Just The Worst....
Posted 06-17-2017 at 11:11 AM by Hammarling
This is a blog about possibly the worst experience i've ever had as a Dom. It's not been an easy blog to plan because thinking about the situation makes my stomach churn, that's how much this effected/still effects me.
We all make mistakes, it's just about learning from them and not repeating them.
I'd been talking to a sub for a few days. We were testing out a D's relationship, trying a few things and seeing how it went. All fairly normal stuff. I basically quizzed her on various things such as experiences, likes/dislikes/limits and about her day to day life.
For an online relationship i really like to get as clear a picture of a person, their routine and abilities as possible. It makes like so much easier and avoids, should avoid, awkward moments.
A task had been given and the sub had attempted it, but failed. No problem, at least she had tried, but it went along with a punishment. The punishment was to be a quick mouth soaping.
This was when she flipped out. Got really angry with me. I had no idea what just happened, i hadn't broken a limit or been unfair, yet suddenly i was the devil in her eyes.
Turns out, mouth soaping is a Limit. But, and i went back through all our messages, it was never mentioned. Wasn't in her list of Limits or Dislikes. It wasn't in her list of things she wasn't insterested in. It had never come up.
Now i can't get a list of responses to every kink and task, it would be hundreds of lines long. So i had let something slip through a crack, not found the limit.
She was gone. I felt like utter sh*t. I should have known. Shouldn't have given the punishemtn. Should have... could have... etc.
It was horrible. As a Dom i have to keep my Sub safe and away from emotional and physical distresses. And i had failed. I was a failure...
That thought stuck with me for several months!
But slowly over time i regained some confidence. I read a few blogs and posts on here around the subject area, limits. I went back over our conversations to see what i did wrong and what i needed to do for the future.
Since then i've adjusted my questions when talking to a potential sub. It's more specific, and i really push for their limits above any likes or dislikes. I bring in safewords, one for "i'm not sure" and one for "stop!". I'm more attentinve in the early days, keeping things fairly simple and 'traditional'.
I messed up and a relationship went sour in a flash. But i have learnt how to do better in the future, and that it wasn't all my fault.
A horrible experience. But a key one. And one i won't soon forget. It has made me a better Dom as a result.
We all make mistakes, it's just about learning from them and not repeating them.
I'd been talking to a sub for a few days. We were testing out a D's relationship, trying a few things and seeing how it went. All fairly normal stuff. I basically quizzed her on various things such as experiences, likes/dislikes/limits and about her day to day life.
For an online relationship i really like to get as clear a picture of a person, their routine and abilities as possible. It makes like so much easier and avoids, should avoid, awkward moments.
A task had been given and the sub had attempted it, but failed. No problem, at least she had tried, but it went along with a punishment. The punishment was to be a quick mouth soaping.
This was when she flipped out. Got really angry with me. I had no idea what just happened, i hadn't broken a limit or been unfair, yet suddenly i was the devil in her eyes.
Turns out, mouth soaping is a Limit. But, and i went back through all our messages, it was never mentioned. Wasn't in her list of Limits or Dislikes. It wasn't in her list of things she wasn't insterested in. It had never come up.
Now i can't get a list of responses to every kink and task, it would be hundreds of lines long. So i had let something slip through a crack, not found the limit.
She was gone. I felt like utter sh*t. I should have known. Shouldn't have given the punishemtn. Should have... could have... etc.
It was horrible. As a Dom i have to keep my Sub safe and away from emotional and physical distresses. And i had failed. I was a failure...
That thought stuck with me for several months!
But slowly over time i regained some confidence. I read a few blogs and posts on here around the subject area, limits. I went back over our conversations to see what i did wrong and what i needed to do for the future.
Since then i've adjusted my questions when talking to a potential sub. It's more specific, and i really push for their limits above any likes or dislikes. I bring in safewords, one for "i'm not sure" and one for "stop!". I'm more attentinve in the early days, keeping things fairly simple and 'traditional'.
I messed up and a relationship went sour in a flash. But i have learnt how to do better in the future, and that it wasn't all my fault.
A horrible experience. But a key one. And one i won't soon forget. It has made me a better Dom as a result.
Total Comments 6
Comments
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I could have worded some of that better, but i am being careful not to assume too much of the Sub's viewpoint or to try and scew the situation to favor me. Plus it's not easy to think about how i felt at that time.
But perhaps someone will read this and learn something, or have it help them. And that'll be a great thing!Posted 06-17-2017 at 11:13 AM by Hammarling 
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You learned from it, that's the most important. It still sounds like she overreacted. Mistakes happen to all of us. And did you know, we fall around a thousand times in the process of learning to walk. So get rid of any guilt or shame. They won't help you anyway. Looking for how you can change for the next time is just the right action.
Wish you more luck next timePosted 06-17-2017 at 12:19 PM by CSasha 
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I honestly don't feel like you did anything wrong. Even if you had asked her to do something that was in the limits she had listed, when you are just starting, there is a learning curve. I understand it can be upsetting but she should have stayed and communicated! It is worse that it wasn't something that was discussed. New limits, undiscovered or undisclosed limits can pop up at anytime and both parties need to be ready to deal with them.
A safeword is a great tool but I don't know if it would have worked in this situation. I really feel as though her over reaction in evidence that something more was going on.
Don't beat yourself up. You did a great job moving forward and taking steps to do better next time, even if it wasn't your fault. That is a great quality in a dom.Posted 06-17-2017 at 03:26 PM by Butterfly
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I don't see what you did wrong either. Sure it was a limit, but it was a limit that was simply forgotten to bring up by both sides. And maybe she didn't even know it was a limit until you brought it up.
And this could always happen. But then she should have just safe-worded and discussed it with you. She shouldn't have gotten angry like the way she did. Sounds like a huge overreaction to me.Posted 06-17-2017 at 08:05 PM by Jaro
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I echo the others. You didn't do anything wrong from my point of view. Your former sub might have forgotten to list that as a limit, but she could clearly state that she can't comply with your order.
And just like Butterfly and Jarro said, it looks like an unnecessary overreaction. She should have talked about it with you before such an abrupt termination of your relationship.
I wish you all the best and I hope you'll find a suitable sub soon.Posted 06-18-2017 at 12:29 AM by Grand.Master691
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Thanks for sharing,
I want to phrase my comment different.
I don't think you did something wrong, but you probably did not do it right.
And actually, I think that is exactly what you wanted to express with this blog. You have changed your behavior and that is a good thing. This will not happen again to you.
I recognize what you say. I have been in a similar ( far less intensive) situation.
I appreciate you sharing this. It's brave. People can learn from it.Posted 06-18-2017 at 02:07 AM by sir sam
