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Negotiation 101

Posted 09-19-2017 at 01:00 AM by techiegirl

A reference for people doing RL scenes and play and things they might want to negotiate. Inspired by a list taught at a negotiation and communication class at my local dungeon.

Before you negotiate a scene with someone, check yourself.
  • Are you in a positive frame of mind?
  • H.A.L.T. Am I hungry, angry, lonely, tired?
  • Is my judgement impaired somehow be it from alcohol, drugs, or simply lack of sleep?

People:
  • Does anyone else need to consent to this negotiation? (Another partner, owner, dominant)
  • Can references be provided for this person?
  • Is it just the two of us?
  • Observers, personal DM's, spotters, Lifeguards, assistants?

Roles:
  • Top/Bottom, Dom/Sub, Master/slave, Daddy/little, schoolgirl/headmistress, nurse/patient
  • Names/honorifics to be called (Sir, Ma'am, Daddy, etc)
  • Protocol (Speech restrictions, rituals, etc)

Play:
  • Make sure you have 100% enthusiastic and inforned consent at all times!
  • Impact
  • Bondage
  • Psychological
  • Pet
  • Theatrical
  • Fear
  • Sensory deprivation
  • Other...

Motivations: What is the point?
  • What kinds of experiences are exciting/HOT to you in your fantasy life or in a scene?
  • Is it typically a sexual experience for you or something different?
  • You want top/sub space
  • BDSM is empowering
  • Personal growth/cathartic
  • Experimenting
  • Just for funsies!
  • Expectations (trial for a relationship, just play, etc)

Location:
  • Private or public play?
  • Do you like to be center of attention or do you prefer a quiet corner?
  • Where are you most comfortable?
  • What kind of furniture (if any) do you prefer?

Skills:
  • What are the relevant skill levels of everyone involed? (done several scenes, very new, taught classes on the subject, etc)
  • If you are new and your partner is experienced (or visa versa) that should be addressed

Safety: Very important, don't let focus shift to playing instead of safety issues
  • What do YOU need to feel safe? (Friends around, a Lifeguard/spotter, calming music)
  • Equipment
  • Limits of equipment
  • Safe words/signals and their meaning
  • Layout of space
  • Other safety concers (fire play, electricty, bondage)

Gear and Attire
  • Whose toys are being used?
  • Outfits/uniforms?
  • Disposable clothing (knife scenes)
  • Accessories (cuffs, collars, masks, etc)

Time:
  • Duration of scene
  • Start time (evening, morning, certain time, when you arrive at ceertain location)
  • End time
  • Who is keeping time?

Sex: Define what sex means to each person
  • Sexual contact
  • Fluided bonded or barriers
  • Penetration or not, what can be penetrated and by what
  • Who can touch whom? Where? How? Whe?

Limits and boundaries: Physical/emotional/relationship
  • Physical (pain, marks, etc)
  • Psychologicl (humiliation, certain names, fear, etc)
  • What is a deal breaker for you?
  • Top Limits: Tops have limits as well
  • Limits are what is off the table for this scene, they can change in the future. Hard/Soft limits just confuses the language

Health Concerns:
  • Physical concerns
  • Injuries/Chronic illnesses
  • Medications
  • Disclose ALL medical, mental, physical conditions!
  • Be prepared to answer questions and have solutions devised to deal with these issues
  • DIscuss limits and make certain all parties understan why you require them
  • What are today's health conditions? (water and food intake, alcohol consumptions, injuries, headaches, lack of sleep, etc)
  • Each day is a new day so be flexible with yourself and your partner and COMMUNICATE

Anatomy of a Scene:
  • Which toys, who brings them?
  • Who brings them in? (If your partner can't handle much weight, carrying two golfbags of toys might be bad)
  • Who lays out toys?
  • Who sets up the equipment?
  • Who cleans up afterwards?
  • Who packs up and carries toys out?

Communication during Scene:
  • How will that be handled? No means no? Safewords?
  • Unable to communicate?
  • A Top should stick to what is negotiated even when the bottom wants more during a scene (Do not negotiate up. Sub frenzy exists and further negotiation shouldn't be done during the middle of an intense scene)
  • A Botto should relaize if the scene has exceeded their limits and communicate this to the Top (Sometimes you think you can handle more than you can, no shame in that. Negotiate down, tell the Top that you're not up for something or if it is too much)
  • Remember, the person you are playing with cannot read your mind

Aftercare:
  • Who needs and does aftercare? (Some people don't need aftercare or won't do it for other people)
  • What is needed for aftercare? (Cuddling, discussing the scene, listening to music, food, water, attention, sex, kissing, etc)
  • How much aftercare? (Fifteen minutes? The rest of the night? Casusally over the next few days?)
  • Who will do what?
  • Reminder: Tops can need aftercare as well
  • What does Top/subdrop look like for you?
  • Things that help to avoid or handle it?

End Negotiations: It is very easy to get caught up in discussing BDSM and your fantasies, be sure to end the negotiation with a quick overview of what has been decided on by ALL parties.

Follow up and Feedback
  • Discuss how it went for you (Always be honest)
  • What would you have liked added to the scene?
  • At least 3 things you enjoyed
  • At least 3 things you wish had been different or didn't enjoy
  • At least 3 things you're curious about or learned

Remember friends, you're allowed to take your time and you're always allowed to walk away. Negotiating a scene isn't a complete guarantee of play, you might find that you don't care for the same things or you simply don't click. It is fine to walk away.
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Comments

  1. Old Comment
    Grand.Master691's Avatar
    Well done, Techiegirl, very nicely put and very informative! Everyone should read this.
    Posted 09-19-2017 at 01:32 AM by Grand.Master691 Grand.Master691 is offline
  2. Old Comment
    Heart's Avatar
    I really like this layout!

    Negotiations are so important!!!!!!!

    A few extra mins taking negotiations seriously will truly make a difference.
    Posted 09-19-2017 at 05:16 AM by Heart Heart is offline
  3. Old Comment
    Krakin's Avatar
    This is great, thanks for taking the time to put it together.

    -Alexis
    Posted 09-20-2017 at 05:18 PM by Krakin Krakin is offline
 

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