[Haunted]

Since you're not a beginner:

Try to make an honest and thorough estimate of your sex life. Come up with a close enough number to 1 - all the times you had vaginal sex in your life and 2 - all the times you had anal sex in your life.

Now, with a wooden spoon (added bonus if you cover it with sandpaper) beat the shit of your pussy. One wack for every time you had vaginal sex (put strength in your blows).

At the same time you'll grab every pencil in the house and buy some more if needed. You'll insert one pencil up your ass for every time you had anal sex in your life.

It'll go like this: One wack, one pencil, one wack, one pencil. When done, grab the largest cucumber you can find (coat it with hot sauce if you dare) and fuck yourself to orgasm. Only then, you can take off the pencils.

Report back to me.