Dipping a toe in water that felt and was wrong
Posted 01-21-2018 at 08:09 PM by subScoot
Tags d/s learning
PreambleSo this is my first "opinion" blog. I read somewhere that the real value of writing a blog is that it forces you to seek clarity in your thoughts. GetDare is a small community where I do not intend to offend, so I will be deliberately vague with the who's in this.
The great thing about GetDare to me is that we are learning together, from each other through each other. In the last week I dove in, dodged a bullet, reflected a lot, quit (which I am ashamed of) and realized that my quest as a sub is going to be more gradual than my idealistic self wanted.
I found myself in a situation with a master where we were both tired, both caught up in a narrow definition of our roles, and therefore reckless. Intuition happens when you have codified experiences so that you can run checks in the background and just see the warning lights. In the D/s world I do not have that experience and I have learned that I need to deliberately manage my safety until I am with a Dom who has earned my trust by doing the same.
I have used the AMA to ask people with more experience about their advice and what still surprises them here. Almost uniformly it is how few subs manage their safety, in exposure, in no limits and not researching. In doms it is the flip side of the same coin, not being able to earn trust.
So what did I do when I had a Dom who bullied me into doing something unsafe, and the realization that it was more important to be a good sub than to be safe ... I quit. I regret it, I wish there was aftercare where we could talk it through. But there wasn't, so the Dom was not going to earn my trust.
So now I look for Doms and dare masters who have a history here and a history that does not include putting subs in danger.
I am however grateful that I could learn a lesson without paying a high cost. And I do appreciate people who give their time in this community ... all the people, just maybe not all of all the people.
The great thing about GetDare to me is that we are learning together, from each other through each other. In the last week I dove in, dodged a bullet, reflected a lot, quit (which I am ashamed of) and realized that my quest as a sub is going to be more gradual than my idealistic self wanted.
I found myself in a situation with a master where we were both tired, both caught up in a narrow definition of our roles, and therefore reckless. Intuition happens when you have codified experiences so that you can run checks in the background and just see the warning lights. In the D/s world I do not have that experience and I have learned that I need to deliberately manage my safety until I am with a Dom who has earned my trust by doing the same.
I have used the AMA to ask people with more experience about their advice and what still surprises them here. Almost uniformly it is how few subs manage their safety, in exposure, in no limits and not researching. In doms it is the flip side of the same coin, not being able to earn trust.
So what did I do when I had a Dom who bullied me into doing something unsafe, and the realization that it was more important to be a good sub than to be safe ... I quit. I regret it, I wish there was aftercare where we could talk it through. But there wasn't, so the Dom was not going to earn my trust.
So now I look for Doms and dare masters who have a history here and a history that does not include putting subs in danger.
I am however grateful that I could learn a lesson without paying a high cost. And I do appreciate people who give their time in this community ... all the people, just maybe not all of all the people.
Total Comments 3
Comments
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Sorry you had such a rotten situation.
Keep these items in mind when perusing future relationships:
SAFE
SANE
CONSENSUAL
Those are the three pillars of a good D/s relationship. If the Dom(me) can't give you save tasks, then that Dom(me) has issues and there is nothing wrong with you backing out. Always use a safe word. Each side should do their research. Trust is earned. And, ideally, a Dom(me) or task giver shouldn't give out a task that they would not be willing to do themselves. Ideally, they should have experienced the task themselves and also keep in mind that different people have different thresholds. Start light on tasks and slowly work up so that thresholds can be judged.
... Sorry if I'm rambling. I'll shut up...Posted 01-21-2018 at 08:21 PM by Blue Fox 
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Do not feel bad for quitting. Granted there might have been a couple steps in between, but you are just as responsible for your safety as any dom.
There are a lot of people on this site who are learning. It is up to you to research and know things to. In fact I think that is where my dom side has helped so much in realizing what I want to undertake for my sub side. It doesn't matter which side of the play you are on, you have to feel safe and respected. And if that Dom doesn't want to listen or be there, then there is nothing wrong with quitting.
As I have said over and over, the other part is communication. It's how you know you have done all you can do to express your mind. If they still don't listen, then again kick them to the curb. If I didn't block people, or I let people boss me around, I would not be happy and I would have left this site a long time ago.
I wish you good luck finding a play partner who treats you the way you deserve to be treated.Posted 01-21-2018 at 08:45 PM by Wedgiebondagebabe
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In my view you did not quit, you took responsibility for a situation were the other part did not.
To make things worse,...
Even AFTER this act the other party did not take responsibility (by opening discussion, by understanding "stopping a scene" is a very emotional thing for a sub and that aftercare should sure be provided then).
You basically learned that this dom is not up to the tasks he is handing out and it is very smart not to opt for being the guinny pig in that.
As wedgiebondagebabe is saying, many are new here. Many have to learn. Doms may think that overasking defines the real dom.
Soooo,... mistakes happen. Subs shall keep an eye on their safety knowing all that.
It could have been ok, this dom could have learned from this. The way it looks now is that YOU learned but the dom didn't.Posted 01-22-2018 at 03:40 AM by sir sam
