The Musings of a Switch?

As a lot of my latest blog entries have been, this is kind of a free write, just what comes into my mind at the time. I don't really care that much about grammar mechanics or spelling as this is not a formal essay nor am I being graded. It's just talking and musing and such but enough of the ramblings and I guess I'll get on to the main topic on what's been going on in my head lately.

In 2009, I had my first relationship with a sub and what I would call my first real immersion into the D/s lifestyle. I kind of had a D/s relationship before that but it was done solely through cybering, no actual tasks or rules or anything and I was a sub. 2009 from switching roles from a sub to a Dom, made me identify myself as a switch being able to play both roles equally well, despite that the masses saw me as a pure Dom. I guess I was more well-known back then than I am now. Or maybe it was because I fell more in the main demographic of this site as I was in my 20's at the time, now I'm in my early 30's.

Over the years of when I've been in and out of the D/s universe, I've had several subs and I've served under several Mistresses, and one male co-Dom. Most of these relationships started out good but ended badly, especially the ones where I was a sub as I was usually abandoned or driven to neglect after a couple of months. In fact doing a quick recount I think only two didn't add badly and I am still in contact with these "other halves" to this day. And ever since I've had my last official sub which lasted for a few years, I've been searching for a Mistress. I found out it was a Domme I was looking for because one guy showed interest in me but it just didn't feel right. I mean I'm bisexual and I do enjoy giving blow jobs on occasion, but I don't I just didn't feel it. So I figured I would like to be with a Domme again. I know it's an uphill battle finding a Domme, let alone one that actually intrigues me and puts forth an ad that actually has substance. But I digress...

I recently took on a trans sub and well that didn't work out. It wasn't his fault and it wasn't my fault either per se. I ended things because we weren't playing a lot and a lot of times when he was in the mood to play or whatever I wasn't. I felt my libido seriously decreasing and found myself not enjoying the situation and there's no point in having a relationship if one or both of the parties aren't happy. I mean I'm sure my libido is fine but I didn't find any enjoyment in being a Dom.

Thinking about this has kind of left me in an identity crisis recently hence the question mark in my title. Am I really still a switch or have I transitioned into my original roots as a sub? The identity crisis is kind of a whole bunch of contradictions, because for a while now I have craved the feeling of being owned. Being given tasks and rules yet at the same time someone who cares about me as a person and the relationship does transcend beyond just Domme and sub. It's hard to find that nowadays. The contradiction though is if I honestly view myself which of the two roles do I play better and which of the two roles have the more happy endings...when I was a Dom. So I think I perform better as a Dom but I'm craving to be a sub and have no interest in dominating anyone at this time. It's kind of irritating because I don't know what I identify as or what I should identify myself as. I know this seems like a trivial problem but this is really making me upset and I don't know why. I honestly don't know who I am anymore in the D/s lifestyle!