new is speaking.
There ar a few other mechanical errors here and there but nothing too big to take away from the story itself. I didn't notice any spelling errors either. The only other thing I can suggest is adding a little more detail to the story. For example, what was the name of the book you were reading? Just don't be afraid to add some details that appeal to the senses.
I can't really say anything about the content at this point as the story has just begun and I can't sense a plot yet. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, I'm just saying I can't comment on it.
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I just realized, I only did half ur advice. Oh well. It was good advice, but im lazy.
And im sry im such a dick