[interesting]

The fire crackled gently in the backwoods behind Paul and Danielle's house. The marshmallows were roasting to everyone's idea of perfection. I enjoyed mine with the outside completely darkened and the inside all melty. Paul seemed to prefer leaving his to simply brown and then eating it in one bite. Rita favored holding it for a few seconds directly into the flame so the skin burnt quickly; she would eat it, then put the remaining section back into the flame and repeat the experience. Finally, Danielle kept hers over the flame, letting it heat slowly and melt gently.

The game was afoot. I didn't expect much of it, just like I didn't expect much from anything involving Danielle, and now her friend Rita. The game, truth-or-truth (why did you need to mention it twice), was simply an excuse to pass the time, a way to bridge the gap of years between the older male teens and the younger female teens. It provided an outlet for conversation without having to reflect too much on it.

It was argued that Danielle, being the youngest but not by much, would ask her question first. We would all take turns answering, in order from the youngest to the oldest. Rita would therefore answer first, then Paul and finally me. I was one year older than Paul, after all - it was easy to disregard since we didn't go to the same school anymore.

"What is the one item you miss from your childhood the most?"

I was relieved; I looked at Paul and he seemed to be experiencing the same feeling. Rita was already pondering her answer.

"Hmmm... I have to say my favorite blanket. It's all torn now, so I can't use it, but I used to carry it around everywhere."

She giggled as she spoke; her candor was refreshing. Perhaps she was hoping Paul and I were mature enough not to laugh at her for admitting to the existence of a security blanket. She was right, of course.

Paul answered quickly.

"I had an electronic keyboard, not a real one, a toy one. I drove my parents crazy playing it all the time, until I broke it."

It was my turn. I didn't really recall that many toys or items from my childhood. It was hard for me to recollect that far. I remembered something about a sweater I wore, but it didn't fit. Actually, only one item came to mind - I hoped it would do the trick.

"In the woods, beside the school, there was this huge rock... remember Paul?"
"Sure..."
"I miss it. It was our fort, our headquarters, another planet... we used to build whole stories around that rock. It was a recharge station, where we switched characters during our games..."

Paul was recollecting along with me. I knew that Danielle and Rita probably knew the rock I was talking about - roughly two metres in length, height of about three feet.

"We used to own that rock!"

Paul and I laughed. Danielle waited for it to die down before providing an answer to her own question.

"Dolly. She was my favorite doll. We lost it sometime. I don't know what happened to it. She was sweet, had blonde hair and rosy cheeks. I don't know, I just can't imagine anything else."

The mood was cordial and sweet. It made me blush to hear Danielle talk about a childhood memory with such fondness. Danielle noticed and smiled at me.

Rita took her time eating her marshmallow before hitting us with her own interrogation.

"Have you ever had a secret crush?"

I wasn't entirely surprised by the question, given what both Paul and I suspected about Rita's reasons for hanging out with us. Paul answered first.

"Yes."

His simple answer left Rita and myself wanting for more; then again, I probably knew the girl Paul was referring to. Seeing that Paul wasn't volunteering any additional information, I took it upon myself to answer in turn.

"Yes, several times. I can tell you about one... Paul knows about this one. Mary. She was in the same grade as I was. She was cute and blonde, and I was totally in awe of her... but then, I moved away, so I never had a chance to tell her. And it's been, what... five years? Six? How about you Danielle?"

My comment directed at her was actually intended to see if she would blush, and she did. I decided that it did not necessarily have anything to do with me. Danielle answered in the affirmative as well, and wondered for a moment if she should provide more detail.

"Let's just say... yes, once or twice. But nothing much, just guys I'd like to date, maybe. Nothing special."

Rita seemed to be in on Danielle's secret, but of course she wouldn't tell us. Neither Paul nor I minded. Rita then gave the answer to her own question.

"Yes. In fact, I have one right now."

Danielle snickered at her. Paul and I looked at each other; she wasn't nearly as shrewd as she imagined she was, but we stayed quiet on the matter. Why state the obvious and create a moment of tension? Better to leave things as they were, floating in the ether of uncertainty.

Paul's question then took me a little by surprise.

"What is your greatest belief? What do you believe in that's bigger than yourself, if anything?"

I had not imagined Paul as such a spiritual fellow. Truth be told, ever since I had moved away, the connection I felt to Paul had started to erode. We were still able to finish each other's ideas, but it didn't flow as neatly as before. This was another moment where I felt the connection dwindling. It was still my turn to speak, so I pondered.

"Well, I don't know about Church, but God... yeah. I believe in a God, though I'm not sure which one. I believe that there's some overriding principle to the universe, something that can explain all of creation... but I don't believe in heaven, hell, angels or demons, or any of that stuff. So... God, yes. The rest, I think, is made up by men."

I hoped my answer made sense to the girls. They were younger than me and I didn't know how involved into their own spirituality they could be. Danielle spoke after me, surprising me with the depth of her answer.

"The way I see it, if there's a God, well... he's not very good at his job. I mean... with all that goes on in the world, I have a hard time believing that, well, it's all part of a plan. I don't believe in a greater power... well... nothing like anything that has been taught to us anyway."
"I have to agree with Danielle."

Rita picked up the dialogue with her own answer. She turned towards Danielle as she spoke, creating the discourse with her.

"I mean, there's murder, and violence, and divorce, and child pornography, and all sorts of nasty things... I mean, if God is really all that powerful and good, why does he let these things happen?"
"Yeah, shouldn't he do something to help us? I don't buy into that - it's so you can get stronger."
"Yeah... and the religious guy at school says it's because we have free will. Well, if that's what free will does, it's pretty bad."
"And then one religion says one goes to hell, and the other says the same, so since at least one is right, then they're all wrong..."

I cut in.

"You've talked about this before."
"Oh yeah!"

Danielle giggled. We all turned to Paul. He had been paying close attention to what the girls were saying.

"Well, like you said, I don't believe in God as he was taught to us. But there's a greater power, in nature, in the world around us, that makes us better - and we can use that power for ourselves, for our children and for our world. I say nature is the greater power."

This could have sparked a very heated debate, but I decided to move on to my own question. I wanted to find something to try to trap Danielle or Rita, but I didn't want my trap to appear too obvious. I knew I had to get into relationships, or dating.

"What are the features you look for in someone when you consider dating them?"

I hoped my question would be well received. Danielle, the first to answer, seemed to give it much thought.

"Well... he has to be fun to be around, and he has to like doing the same things as me."
"Like?"
"Swimming, biking, going into the woods... simple stuff. I don't want someone lazy, I look for someone active."
"What about physical features?"
"Not too tall, because I'm small. Hair whatever, I like green eyes. He has to dress cool."

Rita was nodding all along, so I turned to her.

"Are you agreeing with Danielle?"
"Absolutely. He has to be cute too, but not too cute that every girl is after him."
"Yeah."

The girls giggled again; I liked hearing them laugh. It sounded innocent; it made me forget my sometimes irresponsible thoughts about them. Rita motioned to Paul.

"I like a girl who's into music a lot, and games. But music mostly. And good music, not crap like rap or old music."

I couldn't contain my laughter but Paul ignored it.

"I like brown hair, long. Not too tall, not taller than me anyway. And, huh, I like if she's sexy. Frank?"

My question. My answer. I had an opportunity to reach out to Danielle and share with some of the qualities I liked in her. But was it even appropriate? Why couldn't I remain with her image of innocence? The desire wasn't all that bad in itself, but it kept rearing its unwanted head. I was seeing her already much older, what she could become instead of what she was. Perhaps that was the essence of my problem. I wasn't in love with Danielle at all; I was simply infatuated with a perceived image of us together in the long run.

"Well?"

Paul's insistence forced me to answer.

"Well, I want someone who likes stories. Stories are my life, I need someone with whom I can share my stories. I want the girl to be pretty... not too pretty as Rita and Danielle said. I like long hair too. Beyond that... it's hard to say."
"It was your question."
"Yeah... dumb question, eh?"
"I don't think it was dumb."

Danielle's comment returned the smile to my face. It was time I started letting go of the image of an adult Danielle and started appreciating the relative innocence that she was showing me at the moment. I may have been a late teen, but a part of me wanted to reconnect with her innocence, with that moment of youth when the transition between ignorance and understanding becomes blurry. That was where I felt she was. I wanted to recapture it - and perhaps, with her help, I could manage to, somehow.

We had gone around once. No one had backed down from an answer - as I had suspected. We all felt at ease with each other. More questions were soon to come, but we simply remained quiet for a long minute, staring into the flames, dancing into the forest, as daylight receded and gave way to the stillness of the night.