Taking a second break after breaking a seal
I'm ashamed of the next part but it's part of my life and I promised that this diary is about myself.
During my training I also played with some kinks I would consider a dislike or even a limit. But I wanted to improve myself and become a better pet by doing such stuff. Because if I never had tried something new I would still be the shy girl that was afraid to touch herself. Also I always loved to push myself but sometimes I don't realize that I push myself too much.
In 2021 I got caught myself in a circle of self-humiliation and heavy degradation.
Well, I thought it was a circle. Looking back now and from a different point of view I realize that it was more like a spiral facing downwards.
You have to know that during that time Master had several huge projects on his hand and he didn't have much time for a private life, also he was abroad for several weeks, came home for few days before he was gone for another month or two.
Of course we chatted almost every day, but now it was Mistress turn to train me. I knew already that she had a huge pee-fetish while I'm not a big fan of pee-play. Of course I was doing my business in front of my owners or got peed on as punishment when I had an orgasm without permission - as long as it stayed below my neck it was fine for me. I would have never thought about something like having pee in my hair / on my face or even drink it. That was a huge NO for me. But for some reason I wanted to give it a try. So to her delight I offered myself so she could live out her kink.
She peed on me on every occasion and after a while I let her pee on my head and a bit later I took a sip of her pee.
It was bitter and disgusting but also it felt like a seal was broken so she kept peeing on my face and in my mouth. I was disgusted but the humiliation made me incredibly horny at the same time. She made me her personally urinal and I let her.
Much later she told us that she peed on some of her former partners too, but couldn't take them serious afterwards anymore. That's why she love being in our relationship, she has someone who she have sex with and she can respect and someone who lets her pee on them.
So I started to behave like a “toilet slave” instead of a pet. It was not that I enjoyed being peed on, I craved the humiliation and at some point I “punished” myself with my own piss for the simple reason because I had to pee. It was not even made me horny anymore, I just wanted to devaluate myself. Instead of squatting in the shower I laid in the bathtub so I could “marinate” in my own piss. Or I drank plenty of water so I had to pee a lot and filled my piss-bucked. Then I went in the roof garden, poured it over myself and waited until it dried. If I made a leak on the floor I had to lick them up. I cleaned Mistress pussy with my tongue after the went to the bathroom and I think she really liked that. But I even started to fill my ass and cunt with piss. If I didn't have to go out I didn't clean myself because I deserved to show what a dirty low-life I became.
I also began penetrating my pee hole and started to stretch it until I could fit the lower part of a ballpoint pen in it.
Also I didn't educate myself anymore.
You know, in Masters company they held a celebration every year and I have always been his “plus one”. But from someone like my Master you expect a witty interlocutor instead of a dumb bimbo. I didn't even realized that I became less than a bimbo, I became a toilet.
Much later, as Master was almost finished with the project and had much more time for us again we were watching TV. After a while he excused himself to the bathroom. I just squatted in front of him and offered myself as his urinal.
He looked at me, disgusted and very tired. I think I crossed a line there.
I was told to get up and sit at the table and he asked Mistress to do as well.
He asked me what was the matter with me and because I didn't understand he explained to me that I behave more like a toilet and not like his beloved pet. He asked me about few things that where in the news for several weeks and because I couldn't give a proper answer he got very upset. He asked me if I realize what I'm doing to myself and how he started to see me because that's absolutely not the behaviour he was expecting from the woman he sees his future with. He want the smart woman back that he fell in love with and it's okay if I want to be a pet and not an urinal. Even Mistress got scolded (the first and only time in front of me) why she didn't put a stop to this.
I'm absolutely embarrassed when I think about that time now and all the dirty stuff I did to myself, which made my Master angry and sad.
Master admitted that he made some mistakes too, but I don't blame him because he had really much work to do that time.
So we [Master, Mistress and I] sat together and decided to have a break from the whole ownership-play. Master called a “mental reboot”. He said that it is okay to push myself - but it's not about pushing myself as hard as I can, it's about pushing myself in the right direction. He told me that all obligations were lifted and I'm not his pet anymore. He removed my collar and then grabbed my credit cards and give them back to me. At first I thought he was kicking me out, but it was to have my freedom back.
Afterwards Master and me took a long shower. He washed me and then went down on me to lick me to orgasm. In bed we even tried to deflower me but ended that he fucked my ass instead (stupid septate hymen). Not a mindless rutting but passionate love making because he wanted to show how much he still wants me despite I behaved like a dirty toilet.
We did a lot of stuff together then, having nice long walks, going to the cinema or in a museum. Everything you do as a “regular” couple and we got to “know” each other again. It kinda was like we were having “first dates” again. Except this time we were three because Mistress moved in in 2019 (I forgot to mention that, sorry). Even she “turned back” into my BFF from childhood. I could see (and later she told me) was not easy for her that suddenly I became equal to her again - but I would say that she managed pretty well
So mostly we did all the stuff together as a “menage a trois”, but several times we did something without Mistress.
One day he simply handed me a backpack, “dragged” me into the car and we went camping.
Of course we talked a lot, as equals. But also discussed my (future) submission and what we expect from each other.
It was really good for my mental health and I discovered a lot about myself. Even the relationship with my mother improved significantly.
But two things we kept doing:
1) I didn't wear any underwear, for the simple reason that I don't had any anymore because I donated them the year prior.
I'm three years without underwear now and I absolutely don't miss it. I never filled A-cup bras completely, there was always a light gap and it looked strange under shirts. And when Master and I attend a formal business event which “forces” me to wear panties I feel uncomfortable. Woman with (long) pubic hair can relate that every now and than somehow a few hairs get stuck or sneak between your labia and make you feel uneasy. So I put them on as late as possible and get rid of them at first chance. You could say I hate wearing underwear
.
2) I kept wearing my collar.
When Master took it away I not just felt really uncomfortable, I felt exposed. It was unbearable because I had worn this collar for several years now and sometimes it had been the only thing I wore at all for several days.
I didn't sleep well the first nights and rolled around a lot and, according to Master, I was touching my neck like I was searching for my collar. Same happened the next days, I grabbed my neck several times because it just felt wrong not not being collared and every time I saw my reflection somewhere I winced, because I thought that I forgot it.
With my clothes it was similar, but in the opposite way. I got so used to undress as soon as I entered the penthouse that when I came home I put my keys in the bowl, removed my shoes and began to undress. Muscle memory is really something interesting
The first days it felt really strange (almost wrong) walking fully dressed though this rooms.
After few days Master realized how uncomfortable I felt without something around my neck, so he gave me my collar back. He didn't want to go “cold turkey” and also because he wanted to keep me as his pet. But during that time it was more an accessory and not a sign of ownership, at least for them.
But about six months later I realized that this live was too “vanilla” for me. Don't get me wrong, it was nice but not what I desire.
So one day Master, Mistress and I stood in the vestibule. I think I was playing with the ring of my collar and while we looked at each other it felt like we knew each others thought. Master then pulled my shirt up and after I was undressed he turned me so I could look at myself in the mirror. I was shivering as I slowly went down on all fours and it felt not just right, it felt natural. I realized that this is what I want to be, that I don't want a “normal” live. Someone like me belongs on a leash and I need to be collared. As I looked up to him and our eyes met we both smiled and nod. I think it was the first time he really understood that I'm not just
playing his pet but really am his pet. And that won't change anymore. It's my nature, my true self. It may be sound weird but I'm a proud woman. I'm proud of what I am, I'm proud to be a sub and I'm especially proud to be Masters pet.
But even I was already tamed and mostly trained I had to learn more after my “mental reboot”.
In the “early days” of our ownership-play I often walked on two legs when it was easier (when cooking or cleaning) or generally behaved more like a slave or servant for Master and Mistress. Of course we had some “guidelines” before but know we put up some rules and they are very specific. Now it's crystal clear that I'm a pet, namely a dog and have to behave as such. Also it's stated that I'm the sole property of my Master and to him alone.
Of course I have to respect Mistress as well but she's not having unlimited power over me or when it comes to punishments she can't take measurements in her own hands anymore. I think we really benefit having this specific rules now, even they were hard to learn for me
So, that was really the most humiliating thing I did. But in the end and with help and guidance from my Owners it helped me a lot to understand what I want to be. Also it feels good to turn of one of my limits into at least just a disliking.
But as I said, a seal was broken.
Some of the stuff I did during the time of self-degrading and humiliating myself can now done to me, but it's strictly used as a punishment. Then I'll get piss-enemas (my own and from my Owners) instead of regular ones with water, for lighter punishments I'll still get peed on below the neck while for heavy punishments I get it all over my body including face and hair. The hardest punishment for me is drinking piss - thank god it's quite rare. But even it's limited to the amount of a shotglass I despite it. That I have to give a toast to my Owners in which I thank them for it made it even worse.
And every time I remember what I had done to myself, so it feels way more demeaning than before.