I have to concurr, I see potential in the story, but there seems to be an absent lack of any grammar whatsoever. -.-
"15 year old Jake he was an average student with good grades and all that. There was one girl he did love her name was Alison now she was a well fit,she was 5'8,also she had long blond hair,and she was an athletic girl who liked Jake."
Try:
"Jake was an average fifteen year old. He was a middle of the road teenager, his grades nothing exceptional, but there was something odd about him. Jake knew a beautiful girl, Alison. He had known her for a while, but each day he was around her felt like something new to him. Alison was athletic, she had long, gorgeous chestnut brown hair, and stood up to Jake, claiming she was "far taller" than him, although realistically only being an inch or so taller than him, at a towering five foot, eight inches."
Pros:
It's longer.
It's grammatically correct (AFAIK).
It's got more info presented in a much more even way.
Cons:
It takes more effort and time to write.
It requires multiple redrafts to get sentence balance perfect.
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