Topping from the bottom
Posted 05-17-2017 at 02:12 PM by AbusiveMaster
Recently IceMaiden expressed a desire for a public knock-down in open chat. However she was worried that it might appear she was topping from the bottom by acting out for attention. I disagree with that. However, as the conversation began ten minutes before bedtime, and the answer is not exactly short (and because she won it in a game of deal or no deal) I decided instead to blog my own perspective on topping from the bottom.
Bratting is not the same as topping from the bottom. Even bratting with the intention of earning a spanking etc. doesn't always qualify, these things depend on the relationship. Many strong D/s relationships incorporate brattiness as a source of mutual fun, and there is nothing wrong with a submissive seeking a bit of attention from their Dom.
Topping from the bottom however is manipulative, selfish and perhaps even abusive, strange to say but a submissive can just as easily be abusive as a Dominant, though it is a subject much less discussed.
If a submissive is tired, unwell, not in the mood, a good Dominant will recognise this, make allowances for it, their concern is naturally the priority. A Dom who neglected this and forced the submissive into an unwanted situation, I think we can all agree, would be considered abusive.
On the flip side, if a Dominant is tired, preoccupied, not in the mood for whatever reason, usually the dynamics of the relationship dictate “no play tonight.” The Dom is in control. However if, knowing the Dom is not up for it, the submissive then chooses to break rules, push boundaries, flaunt their misbehaviour in such a way that the Dom is left with no alternative but to act, that is topping from the bottom. And it is every bit as abusive as the reverse situation.
There are other definitions, but they vary from relationship to relationship, circumstance to circumstance. There are some submissives who like to have an entirely scripted session where they know in advance every little detail of what is going to happen in the scene. This works for some people, not for others. However in this situation if the submissive presented the script and dictated “do this” that could be described as topping from the bottom, leaving no scope for the Dominant to BE Dominant, more an actor in the fantasy. But if this is what both parties agree to, then it causes no harm and is nobodies business but their own. There are other scenarios where the same applies, and again, if everyone involved is happy it is nobodies business but their own.
The only time topping from the bottom is ever an issue, ever needs addressed if it is non-consentual, if it is manipulative or damaging to a person or a relationship.
Bratting is not the same as topping from the bottom. Even bratting with the intention of earning a spanking etc. doesn't always qualify, these things depend on the relationship. Many strong D/s relationships incorporate brattiness as a source of mutual fun, and there is nothing wrong with a submissive seeking a bit of attention from their Dom.
Topping from the bottom however is manipulative, selfish and perhaps even abusive, strange to say but a submissive can just as easily be abusive as a Dominant, though it is a subject much less discussed.
If a submissive is tired, unwell, not in the mood, a good Dominant will recognise this, make allowances for it, their concern is naturally the priority. A Dom who neglected this and forced the submissive into an unwanted situation, I think we can all agree, would be considered abusive.
On the flip side, if a Dominant is tired, preoccupied, not in the mood for whatever reason, usually the dynamics of the relationship dictate “no play tonight.” The Dom is in control. However if, knowing the Dom is not up for it, the submissive then chooses to break rules, push boundaries, flaunt their misbehaviour in such a way that the Dom is left with no alternative but to act, that is topping from the bottom. And it is every bit as abusive as the reverse situation.
There are other definitions, but they vary from relationship to relationship, circumstance to circumstance. There are some submissives who like to have an entirely scripted session where they know in advance every little detail of what is going to happen in the scene. This works for some people, not for others. However in this situation if the submissive presented the script and dictated “do this” that could be described as topping from the bottom, leaving no scope for the Dominant to BE Dominant, more an actor in the fantasy. But if this is what both parties agree to, then it causes no harm and is nobodies business but their own. There are other scenarios where the same applies, and again, if everyone involved is happy it is nobodies business but their own.
The only time topping from the bottom is ever an issue, ever needs addressed if it is non-consentual, if it is manipulative or damaging to a person or a relationship.
Total Comments 8
Comments
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I actually hate the term topping from the bottom. There is such a stigma attached and I think it holds some submissives back from sharing their thoughts, feelings, wants and needs in a relationship.
I don't know how many times I have been accused of topping from the bottom or a sub has told me that they don't want to share, for fear of being accused of topping from the bottom. Telling my Dom that I want to be spanked or that I want to play with electricity, is not topping from the bottom.
Telling my Dom that I am going to cum even if he says no (but not actually doing it), is not topping from the bottom. Calling my Dom names because he is teasing me and denying me, is not topping from the bottom. Telling my Dom that I didn't like the play session because I thought it was boring, is not topping from the bottom. Asking my Dom to never call me a certain name again is not topping from Some of these things are me just being a brat, but others are sharing my feelings about things and that is so important to any kind of relationship. It is how we learn about each other and grow together.
Any Dom who is threatened by their sub sharing their thoughts and feelings, or letting their personality shine, is not cut out for a long term D/s or M/s relationship, in my opinion.
I usually cringe when I see this term but I really like your definition. So thank you for sharing this. I may link this to others in the future.Posted 05-17-2017 at 02:31 PM by Butterfly 
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I have never been told that I am topping from the bottom but I worry about it all the time. I will admit to only having one long term dominant so perhaps my view is clouded by the "getting to know you" period but I found the biggest thing I worried about was wanting more of x and if I asked then I would be controlling the situation. I guess what I am thinking about is communication is key and some times its hard and it has to go both ways and I guess as much as a sub has to say/indicate when they are and are not enjoying a situation or want something so does a dominant.Quote:Originally Posted by Butterfly
I actually hate the term topping from the bottom. There is such a stigma attached and I think it holds some submissives back from sharing their thoughts, feelings, wants and needs in a relationship.
I don't know how many times I have been accused of topping from the bottom or a sub has told me that they don't want to share, for fear of being accused of topping from the bottom. Telling my Dom that I want to be spanked or that I want to play with electricity, is not topping from the bottom.
tl;dr feelings hard, talk more :PPosted 05-17-2017 at 02:46 PM by Ly Ph
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I found that having a safe place to record your thoughts after a session, or once you have some space away from your partner can be a huge help. I used to have an online journal that we both had access to, and I could write daily thoughts or weekly thoughts there. Feelings, or desires, or little things I didn't want to forget to tell him but weren't important enough to bug him while he was at work.Quote:Originally Posted by Ly Ph
I have never been told that I am topping from the bottom but I worry about it all the time. I will admit to only having one long term dominant so perhaps my view is clouded by the "getting to know you" period but I found the biggest thing I worried about was wanting more of x and if I asked then I would be controlling the situation. I guess what I am thinking about is communication is key and some times its hard and it has to go both ways and I guess as much as a sub has to say/indicate when they are and are not enjoying a situation or want something so does a dominant.
tl;dr feelings hard, talk more :P
I still periodically use that to express my feelings when they are complicated or I am shy about what I am talking about.
Writing daily reports is something that I always ask my subs to do as well, especially at the beginning when things are so new. It is always my decision to change things as I see fit, but it is good to get feedback as a Dom/me. We want to please our sub too. At least some of us do.Posted 05-17-2017 at 03:15 PM by Butterfly
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I rated this blog 5 stars.Posted 05-17-2017 at 03:17 PM by Heart
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Me too. Great opinion I like to share, since it is concerned about harm to anybody involved as the very best criteria, contrary to the common definitions what shall be seen as good or bad. Not harming our partners or us but benefiting both of us is what we should be concerned with.
Posted 05-17-2017 at 04:09 PM by CSasha
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Oh wow,this blog is just "too tempting" not to react on.
In my opinion,...
First of all ds is a kink that should bring pleasure to both partners. If it doesn't one does something wrong. If it does, well,.... Good,... And don't worry about how that happened.
Then,
In my view "topping from the bottom" is "driving the play from by the sub". It's not my thing, but if it works for others: fine! There are no prices for "best compliance to ds regulations", it is all about having a good time.Posted 05-17-2017 at 11:23 PM by sir sam
Updated 05-18-2017 at 01:45 AM by AbusiveMaster -
Your post went a long way off topic, and I would hate the discussion to follow the wrong path, if you wish to raise the issue of you being strong enough to handle a brat, you may open a new blog about that. What I have left behind is, I am sure, the essence of your intent.Posted 05-18-2017 at 01:47 AM by AbusiveMaster
Updated 05-18-2017 at 01:54 AM by AbusiveMaster -
Ahh,....
I guess it was not my intent to become pedantic about this, rather to explore the underlying drivers.
Having said that,.
You are right i got overboard, so,.... The shortened comment is very ok.Posted 05-18-2017 at 05:10 AM by sir sam
