[sadisticmastert]

honest feedback is: the idea seems appealing, so you may want to continue that story. However, you want to write longer parts alltogether - asking for comments after writing just a small part of the story is not that interesting. you may want to check on the grammar and spelling too.

eg "In my mind im was thinking hell yeah three amazingly hot girls were looking at me" is a lot nicer and easier to read if you update that to the proper formatting
"In my mind I was thinking: "Hell yeah, three amazingly hot girls were looking at me""