[sarahsarah]

Chapter 22

Only a few minutes later Mia was lying on her bed with tears flowing down her cheeks. Becky was still with Alexis doing things Mia could only imagine, while she sat there alone in her room, no company and no support. All of her worst fears, even the ones she hadn’t completely formed in her mind, had come true in a way worse than even she had thought possible. Steph had dismantled, dismissed and totally rejected her. She had done it with a level of hate and permanence that Mia found impossible to comprehend. It had happened so quickly. The fight had suddenly erupted and their sisterhood had been shredded in mere minutes. Mia felt sick; her head hurt and her body was weak. For a long time, Mia stayed on her bed and cried with complete abandon.

Eventually, she started to calm down a little and some rational faculties returned to her. The hurt still loomed, more acute so that she could at least think, but it was less overwhelming. Mia spent the next moments stewing in self-pity wondering why it was happening to her. After a while, that just seemed childish and unproductive so she tried to move on to something else, trying to figure out how she had arrived at this point.

It seemed from the very beginning, things were destined to turn out the way they had. Mia thought back to when she had first started to pledge the sorority, how angry Steph had been and it seemed from that moment, the story was set in stone. What did Steph honestly expect her to do? Just fold and roll over because she was angry. How would Steph have respected her for doing that and how could Mia even respect herself?

The more Mia considered it, the more she realised that those events may have been too late to begin to consider the situation. It may have been when she decided to pledge the sorority; surely she could have just joined another one. That’s what she contemplated but why did that matter and how Steph could just ban her from the sorority anyway wasn’t right; it didn’t belong to her. If Steph didn’t want her to do it because of the unique aspects of the sorority, why wasn’t she up front with her in the first place? Saying don’t rush was just creating a necessity to rush, bringing it further to the thoughts. What did Steph honestly expect from her?

As Mia contemplated further, she realised that this wasn’t even the right spot to start on these issues either. It had really begun when she decided to go to Steph’s school, a school which didn’t really fit her personality. Mia was more of a fit for a small, liberal arts college and had already worked out earlier in the week that she had only joined this place because Steph had gone and talked it up so much. As she thought further, she came to a realisation that this was probably the original sin of the conflict. Steph was right about at least that one thing, even if she was wrong about almost everything else that had come afterwards, but Mia had to wonder, what was her responsibility here?

The thought of responsibility jarred her from her thoughts and ruminations of fault and respect. What responsibility did she have to her relationships with her sister? What responsibility did Mia have to her self-respect and to her own unique identity as a person? She thought back to the fight with Steph. Her sister had certainly behaved childishly, similar to the fights they
had when they were kids, but Mia knew she wasn’t any better. She had pushed her older sister’s buttons to start with. She walked into that room expecting something bad to happen and she had fuelled the flames. So, now what was she meant to do about it? They weren’t kids anymore and she certainly couldn’t go running to her parents to get them to fix it.

It was now three hours after Mia had stormed out of her sister’s room and she had finally come to a determination. It would be fine if Steph didn’t want to ever speak to her again. Actually, it wasn’t; it would be the most painful thought to ever cross her mind. However, there wasn’t anything that she could do with it. Steph could decide to cut her out of her life whether Mia wanted it or not, but if that was what Steph wanted to do, Mia wanted it to happen on her terms. They were going to do it like adults and be done with it for good.

Mia quickly jumped from her bed and dried her face off with her bath towel. She looked over herself in the mirror to ensure she was at least remotely presentable. Her eyes were clearly puffy and her hair was slightly out of place. She quickly used her hand to comb down her hair and headed from the room. She moved up the stairwell at a rapid pace and came across nobody on her route to the third floor. A minute later she was standing back outside Steph’s door. Her nerved had returned and for a moment she wondered if she was doing the right thing. Only the sound of movement from the stairs made her take action. She couldn’t stand to have someone see her standing out in the corridor, almost in tears, only to turn around and walk away. Mia quickly knocked on the door. For a moment there was nothing so she knocked again.

“Who is it?” Steph’s voice called out. She sounded as if she had been crying as well. Mia’s first thought was good, before wondering if it would be beneficial for what she planned next.
“Your sister,” Mia said in a small voice.
“Amy?” she asked.
“Mia, just please let me in,” Mia replied.
“Christ, I told you to leave,” Steph said through the door.
“Come on, I only have one thing to say,” Mia responded. There was a long pause and Mia wondered what her sister was thinking. She was almost shaking but wasn’t certain why; she just wanted the door open.

“The door is unlocked,” Steph’s voice came back, very small. Mia opened the door slowly and walked inside. It was extremely dark inside the room; all of the lights were off and the blinds were closed. The light from the hallway cast across the bed and Mia saw her sister sitting on the edge, wearing a long night shirt and a deep scowl. She reached over to the lamp by her bed and flicked it on. Mia closed the door behind her.

“Okay… Mia… Say whatever it is you want to say, and then leave,” Steph ordered. It seemed that her mood hadn’t really changed in the few hours apart. Mia took a few steps forward and took in a long deep breath. She crossed her hands in front of her chest, trying in some way to feel comfortable. However it made her feel as if she was trying to hide so she quickly dropped them to her side. Steph stared at her in a way suggesting for Mia to get on with it.

“This is all I wanted to say Steph,” Mia began, before she was completely ready to talk. She took another few moments to compose herself and her thoughts, and then spoke. “Look, we have been fighting with each other for weeks now and I just… and I have been angry with you. However… I am going to take responsibility for what I did. I am certainly at fault for some of this fight. I am going to be totally honest with you now so that when… if we stop speaking, we at least stop speaking with all the facts. I owe it to myself to do this, because I am an adult and I am in control of my life.

“You said I only came to this university because of you, because you went here. You were right,” Mia said and looked at Steph as she raised her head to look back at her younger sister, a little surprised. Mia didn’t pause for long and quickly kept talking, “You came home when you went here, and you just talked about how much you loved it, how great this place was. All I wanted was some of that too. You made it sound so great, and I love you so much that I thought if you love it, I would love it as well. You need to understand that I came here because I wanted to love it for myself and not just to be with you, or to be like you.

“We are sisters; we are similar. The things you like, I will probably like, and that’s just rational. It isn’t me trying to hop on your shoulders or to get in your way. The same thing goes for this sorority; it is the reason that you loved this place so much. How could you talk about it like that and thing that I… No, I don’t want to talk like that, I’m not accusing. I just want to say, that the excitement that you felt for this place radiated from you; I could feel it coming off of you, and it was contagious. If anything, you should be proud that I wanted to join this sisterhood. Your passion was infectious, but it became my passion too. When I started here, I loved it too.

“Wait, no, that isn’t entirely true. You were right about another thing, that when I first started here, I wasn’t ready for it. You were right that I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I have no idea if I would have even stayed here all on my own. The pressure that you gave me… The way you made me feel that I didn’t belong… It drove me on and made me want to stay. I admit that at first, that was the main drive. If you had guided me or come to me like an equal, I may have listened to you. That wasn’t what happened though, and that is my fault as well. But when I am treated like a child, it is going to make me stubborn.

“More importantly, you need to know that once I got here and started to learn about this place and the things that happened here, I learned that I loved it as well. I didn't learn to love to spite you. I didn't learn to love it to make a point. I love it just for me. You hate me for faking, but this is who I am. I can't be anything else and I am allowed to be who I am. I excel here too and you know it. If I was faking it, would I have won that contest yesterday? Would I have jumped completely into this? I found a whole new part of me here that I never knew existed, a better part of me. I like it.

“I don’t just like the sex Steph, though I am an adult and I am allowed to like the sex. I love it here because of the sisterhood, and although that may sound stupid and cliché, it is true. I learned from the sorority about supporting each other, loving each other unconditionally, and I learned about having fun. I saw that sisterhood is about giving advice, guiding and protecting. That is it and I know that you know it. When I saw you talking to and mentoring other pledges you were being all those things that this sorority stands for. So I know, you could be that for me as well. I just don’t know… I don’t understand why you will be a sister for everyone else and not for me.

“All that I ever wanted was to… share the things that we loved. Sharing experiences and lives is what sisterhood is, and that’s what it used to be for us. There is no reason to hate that. I am not saying it idly, I mean to share. Things are different now and this is not like when we were kids. I’m not here to tattle on you like at home, and I am not her to stop you being the person you are. You aren’t just my sister; you are Steph, a woman. I don’t care that you’re a lesbian. No… let me rephrase that. I am proud of you for being a lesbian. I am proud of you and the woman that you have become. I just want you to be proud, and know that I don’t want to take anything from you. I don’t want your sexuality or your friend; I want my own sexuality and my own friends. If they are the same, by chance or genetics or whatever, then can’t that be alright. Is there enough love and happiness in our lives that we can share it?

“You have come here and you’ve grown up. You wanted me to recognise that you are a grown woman, and I did that, but now you need to do the same thing for me. It may be my responsibility to stop being a spoiled, bratty little girl, but it is your responsibility to not treat me like a child. I’m not a child anymore and maybe that is scary for you, but it is scary for me as well. I need you now and I don’t want to do it alone. However, I will if I have to.

“I am here to be me and live my life, but also to let you do the same. I just want those lives we live to be in some way together. I want it, so that when you are living your life to its fullest, for that to also include me. I don’t want to lose you Steph, the real and complete you, for the future, because of our past. We were sisters as kids. We’re now sisters as adults, and I want us to be sisters forever.

“I love you Steph and you will always be my sister. I can’t make you love me… if you truly do hate me. So I just want to say goodbye if that is really what you want. If you want me to leave this sorority, the sorority I love, for you, I will do it. You just needed to know why it is that I would be leaving and why I want to stay.” Mia was out of breath and tears were in her eyes as she finished talking. She knew she was all over the place, hysterical, but she had to say every word that had come to her mind. She hadn’t held anything back.

The room settled into quiet and Steph stared at Mia for several seconds, frozen with her head tilted slightly to the side. There were tears in her eyes as well. She was squinting slightly and looking deeply into Mia’s eyes. Mia couldn’t tell what she was thinking or what might happen next. Steph turned her head downwards and looked at the floor. Mia bowed her head and turned towards the door. She was reaching for the handle when she was stopped in her tracks.

“Amy,” Steph spoke causing Mia to spin back around. Suddenly, she rose from the bed, heading towards her younger sister. Mia recoiled slightly, thinking for a second that Steph was about to strike her. Then, with absolute overwhelming force, Mia felt Steph’s arms wrap around her body. Her breasts pressed against Mia’s as her arms gripped her back. Mia could feel… her love. Mia’s body went limp as her older sister held her up.

“Oh god Amy,” she whispered into Mia’s ear, her voice husky with tears, “I am so, so, sorry. I don’t hate you and I’ve never hated you. I’m sorry I’ve let this go so far.” Steph paused for a minute and breathed deeply. For several seconds, she relaxed in the hug and gathered her thoughts. Mia was stunned and then Steph began to speak again. “Look, when you first came here I was annoyed, but when you joined the sorority I was so scared. I was scared for you, because I didn’t think this place was right for you, and I thought you were still a child. I was scared for me too. I… I wasn’t ready to be out yet.

“This place… it was going to do that. So I tried to scare you away, and when I couldn’t scare you away, it made me angry and resentful. I was furious with Alexis for using you like a pawn in our feud. I was annoyed with the other girls in the sorority for not recognising what a strange… situation this was, and I was mad at me, because I couldn’t protect you.” Mia couldn’t believe what she was hearing. She was too shocked to move or even think, but Steph was still talking, so she just stood there, motionless, and listened to her.

“I let all the anger go towards you, because I needed this sorority and I needed my friends here. So I pushed all my hate onto you, because we are family and I knew that I could never lose family. As time went on, I started to really resent you. I resented you for putting me in this situation, for acting just like a child, without any thought about my life and how difficult you were making it. Then, suddenly, it wasn’t just a fight anymore. It was… it was me actually doing what I didn’t think possible: losing you as my sister. That made me even angrier and I couldn’t stop it.

“I cannot believe I said that I hate you. I know I said it, but Amy, baby sister, you need to know that I have hated myself every second since you left for saying it. I hated the situation, the feeling of being helpless, but I said I hated you. I didn’t want you to come back in because I was scared I would say it again and I didn’t want to. I wanted to fix it, because I am the older sister and that is my job, but I couldn’t humble myself to do it. I didn’t want you to see how weak I am because I am… you know, the older sister. Then you walked back in here and you talked. You talked like the adult I am supposed to be. You gave me a second chance to say I’m sorry. Amy, please forgive me. I am sorry.”

Mia was more and more stunned as each word poured out of her sister’s mouth. Not in a million years had she expected this. She had completely misread the situation and the emotions involved. What would be more sisterly than a misunderstanding she thought and couldn’t help but laugh awkwardly. In her mind she knew she should still be annoyed at her sister, but hearing all of these things wiped away any logical thinking like that. Her body had overflowed with a love for her.

“Steph, I love you, if you can forgive me, I forgive you,” Mia said. Steph loosened the hug and pushed Mia back with her arms so that she could look into her eyes. Steph looked sad, like it had pained her to hear Mia say that.
“Amy… Mia. You don’t have to apologise for growing up or for being the woman that you are. I just wish I wasn’t so blind, that I had seen it before you came in here and laid it all out. I can only say that I was scared, but that doesn’t make it okay. I was insecure in myself and nervous you would see it, and I blamed you for it,” Steph said. Her eyes dropped briefly and her shoulders shuddered.
“I’m proud of you Steph. I would never stop you from living your life or loving the people you love. I will always support you. You’re my sister.” Steph looked back up smiling.
“I should have been supporting you all along. I made this so hard on you. If someone had been pushing me back when I first started here, I probably would have quit. I got to feel like I belonged here from the first day, and I’m sorry I took that from you.”

“Having a tough older sister all my life had made me tough,” Mia said, smiling. Steph smiled back at her and wiped a tear away from her eye.
“I am so proud of you little sister. I love you so much Mia,” Steph said, shaking her head and then looking at Mia.
“I love you Steph.” Mia looked back into her sister’s deep brown eyes.

Mia was suddenly bowled over by an incomprehensible mass of emotions and impulses. Something felt unbelievably strange, so bizarre and nonsensical, but she felt that she needed to do something to solidify this moment, to make both of them know it had been a big mistake to fight and that their love, their sister’s love, would really be able to last forever. She needed something to seal their adult relationship, to bridge the gap between their childhood and a future as friends.

Without thinking, Mia started to lean forward, closing her eyes. An intense sense of anticipation rose up from her knees, sending fluttering sensations through the entirety of her body. She felt Steph’s body tense as well, as her bare breasts pressed against her sister’s t-shirt, against the breasts through the fabric. She could feel the heat coming off her sister’s body; she could smell the perfumed scent of her skin.

Still without any thought about what she was doing, Mia felt her lips press against her sister’s soft, pillow lips, sinking into the soft flesh. For a moment, their lips were just pressed together, Mia’s hands clasped over her sister’s forearms. She felt herself melt into Steph’s kiss, her knees becoming weak. Steph held her up, letting Mia lean into her. Mia could feel the passion and the affection Steph had for her as it pulsed through her beautiful, soft lips. Mia wasn’t sure why what happened next happened. Sometimes, when there is a good reason Sister’s may kiss on the lips. It was entirely possible that they would just have a short, sisterly kiss to end the fight.

Mia thought for a moment, just a moment, about emotions that had flown between her and Steph during the previous week. Below the surface of the anger had been something far less understandable and even more terrifying. Small glances, inappropriate thought, and intense confusion had plagued her. Now, these confusing feelings were coming to a head in such a time and place that they could not be controlled. It may have been due to the intensity of the fight, one that had nearly torn them apart, that needed an equally intense reconciliation. It may have been the sexual atmosphere that surrounded the fight. It may have been the week of unrelenting erotic excitement that was harder to turn off than one could expect. It may have just been that she always thought that Steph was a beautiful girl, and now a beautiful woman.

Whatever it was, their lips refused to pull apart and Mia’s body reacted to the energy. Her lips quivered slightly and her heart rate sky rocketed. She felt her nipples harder in the warm attic bedroom and the area between her legs began to grow wet and tingle. Her legs felt like jelly and it wasn’t even just her body responding. She had a concrete thought that she wanted to have her sister, to express her love for her in the most intimate way possible. She wanted to show Steph that she embraced every part of her, including her sexuality. She needed for Steph to know that she had made the values of the sorority part of their relationship: support, affection, and sensuality.

Mia was given absolute confirmation that Steph felt the same way. Her sister’s lips parted slightly so Mia did the same. She felt the hot, wet warmth of Steph’s tongue as it slid across, grazing the corner of her lip. Mia was slightly more aggressive, letting her thick, soft tongue slide into Steph’s mouth, licking across her sister’s wet tongue. Steph’s mouth opened wider and Mia let her tongue spill fully into the opposite mouth. She felt Steph’s rough, sweet tasting tongue press against her own. Then Steph pushed back, driving her tongue back into Mia’s mouth. The mouths now opened and closed in unison as the two snakes danced and entwined, deeply exploring each other’s mouths.

Any thought that would question what Mia was doing was instantly banished from mind. She was no longer capable of critical thinking or self control; she just needed to feel pleasure and give it to her sister. Based on the forceful way that Steph’s tongue lapped at the inside of her moth, it was clear that she agreed. This wasn’t going to stop; they couldn’t stop it. It had to play out in its entirety.

While they were kissing, Mia became aware of Steph’s hands working over her body. First she felt Steph’s fingers trailing up and down her body from her hips up to just below her breasts. Her fingers traced lines of fire across the skin and sent shivers down Mia’s spine. After a few gentle strokes, Steph moved her palms to the skin, leaving hot sensitive mould against her skin and belly. Mia moaned opening her mouth and tilting her head back. Steph took the opportunity to dip her tongue deeper into Mia’s mouth, tasting deeper. Mia gagged on her sister’s tongue.
Her tongue slipped partially back up out of Mia’s throat. Mia’s mouth was now thick of saliva and Steph actually sucked some up into her mouth, drinking it down while going back to kiss again. It was the dirtiest thing Mia have ever been a part of and for some reason, it drove her absolutely wild. She needed to push further, and see how deep she could take this.

Mia moved her hands up and grabbed Steph’s wrists. She lifted the hands off her body and placed them flat, gently against her breasts. Mia released Steph’s wrists with the palms directly on her nipples. Mia felt a sensation running through her body, her nipples a conduit to every nerve and synapse. Slowly, Steph started to circle her palms. Mia gasped around the tongue in her mouth, the sensations going into overload. As Steph’s hands grasped around her breast she felt as if she could barely breathe. The feeling was so intense, as if discovering a new form of pleasure, almost spiritual. For several minutes, Steph kissed deeply and squeezed firm with the soft palms. Mia’s nipples ached for the touch. Steph’s tongue continued to roll in her mouth and Mia didn’t think she’d ever been so aroused in her life.

Finally, Steph broke the kiss, pulling away and looking into Mia’s eyes. Mia felt dazed and smiled at her. “Amy, let me make it up to you. I know how to make you feel good; I’ve been practicing for three years. Let me show you how much I love you.” Her eyes were intense and voice quavered with excitement. She was in the same fog as Mia was with her body taken over. Part of Mia wanted to stop now. It would be awkward, but not too weird if they stopped now, but she couldn’t.

“Show me Steph,” Mia begged.