Dominants, please pay attention to your words
 

This entreaty comes from a submissive switch with not a whole lot of experience, but please at least give thought to what I am saying, please don't dismiss it out of turn.
You is going to refer to a dom(me) unless otherwise stated. She, her is going to refer to male or female submissive, simply for ease of typing.

Please, when you are talking to your sub, consider what words you use even if s(he) is ok with them. At first, words can often seem alright, your sub is ok with you using them on her, you have talked about what crosses the line and what doesn't, it seems like all the bases have been covered.
And yet, sometimes the words add up, at first seeming to have no effect, but over time they can make a person feel like the word. As an example, worthless, it can be paired with many other words, slut, whore, pet, love... And especially if a sub enjoys humiliation, or that sort of thing, a reasonable questions would be where is the harm in using it?

I cannot give an answer for all, but many times it can start to sink in far deeper than intended. It is capable of becoming a description the submissive uses to describe herself out of scene, because she has heard it so often and has started to believe it. It leaves a mark that doesn't necessarily fade, doesn't dim, and can lead to serious consequences in self esteem and other areas especially if the relationship stops working.

So while those words can be very enjoyable, and I am by no means suggesting abstaining, please consider the way you say it, and if there are counterbalances such as worthy, precious, loved, smart... Consider what words you use to address your submissive most frequently and what effect they can have.

Happy to hear others opinions :)

Thank you,

Quietwench

I honestly think the responsibility lies with the submissive to begin with.

If you want to be treated a certain way, Called certain names and you ask for that ... You will get it!!

I would never aim to make anyone feel worthless or even to insult them, But i once had a sub who requested to be labeled "My worthless sub" by myself... If she ever felt put down or insulted then that is a result of her request.

What a lot of people don't realize on here is that, For example i am dom.
My position means i enjoy to control a submissive in HER way, She may be sub but in the end they have the ultimate control and call the shots, As a dom i will make her submission as interesting as i can whilst obeying HER limits and in a strange way doing what SHE wants.

So as you can see, Subs in the end only get and be treated the way THEY want to ... Meaning the responsibility lies with them and not the dom.

Quiet - This is a great post even the humiliationsluts have human needs :)

agree
 

I think the dominating should be careful , he should use these words , but not always . Especially in an offline relationship , such words can destroy a person . Also these words have to be used , but the number of times a person keeps using them , really makes one sad .

But would you not agree that any sub wanting to include name calling should be responsible for how often?

I only use words that have been requested, Although i dont tend to over use words anyway as it gets boring, I do think the submissive should point out they want them used like only when in role play mode or when dom is giving a task etc

I agree with Your Dom, parameters have to be set at the start of a relationship and it's the sort of thing which should be discussed or pointed out near the beginning or when the dom is approaching a line.

I very much agree with the caution how the constant use of certain degrading or humiliating words can have a cumulative effect on a submissive. Eventually the meaning and intent of the words will go deeper into the sub's psyche than anyone may have originally intended.

For that reason, it's even more important for the dominant to take control of the situation, to modify or even stop the harmful behavior (ironically one that the sub wants yet the dominant makes happen) to protect the wellbeing of the sub.

The final responsibility belongs to the dominant, regardless of whether the sub "asked for it" or not. Failing to protect the sub is probably the most serious fault a dominant can have.

Or failing to be the dom that the sub is searching for, To be treated as he / she desires = a weak dom.

I will treat you as you wish, push your limits a little and test you ... But i only deal with consenting adults so if you don't know your own mind then you don't belong in this situation.

Subs are often thought of as weak people who need guidance and cant make their own decisions, Far from the truth really as subs tend to know what they want and how they want it ... I am just here to help you get there by using my imagination rather than your own.

But being an adult i expect for you to know your own limits and handle the situation you are asking for yourself!!!

I completely agree, in fact this is often a conversation I tend to have with girls when im in the process of taking them in as a sub/slave. I will ask if shes into humiliation, degregation (they not really some of my favorite things I want to treat them like princesses 95% of the time), and if there are any words phrases or such she would like me to avoid. At the end of the day if shes not happy and upset it just ruins any sort of relationship you have built up.

Exactly as above

It seems there is a split opinion on this matter, The way i see it i only deal with adults and i trust that adult to handle the situation they are asking for.

And if you want babysitting then maybe its age play you are looking for ;) (Not my thing btw)

Your Dom, I think you are missing one important factor here. A Dominant is not a vibrator for a sub to use as she sees fit. While it may be true that she asked for certain things, it is ultimately you who makes them happen, and she that experiences them.

Doms can have limits too. In fact, while this trend is rapidly degrading, it used to be normal in the scene that a dom is the one who sets the rules, and the sub agrees to them, or goes to find another dom. (At least, if literature is any indication. I'm a bit too young to actually remember the old days of the scene.)

It is never, NEVER, the subs fault. The only thing sub can be guilty of is breaking an order. Everything else is dominant's fault. If she asks for something you feel may be dangerous for her, in any way, then don't do it. Would you hand a suicidal person a noose? I didn't think so.

While I understand that this look on things may be debatable, I find that it solves a lot of problems. If you take care of everything, you won't be responsible for anything. And I doubt the court would accept: "But she asked for that asphyxia." This is an extreme example, but still: Better safe then sorry.

As for the original subject, I strongly agree. I've always advocated that there's no place for humiliation in BDSM. Sadly, the scene takes it's own course, and I doubt that we will be able to change it.

Being a dom with 22 years experience in BDSM, this is an interesting subject for many reasons. The interernet anonymises the BDSM relationship between a dominant and submissive individual. This is the very reason why I undertake a mixed method of domination including meetings. This keeps the relationship intact and the Dom is constantly reminded of the human interaction.

With BDSM, the relationship between Dom and sub is often seen as one sided, but in fact must include mutual respect. Without this element there can be no trust, and without trust there is little or no domination. It is vital therefore the buildup and discussions leading to acceptance by the Dom, and an understanding of the sub is gained.

It is the responsibility of the Dom to keep there sub or property safe. This is not only physical but mental as well. A Dom with experience and who has practiced for years can quickly determine where risks are present. This may be age, experience, requests and other tell tale signs.

It must also be said that if the relationship is working, there is always the ability of the sub to approach the Dom on any subject. This is the test of any true Dom and sub relationship. It is also the responsibility of the sub to ensure that while entering the relationship, they are doing so after prolonged discussions have taken place between the proposed Dom and sub. All of the above contribute towards respect, fulfillment and pleasure.

Mark

Sorry guys, can I just point out my opinion is regarding online play only.

I have my sub in real life and am much more careful and considerate towards her needs and feelings etc

My point is that online, they ask for certain things and at times I think some are over the top and unrealistic... But I treat online as a game, subs barely hang around long enough and the ones that do I have come to know them on a more personal level and although there are no emotions involved I do treat them differently than when started as the scenario becomes more real.

I don't however agree with the comment above regarding doms making all the rules and subs agreeing or find someone new, I don't believe it works anything like that to be honest.
You have to take on board what they want, any limits they have and possibly work towards them and if possible breaking them.
If you expect to be the sole rule maker and your sub stick around then I don't think you'll have that sub very long.

Maybe looking into a submissive .. Role play .. Pet and sex shave may clear up the general rules of each role, I think you will find that your description of being the rule maker and the sub accepting that and anything you say falls more towards the sex salve than the usual submissive types .. Just my opinion ;)

Can't believe I miss spelt Slavs twice in two different ways ... Damn phone :(