Funny Jokes!
 

I haven't seen a thread like this before so I hope it's new.

We could all use a laugh every once in a while so let's start filling this thread with a whole bunch of really funny jokes!

By the way, you CAN'T post twice in a row! You have to wait until someone posts after you and then you can post another joke.

P.S. MODS-- If this is in the wrong spot or there is all ready one like this, could you please trash/move this thread? THANKS!! :)


I'll start.

Q: What's the difference between drunk and an alcoholic?
A: A drunk doesn't have to go to those stupid meetings.

A man walked into a bar with a duck on his head and asked the bartender if he could have a beer.

The bartender said you will have to leave because we cant have that in the bar or we will get in trouble with the health inspector.

Just then the duck spoke and said to the bartender

"It,s not my fault its here i woke up this morning and it was growing out of my ass"

I went to the zoo the other day. There was only one dog in it...it was a shitzu.

One day a brunette, a redhead and a blonde decide to go through their daughter's purses.

So, the brunette goes through her daughter's purse and finds cigarettes. She says, "Oh my god, I'm so ashamed! My Daughter smokes."

So, the redhead goes through her daughter's purse and finds an empty can of beer. She says, "Oh my god I'm so ashamed! My daughter drinks."

So, finally, it's the blondes turn and she finds a used condom. She says, "Oh my god I'm so ashamed! My daughter has a penis."

One fine morning in Eden, God was looking for Adam and Eve, but couldn't find them. Later in the day God saw Adam and asked where he and Eve were earlier. Adam said, "This morning Eve and I made love for the first time."

God said, "Adam, you have sinned. I knew this would happen. Where is Eve now?"

Adam replied, "She's down at the river, washing herself out."

"Damn," says God, "now all the fish will smell funny."

A man walks into a bar. He sees a good looking woman sitting on a bar stool. He walks up behind her and says: "Hi there good looking, how's it going?"
"How about coming back to my place tonight".

She turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen, I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat out love it." He says: "No kidding?, I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"

puppy dog, you posted twice in a row! :eek: lol

Here's mine:

"I've got trouble with the wife again" said the man

"She came into the bar looking for me and I asked for her number."

One of my friends the other day was telling about something pretty unusual that he saw at the hospital when his wife was giving birth. There was this little boy who was born without eyelids and since he came from a Christian family he was circumsized. Instead of throwing away the foreskin though they used it as eyelids. Surprisingly, it didn't look all that different but the doctor said that he may live the rest of his life a little cock-eyed.

Oddly enough, my religion teacher told me that one.

Q: How long does Lionel Richie sit on the toilet?

A: All night long.

Two farmers were at a bar having a drink and talking about there day on there farms when one of them said that he saw a magic tractor.

"What" said the other farmer "there,s no such thing as a magic tractor"
"Yes there is" the first farmer said "i was driving down the road behind the tractor and to my surprise it suddenly turned into a farm.

Of a man, two camels - in three chapters.
 

A man - we'll call him James - found himself stranded in the desert when his car broke down on his way to the brothel on the other end of the desert from where he lived.. When he realised that no help would be forthcoming he decided to go and walk on his way across the desert - Well, he hadn't had sex for months...

He walked for hours on end and frankly he was beginning to get sick of it - not to mention he was tired and running out of water, fast - so imagine his relief when he discovered a coral in a small oases, where he could buy himself more water, and a camel, named Bastard.

Having never ridden a camel before, he asked the man who sold it to him to explain.
"To start him walking, you say 'Go' To start him running, you say, 'Whew', and to stop him, you say 'Amen'. Otherwise, he rides just like a horse."

So, James got on the Bastard, and, after double-checking himself (Water, check. Compass, check. Foodstuffs, check) - utterred the word, 'Go'.

The Camel began to walk off at a leisurely pace - in fact, so calmly that the kids living in the area were still able to walk up to him to try and sell him trinkets and worthless souvenirs.
Understandably, James wanted to go a bit faster.
'Whew', he said - and the camel took off like a shot!
And i mean, the beast was running -fast-. James' face felt like it was being sandblasted, what with the sand in the riding wind; the animal he was riding sped along it's way at a speed no animal should be capable of...
And in the distance, James noticed a ravine, heading straight for him.

And he couldn't remember how to stop.

He tried everything from hitting the animal to choking it with the reings. Bastard stubbornly refused to slow his barely-subsonic pace.
James settled for his fate. Knowing himself about to die horribly, he crossed himself and utterred, "In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, Amen.
Bastard screeeeeeeeeched to a halt, his feet pulling long ploughs into the sand and rock underneath, a dust plume a mile high behind them as it finally came to a full stop some five foot from the edge of the ravine.
James took a deep, shuddering breath and nervously peered over that edge into the abyss
Then he wiped the sweat of fear from his brow with a sleeve.
"Whew!"
----
Miraculously, thanks to a great amount of loose sand that had pooled up at the bottom of the ravine, James and Bastard survived without a scratch.
After extracting themselves from their position, they continued on their way; Once James had gotten used to the miraculous speeds Bastard could make himself move at, he found the animal was actually quite a good ride; it reacted to the reigns readilly and easilly, and James thought to himself, "Ha! i'll be at that brothel in no time flat!"
This was, however, when Bastard stopped and sank to it's nees, then laid flat - and decided for some reason not to want to move anymore, at all.
Considering the speeds that the animal was capable of, James was not entirely willing to let him go- so he took the reigns of the camel and dragged it behind him for miles and miles, all the way to a small garage out in the middle of nowhere.
The garage owner took one look at Bastard and stated that yes, he'd seen that kind of thing before, and he knew a way to get Bastard moving again...
"Get the camel on the platform and i'll help you out, no problem." he said.
Together, they hauled Bastard onto the lift platform in the middle of it - the man then lifted Bastard to just over head-height, and wandered into the desert.
He returned a few minutes later holding a large stone in either hand, stepped under the platform, and SLAMMED the rocks together on the camel's scrotum.
Bastard, obviously displeased with this kind of treatment, let out a high-pitched noise and took off, jumping from the platform and dissapearing into the desert at all the speed it was capable of...

"You moron! How am i supposed to catch him now?" said James, enraged.
"Ah, no worries, no worries at all." Said the garage owner calmly. "Just climb upon that platform and i'll help you out no problem."
----
After some haggling and a lot of Drama, though, James found himself back on a camel - a female one this time, who had no name of herself - back on his increasingly frustrated way across the desert; his hornyness was beginning to become a -real- bother...
When he realised there was nobody to see him for miles and miles around, he decided that he could relieve himself by... Well, taking out his frustrations on the camel, and fucking her.

She, however, would not have any of it; every time he managed to back her up to a rock of appropriate size, climbed up on it, and attempted to mount, she took a step sideways or forward, leaving poor james to topple over on his first thrust, with his cock into hot sand.
Increasingly frustrated, they struggled like this for a long while - and, going from rock to rock as they were, actually managed to get a good distance crossed. Untill...
In the distance, James saw a stranded vehicle, hood open and a figure bent over it.

When he approached, the occupants of the vehicle turned out to be four of the most gorgeous women he had ever seen; a blonde, a redhead, a brunette, and a raven-black haired beauty, each of them easilly capable of winning a beauty pageant; We're talking long-haired college gals, skin as smooth as silk, a body to die for and legs all the way up to _there_...

James, being a typical male, offered his services in attempting to get The car running while trying to keep his by-now raging hardon in check; the women were dressed somewhat provocatively because of the heat, and giving him looks that made him feel as though he was made of chocolate.

As he worked on fixing the vehicle, he engaged the young ladies in smalltalk and in so doing found out much to his surprise that they were all nymphomanes, on their way to putting their raging sex drive to good use and find employment in the very same brothel that James had been traveling to all this time!

Barely believing his luck, he quickly identified the problem - a dirty sparkplug - and fixed it; the luxury car was running smoothly in no time

The four ladies inside it smiled to him, the brunette taking the lead, getting out and, while making sure to offer him a great vieuw straight into her ample cleavage, purred in a husky voice, "Thank you so much, James. Is there anything at all we can do for you... Or with you... to show our grattitude?"

James looked at the four of them, tilted his head and considered this for a few moments - then grinned widely and pulled down his fly.

"For God's sake hold the camels' legs so she can't move!"

Guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and immediately notices the guy has a very large Bic cigarette lighter.

The first guy says "Wow, cool lighter...where did you get it?"

"A genie from a bottle granted me one wish."

"Great, can I try it?"

"Sure."

First guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. "You are granted one wish says the genie."

The guy says, "I want a million bucks!"

"Done" says the genie and disappears.

A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and in come pouring in ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks falling all over each other through the bar door.

"I can't believe this," says the guy who had just placed his wish, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

The second guy then says, "Do you really think I wished for a 12" Bic?"

This time I'll post one that I actually came up with by myself.

If a Caucasian eats a cracker, is it considered cannibalism?

Im not good at jokes but...

How did the blonde have 2 brain cells? She was pregnant.