[interesting]

Twice in one day, then once again in the morning. We slept in the same room.

The first time in the afternoon was wild, passionate. The love-making of two people who were very close but lost themselves for several years. The second one, in the evening, after a conference, a dinner and another conference, was more intimate, loving. In the first bout, we changed positions every few minutes. For the second, she was on her back, in her bed, her legs wide, wrapped around me, while I swayed back and forth, reveling in the intimacy. It didn't last nearly as long but it was extremely fulfilling.

I got up before her and headed to the bathroom. When I returned to the room, she was awake, the linen off her naked body, gently stroking her sides. It was tender. We kissed quite a lot; my mouth wandered all over her body, down to between her legs, and I pleasured her with tongue and finger, and she came. She pushed me to my back, gobbled me up for a minute or so and then sat on top of me and rode herself to ecstasy again. Then, she went on all fours (my favorite position) and I ended it inside her once more.

And then...

"...I can't believe it."

I turned to Kim as we both lay naked in the bed, quite content in our affair.

"What, specifically?" I asked.
"All of this... you, me... hooking up after four years..."
"It is nice."
"Unexpected. Nice, yes..."

I looked into her eyes and I saw the same emotion from all those years ago. The love was still there. Distance and absence did not diminish its trace and I must admit to sharing some of the same emotions. In my case, they were conflicted, because when I looked past her, I saw Sarah. And I loved Sarah too. This adventure was just that, an adventure after all, but it did make me feel warm and connected - something which I had not recently felt with Sarah.

"...why didn't we stay in touch?" Kim asked.
"Maybe... maybe because we were afraid it would hurt too much."
"Maybe."

It didn't hurt now, but I sensed it would. This evening, I would be on the plane back to San Francisco, and she would still be here, somewhere in Seattle. Her current home. Part of me wanted to stay here, but I couldn't.

"It's a shame it's just for the weekend," she whispered, perfectly echoing my sentiment. "I could get used to this again..."

She smiled at me, a hint of mischievousness on her lips.

"Of course, I could always visit you down in San Francisco..."

My face instantly betrayed my uncertainty, and I saw hers change as well, from snarkiness to concern.

"What's wrong? Don't you want me to visit you in San Francisco?"
"I... it's complicated."

Few words can have the effect mine did on her. Her smile instantly disappeared, and the reflex to cover herself from me took over. She didn't get off the bed, but she did roll slightly away, her nudity lost to me.

"What's complicated? We had fun, I'd like more... I'm willing to pay for the trip... I'm willing to see if this can take us somewhere... You're not?"
"Well..."
"For fuck's sake, James, we just had sex three times in a row! It was fucking amazing! Don't tell me that doesn't mean something to you!... because it means a hell of a lot to me."

My mind was racing with ideas of what to say, but nothing came to mind. The words just remained stuck somewhere in limbo, outside of my ability to use them. I just stared at her as she ranted on, visibly frustrated by my lack of reaction, even though she was trying to keep things civil.

"...look, James, I'm spilling my guts here. The least you could do is acknowledge me."

I couldn't say it. I couldn't tell her. Yes, I wanted her to come back with me. Yes, I wanted more of her. But the words wouldn't escape my lips. I kept seeing the shadow of Sarah cast against the wall, dominating my will.

"...uh...I'm... uh well... uh.."
"Mumbling? You never mumbled before."

Her hard gaze softened, and she started looking concerned for me.

"What's wrong?"
"It's just... my situation in San Francisco is... I..."
"Is there someone?"

Of course there was, but I couldn't tell her. I didn't need to. Kimmie was always good at reading me. Her face betrayed the comprehension.

"There is... oh my God, no..."

That was when she stepped off the bed, pulling the sheet across her body to keep hiding her nudity, pulling away from me, almost to the window of the hotel.

"Fuck no!"

Her tone was angry, and she turned back to me after looking away for a moment.

"You cheated on her with me..."
"No! No, I didn't!"

Why was it that it was at that moment I decided to speak up? I got up, attempting to follow her, but she stepped away so I didn't press on. She maneuvered around the bed to keep some distance from me. She was clearly stunned by the revelation.

"But there is someone!"
"...yes."
"And you still slept with me?"
"Yes. But..."
"But what?"

Her eyes were ablaze with confusion and anger, and I could scarcely blame her. I felt a similar kind of haze blocking my thoughts, rendering me powerless to argue with her, unable to present my case in a coherent logical way. In hindsight, perhaps it was because none of it was logical, not anymore. She still waited for me to reply this time, and so I told her the truth.

"She... told me to do it."
"What?"
"Sarah... my... girlfriend in San Francisco..."
"I knew it! Sonnuva..."
""...she told me to do it. She told me to sleep with you if I wanted to."

There was a long moment of silence as Kimmie looked away. Her next sentence was only slightly louder than a whisper.

"Who the fuck would ask her boyfriend to do something like this...?"

I knew she didn't believe me. My first instinct was to call Sarah, to get her to corroborate my claim, but that didn't seem like it would change anything. And I was suddenly mad at Sarah, but I couldn't focus on that. Kimmie had all my attention.

"Dammit James! I thought... we were reconnecting, maybe..."

The disappointment was palpable in her voice and it hurt me. I could only imagine how she was feeling.

"We were. We are," I tried to reassure her.
"No we're not! You have a girlfriend in San Francisco and... you wanted a girlfriend in Seattle. Two-timing jerk!"
"I told you she told me to do it!"
"And you have no control over your own dick? You just follow along with what she says - supposing I buy your shit?"
"I..."

What could I say? She was right. I had completely played along with Sarah's suggestion, never once considering the impact this might have on Kimmie, a former love, someone who actually cared about me - perhaps someone I still deeply cared about. And then, I started to wonder if Sarah could have known all along this would happen? But that seemed unlikely. After all, how could she anticipate Kimmie's reactions? She knew her only from my stories of her.

"You need to call her, get your act together. And I... I need to go."

I could sense Kimmie was holding back tears. She had actually started falling back into love with me, allowing the defenses built by the distance to erode, and I had shattered that feeling completely. I was a bastard, I realized. I wandered towards the bed, sitting down on the edge, staring blindly at the wall. I heard the shuffling of clothing as Kimmie started getting dressed.

"I am so sorry, Kim," I said, hoping to sound sincere. "I... I'm a moron."
"Yes you are..."

A long pause slithered in. It took Kimmie's strength to break. The violence in her voice had mostly died down, and there was something else there. Something sincere and kind.

"Listen James... Jim."

She came back towards me, kneeling in front of me. Her bra and panties were back on, and she was holding her pants in her arms. She didn't let me look away, forcing my sight towards her.

"I think... you need help," she told me.
"I think I do..."

I could sense her sympathy for me, but I didn't really want it. I wanted her rage, her anger. It felt much easier to deal with. But I said nothing, also not wanting to aggravate my case. I still cared deeply for her.

"Promise me one thing, Jim."
"Anything."
"Don't... stick with a girl that's just gonna boss you around. You're better than that."

I think it was at that specific moment that I knew, for a fact, what was going to happen as soon as I got back from Seattle. Perhaps Sarah had already known. Perhaps it was why she had acted this way, encouraging me to indulge, pushing me away. I should have said other things to Kimmie, but I was lost in my own private little hell, and she didn't belong there at that time.