Are Doms/Subs An Extension Of Each Other?
Posted 03-23-2017 at 05:00 PM by IceMaiden
*Please excuse any typing which goes to hell. AM is making me write this with the wand on my clit on full power and not allowing me to edit/correct. 
*
So...I've noticed often in the D/s scene that some people claim that a Dom/me and sub reflect on each other. For example; if a sub were to be rude to soomeone for no reason it reflects not only that the sub isn't so nice of a person but also the Dom because they are responsible for the subs training.
I do not agree with this. Sure, the dominant party is responsible for the training of the sub. They are not responsible for the actions or words the sub does or uses, only for correcting and guiding them if neccessary.
If, for example, I decided out oof nowhrere to be a complete bitch to someone who diidn't deserve it, I would put the blame on myself. Not AM. He may train me and I may choose if to obey or not. Bt he is not responsible for what comes out of my mouth. (Oh, the innuendo.) I am not a robot. I am also not stupid. I know thhe difference between right and wrong and what is acceptable and what is not. He may take action on correcting my ehaviour; but he is not responsible for it. I am an adult. Choosing to submit and obey does not alter the fact that I know what is expected of me and what is acceptable in public circumstances.
The same goes the other way around. If AM decided to be a jerk to someone out of the blue when they didn't deserve it, it freflects on him. I do noot thik it should reflect on me. He is just as responsible and aware as I am. (Thogh maybe not as matue.)
Whenever I see someone blaining the other party in a relationship for something their partner has said r done, I want to hit them in the face with a metal chair. Every person is an individual with their own thoughts, actions and desires. We choose outrselves how to act. No one is forced to act a certain way. Not even in the realm of D/s.
And fuck me, I lost my train thought of then when an edge hit me.
Each person is responsible for their own chpoices and decisions, regardless of if they have entered into a d/s relationsip. I find it frankly ludricous to blame somone for something someone else has done or to judge someone based on another persons actions.
*So...I've noticed often in the D/s scene that some people claim that a Dom/me and sub reflect on each other. For example; if a sub were to be rude to soomeone for no reason it reflects not only that the sub isn't so nice of a person but also the Dom because they are responsible for the subs training.
I do not agree with this. Sure, the dominant party is responsible for the training of the sub. They are not responsible for the actions or words the sub does or uses, only for correcting and guiding them if neccessary.
If, for example, I decided out oof nowhrere to be a complete bitch to someone who diidn't deserve it, I would put the blame on myself. Not AM. He may train me and I may choose if to obey or not. Bt he is not responsible for what comes out of my mouth. (Oh, the innuendo.) I am not a robot. I am also not stupid. I know thhe difference between right and wrong and what is acceptable and what is not. He may take action on correcting my ehaviour; but he is not responsible for it. I am an adult. Choosing to submit and obey does not alter the fact that I know what is expected of me and what is acceptable in public circumstances.
The same goes the other way around. If AM decided to be a jerk to someone out of the blue when they didn't deserve it, it freflects on him. I do noot thik it should reflect on me. He is just as responsible and aware as I am. (Thogh maybe not as matue.)
Whenever I see someone blaining the other party in a relationship for something their partner has said r done, I want to hit them in the face with a metal chair. Every person is an individual with their own thoughts, actions and desires. We choose outrselves how to act. No one is forced to act a certain way. Not even in the realm of D/s.
And fuck me, I lost my train thought of then when an edge hit me.
Each person is responsible for their own chpoices and decisions, regardless of if they have entered into a d/s relationsip. I find it frankly ludricous to blame somone for something someone else has done or to judge someone based on another persons actions.
Total Comments 6
Comments
-
A few years ago, there was an incident in which I friended somebody without messaging them first. They were somebody that Asslvr was friends with, and I honestly forgot to send her a message. She sent a very nasty message to Asslvr about how he needs to be punish me for being so disrespectful and ignorant.
That incident made me livid! It is not the only time that this has happened, (because apparently I am a very rude and disrespectful person), but it is the time that sticks out most in my mind.
My actions, both within the kink community and outside of it, are MY actions. They are choices that I make, not Asslvr. He may get to control my orgasms, or bathroom habits, but he does not get to control my personality, who I am.
The one thing that I disagree with you on slightly, is the fact that Asslvr can "correct" that behaviour. If I were to talk back to him (or to you or AM within our dynamic), he has every right to correct/punish/provide a consequence. However, anybody outside of our dynamic, and I have to deal with the real life consequences of my actions.
Even if I bitched out Asslvr's mother, I would not tolerate him trying to use D/s as a way to punish me. We would have a conversation about the way he felt, and the reasons why I did what I did. We may discuss that he felt I was too harsh and should apologize or that I was right. But D/s would not come into the equation. I made that decision and I would then need to live with the repercussions of my actions (lots of awkward dinners!).
I do believe that Doms and subs are an extension of each other to some extent. Just like any couple. If you see Jack and Jane out for dinner, and Jack is a complete ass, you may question who Jane is as a person ... because she chose Jack to be the person to be with, however it doesn't make Jane an ass, and it doesn't mean that Jane is responsible for Jacks actions.
Sorry, this turned into a bit longer than a ramble, but it is a bit of a heated topic for me :P
Great blog post!Posted 03-23-2017 at 08:56 PM by Butterfly 
-
I personally feel who we choose to be in the company of (even friends we make) does reflect on us to some extent even though we are not responsible for them.. and in a D/s it may extend to the correction of behavior due to the power equation in some individual cases though I think it does not apply to real life circumstances outside the dynamic as rightly pointed out by butterfly
Digressing a little, a small example that I want to give here to support my viewpoint is I once put some pics in another site and received some comments (respectful) and replied to them accordingly.. and later on in a conversation with my Dom he did mention that many people don't reply to comments even when they are good and respectful and he was glad I did.. this for me was a kind of an implicit approval of my conduct by him which made me feel submissively good even though my personality is not very needy or clingy and I think independently in real life..Posted 03-23-2017 at 11:08 PM by nina@
Updated 03-24-2017 at 12:16 AM by nina@ -
I feel like this is one of those areas in Ds where Doms sometimes struggle with what they should do?
I like to keep in mind that first and foremost Monkey is a man, an adult, and an individual. If he decided to be a total ass, to me or anyone else, I can trust he has his reasons and that he is only doing what he feels is right. I feel like my job as a Dom is simply to give him an alternative perspective, to broaden his perceptions to help HIM make the right decision FOR HIMSELF. It's a bit like a therapist actually.
What if I don't agree with that decision? Well, I can decide that it doesn't bother me, or I can decide that it does. If it did, I would tell him. If he didn't see it fit to care that it bothered me, I would have to weigh where on the "deal breaker" scale that sits with me. And I am an adult too - so I have every right and ability to end the relationship. At no point in this exchange are we an "extension" of one another; we are two adults with two distinct and individual life paths walking side by side.
Now, Monkey and I are a touch different in that it's within our negotiated dynamic for me to alter or censor the way he acts with others. I've still no interest in changing his personality or character, but I might tell him that he's not allowed to, say, bitch out people. Maybe I tell him that when he gets home I will help him express that anger. But I will never tell him not to be angry or that the other person didn't deserve to be bitched at. Again, though, that's a part of the relationship he wants, and has asked me to do...had he never come to me with it, it wouldn't even cross my mind to curb his behavior. It's not mine to curb as it relates to other people.Posted 03-24-2017 at 07:36 AM by iSpuds
-
I agree with a lot what was said.
D/s is something between me and my pet and does not extend beyond that. kink things, like playing on a thread on gd it probably does, but for rl it does not.
Our relationship is a little tricky in the sense that it has become 24/7. But still, the 24/7 is between us and extends to nobody.
I sometimes get a question: "want to ask/send xyz to your pet, is that ok?".
I refuse to answer such question. I just reply that he/she has to decide him/herself.
(And if it would be a brutal thing he/she will get a smash in return, but actually the people who ask are normally sweet).
In fact, any other response i would see as a start of social isolation which is a bad thing
Having said that.....
As already mentioned in previous comments....
Any couple (vanilla and ds) will show some "interlinked" behavior.Posted 03-24-2017 at 02:41 PM by sir sam
-
I love rambles!!Quote:Originally Posted by Butterfly
A few years ago, there was an incident in which I friended somebody without messaging them first. They were somebody that Asslvr was friends with, and I honestly forgot to send her a message. She sent a very nasty message to Asslvr about how he needs to be punish me for being so disrespectful and ignorant.
Um, what? I get recieving a friend request from someone you haven't spoken to/don't know can be mildly irritating for some, but disrespectful and ignorant? And needing to be punished for having the nerve to send a request? Was she high?
That incident made me livid! It is not the only time that this has happened, (because apparently I am a very rude and disrespectful person), but it is the time that sticks out most in my mind.
Pffft. If you are a rude and disrespectful person then I am a minor and fake!
My actions, both within the kink community and outside of it, are MY actions. They are choices that I make, not Asslvr. He may get to control my orgasms, or bathroom habits, but he does not get to control my personality, who I am.
This. This is what I was trying to say. People aren't robots we all have a personality. Or at least...most people do.*giggles*
The one thing that I disagree with you on slightly, is the fact that Asslvr can "correct" that behaviour. If I were to talk back to him (or to you or AM within our dynamic), he has every right to correct/punish/provide a consequence. However, anybody outside of our dynamic, and I have to deal with the real life consequences of my actions.
Even if I bitched out Asslvr's mother, I would not tolerate him trying to use D/s as a way to punish me. We would have a conversation about the way he felt, and the reasons why I did what I did. We may discuss that he felt I was too harsh and should apologize or that I was right. But D/s would not come into the equation. I made that decision and I would then need to live with the repercussions of my actions (lots of awkward dinners!).
Here I meant more that if both parties feel it neccessary after communicating for a correction. And of course dynamics differ, too. For example whilst you wouldn't allow a correction based on your actions in this scenario, in the dynamic I have with AM if he genuinely felt it was needed and I didn't I would submit to it still. But I wouldn't be happy about it and he would definitely know my thoughts why! (Hmm maybe that's another one for sub vs slave topic. If I can make sense this time.)
I do believe that Doms and subs are an extension of each other to some extent. Just like any couple. If you see Jack and Jane out for dinner, and Jack is a complete ass, you may question who Jane is as a person ... because she chose Jack to be the person to be with, however it doesn't make Jane an ass, and it doesn't mean that Jane is responsible for Jacks actions.
I get/agree that people may wonder, I just don't agree on deciding on a judgement for one person based on the other, without knowing both of them seperately. Heck many people question my personality when AM is a dick to them. *laughs*
Sorry, this turned into a bit longer than a ramble, but it is a bit of a heated topic for me :P
Great blog post!
I would feel the same way if that happened to me. I can't remember who it was, maybe Butterfly or NLG, posted once on one of my ranty blogs about wanna be doms/dont tell your dom etc people that I was still polite and sweet when dealing with them even though it was obvious I wasn't happy with what they were saying to me. It's like, just because you are a dick I wont be and if I was it would be my responsibility to own it; even though you provoked it.Quote:Originally Posted by nina@
I personally feel who we choose to be in the company of (even friends we make) does reflect on us to some extent even though we are not responsible for them.. and in a D/s it may extend to the correction of behavior due to the power equation in some individual cases though I think it does not apply to real life circumstances outside the dynamic as rightly pointed out by butterfly
I do agree it can reflect on us at times, I was more trying to state that even if and when it does we aren't responsible for it. I just didn't get it across very well....last time I write a serious topic with a wand attached to me.
Digressing a little, a small example that I want to give here to support my viewpoint is I once put some pics in another site and received some comments (respectful) and replied to them accordingly.. and later on in a conversation with my Dom he did mention that many people don't reply to comments even when they are good and respectful and he was glad I did.. this for me was a kind of an implicit approval of my conduct by him which made me feel submissively good even though my personality is not very needy or clingy and I think independently in real life..
Quote:Originally Posted by iSpuds
I feel like this is one of those areas in Ds where Doms sometimes struggle with what they should do?
I like to keep in mind that first and foremost Monkey is a man, an adult, and an individual. If he decided to be a total ass, to me or anyone else, I can trust he has his reasons and that he is only doing what he feels is right. I feel like my job as a Dom is simply to give him an alternative perspective, to broaden his perceptions to help HIM make the right decision FOR HIMSELF. It's a bit like a therapist actually.
This. All of this. We may guide, encourage, advise our other half but ultimately it comes down to THEIR decision on what they do.
What if I don't agree with that decision? Well, I can decide that it doesn't bother me, or I can decide that it does. If it did, I would tell him. If he didn't see it fit to care that it bothered me, I would have to weigh where on the "deal breaker" scale that sits with me. And I am an adult too - so I have every right and ability to end the relationship. At no point in this exchange are we an "extension" of one another; we are two adults with two distinct and individual life paths walking side by side.
You always phrase so beautifully what I actually intended to say but never managed to get directly to my point.
Now, Monkey and I are a touch different in that it's within our negotiated dynamic for me to alter or censor the way he acts with others. I've still no interest in changing his personality or character, but I might tell him that he's not allowed to, say, bitch out people. Maybe I tell him that when he gets home I will help him express that anger. But I will never tell him not to be angry or that the other person didn't deserve to be bitched at. Again, though, that's a part of the relationship he wants, and has asked me to do...had he never come to me with it, it wouldn't even cross my mind to curb his behavior. It's not mine to curb as it relates to other people.
Exactly this. He has his own thoughts, emotions, desires, responses. You may guide or help but you are not responsible for them. You're not one person, you are two halves of a couple.
I stated somewhere above in all my waffle that I do agree on the reflection/interlinked. I just wish some people would realize that whilst similar each is not responsible for the other's behaviour.Quote:Originally Posted by sir sam
I agree with a lot what was said.
D/s is something between me and my pet and does not extend beyond that. kink things, like playing on a thread on gd it probably does, but for rl it does not.
Our relationship is a little tricky in the sense that it has become 24/7. But still, the 24/7 is between us and extends to nobody.
Exactly. Your relationship together is yours. Each of your relationships with other people is unique to you and the other party, not your partner.
I sometimes get a question: "want to ask/send xyz to your pet, is that ok?".
I refuse to answer such question. I just reply that he/she has to decide him/herself.
(And if it would be a brutal thing he/she will get a smash in return, but actually the people who ask are normally sweet).
Damn, I wish he got asked first. Usually I get "I didn't think your Master would mind." They never defer to him first. Lucy, what am I doing wrong?!
In fact, any other response i would see as a start of social isolation which is a bad thing
Hmmm...that makes me think of another topic to write about soon.
Having said that.....
As already mentioned in previous comments....
Any couple (vanilla and ds) will show some "interlinked" behavior.Posted 03-24-2017 at 05:54 PM by IceMaiden
Updated 03-24-2017 at 06:12 PM by IceMaiden -
I agree entirely. It's not like the relationship between a parent and a child, a young child, where the parent is responsible for teaching them good behaviour. Although even then, the child still has free will and makes decisions for themselves. But at some point, little Timmy grows up and makes all of his own decisions and is responsible for all of his behaviour. Ultimately, being an adult includes being responsible for one's own decisions. And it has to be that way within BDSM relationships too. Otherwise, there wouldn't be punishments; everything would be the dominant's fault. But there are rules and accountability to those rules. It's an assertion that's never made sense to me either. I honestly think a lot of the time it's used to attempt to 'shame' a submissive for saying or doing something the other person doesn't like, and since they have no real authority over the submissive, they try to use his/her dominant to manipulate them into backing down. It's a cheap trick.Posted 03-25-2017 at 01:28 PM by naughtylittlegirl
