Twins Birthday sleepover [fiction]
 

It is April 25th 2008 and it is Amy’s and George's birthday they are twins, their parents are going to be going away for the weekend for a business trip, they are told they are allowed to have 1 friend each for a sleepover. The parents go over the normal house rules:


So it is 12 o’clock and their parents have just left, then about 1 o’clock their friends turned up George and Danni, at first they just chill out and watch some DVD’s and order some pizza, it is now 7pm and they have watch a few DVD’s and ate there pizzas.

Then Amy turns around and says do you want a game of Truth or dare, they all turn around and say yes, so they go over a few rules:


So let the game begin......................

To be continued please post feedback part 2 will be up in 2/3 days

pretty good keep going

I like it so far lets get this one going!

Nice start. So far, too early to say anything good or bad storywise. Will await more before commenting.

However, I don't enjoy the visual presentation, because:


If you're going to do a list, leave it at the left side of the page. That way:

1. It fits better visually with the rest of the text.
2. It does not displace the eye when looking at the structure.
3. If seals the list within the narrative.

The same applies to your character descriptions. Use a more standard format for presentation; visually, it's unnerving to have the descriptions centered like that. Here is your character presentation (same text, different format).

Let me introduce a few people first:
Amy - Birthday Girl, average build with fairly large Tits about a D cup, aged 20
George - Birthday Boy, average build well toned, aged 20
Danni - guest of Amy, average build not so big on the tits, about a C cup aged 22
Fred - guest of George, average build not so well toned, aged 22

Also, if everyone is of average build no need to mention it. And C cup is not so big? Do you know there is also A and B, and D is the biggest standard cup available? I'd say B is not so big, C is relatively big.

The line that bit me was "eat there pizzas".

Of the three "there"s, this one refers to a place. Then there is "they're" which is a contraction for "they are", and "their" which shows possession.

The line should have been "eat their pizzas".

Yes, I am that picky about writing. You should see some of the letters I send to newspapers.... :-)

sorry for the delay in part 2 but it will be up by the weekend