Tears For New Years, Icy's POV
Before I actually start telling this story from my POV I am going to clear up a few things AM delivers that aren't exactly true on his POV here!
1: I did no such thing as emotional blackmail, I just wanted to know his thoughts. It was the first time we had managed to bring me to tears despite trying countless times. I only asked Aimee if she agreed with me he should blog his thoughts, just to see if she did and not to gang up on him. Is it wrong for a submissive to want feedback right away? I think not!
2: AM never said we would begin playing at 9pm, he said he would be back online by 9pm. So I wasn't even late with anything. He tried to counter this with saying he thought the meaning was obvious but as he has spent the last few months dumbing me down and turning me into a bimbo, what does he expect if he doesn't make his intentions absolutely clear to me?
3: My battery mishap makes me sound so dizzy. What he forgets to mention is I was thinking "Why am I doing this? Why don't I have a safeword? Why am I so insane?" before we started using the knife. Having tried it once before I knew what to expect and I was dreading it! So I wasn't thinking of anything else other than how much I was going to hurt and was unsure if I dreaded the pain or tears more. That left no room for any other thoughts or..common sense!
Now we have that cleared up I can begin.
I have given AM every part of myself except for one. Tears. No matter how many spanks, how bad the humiliation gets, how uncomfortable physically or emotionally or mentally, I have never been able to cry for him. I have wanted to and a few times I have come close. But I have never been able to get past the mental block of allowing someone to see me so vulnerable and always thought it would make me seem weak. Being raised not to show pain combined with a very high pain threshold made it seem impossible that I would ever be able to cry for him.
And then we bought the knife and tried it for the first time on multiple areas of my body. While it wasn't exactly a pleasent sensation only one place caused tears to form the first time we tried it-the bottom of my foot. Fuck, it hurt! I wasn't a fan of this and never wanted to use it there ever again, but we now had what seemed like a solution to me being unable to let myself go enough to give him my tears. And so it was agreed when we had the time and opportunity we would use it repeatedly on my feet until I was brought to tears. That time came last night.
I have done a lot of things with AM. I've pushed myself in ways I didn't know I could. And yet before we started I was genuinely wishing I had a safeword with him. I knew what was coming, I knew it was going to hurt and I knew tears were a high probability. And I was nervous and anxious and there was a small part of me thinking that I wouldn't be able to do this, even though we both wanted me to be able to. I was very afraid of seeming 'weak.'
But I had agreed to do this and even though I was so sure I couldn't handle it I wanted a safeword, I still trusted him to know when I really couldn't take any more and to keep me safe. So we began.
What makes the nerves more pronounced is not only the differing intensity in zaps but the fact there isn't always a zap either. Sometimes there is none or it is so mild I barely feel it. So I never knew what to expect every time I pressed the button. I would think this time will be terrible and then get nothing. Or I would think this one wont hurt and it would be one of the strongest ones. I had NO idea which was happening and when.
Before we had started, AM had mentioned he thought I would last until the batteries died and we would have to replace them and he thought I would last around or close to two hours. I had said I would last less than a half hour before I was crying and we wouldn't have to swap out the batteries a single time.
And yet a half hour of zapping came and went and he told me I had made it past the half hour mark. By this time my eyes were closed the entire time, I was still shaking with nerves and I could feel tears in my eyes. Not enough to fall and not enough to be anywere near actual crying. But there were definitely there and could be seen. I didn't want to continue. The closer I got to actual tears the more afraid I became. I managed to fight through that part and remind myself once again that even though I might think it made me look weak, it wouldn't to AM. And that was the entire point of this, to give him my tears. To let myself go so completely that I gave him everything I possibly could.
So on we continued. A few times he made comments that had me laughing and held the tears at bay and at one point I asked him how do you expect me to ever cry if you keep making me laugh?! When we had first started I was still talking a lot, making jokes and teasing him. The further in we got the quieter I became as I focused on the sensations and feelings. I think it was around 45 minutes I was no longer talking or even responding to him at all, just sitting with my eyes closed, breathing heavily every time I touched the kinfe back to my poor foot again trying my hardest to follow the beat of the metronome.
I rarely succeeded in matching the beat as my body flinched so much and a few times I had to take a few seconds to recover and hold my foot before I could continue. Even though I wasn't matching it 80% of the time, I still tried to and I agree that it was this lack of control that allowed the tears to come faster and easier.
And then the first tears fell. I was so surprised I had been able to let them fall as I really didn't think it would ever happen. And once the first ones fell the others came easier. Five minutes after that the tears were pouring, I was sniffling and finding it harder to breathe and my entire cheeks were wet from the tears that coated them continously.
As I continued zapping the metronome ended and I commented oh dear I've lost my beat. And he was such a butthead he made me reset the video. We were actually usuing 30 BPM, not 20, at this point. And when he told me we would continue until it finished once more I wanted to stab him! With the knife I had in my hand! I knew it was a little over ten minutes long and I was already in a lot of pain on one foot and it seemed the tears were never ending. Even when one of the zaps were less intense or completely missing the tears still continued falling. I didn't know if I could continue for the full length of the video.
I don't know how far into the video we were when I commented it was never ending and he asked if I needed to stop. Oh that damn question. Did I need to stop? No. Did I want to stop? Hell yes!! But I didn't need to and so I silently shook my head and continued zapping away. When the video FINALLY ended I told him it felt like the video had lasted for 7 years!
Usually when we finish playing it takes only a few seconds before I am talking and teasing again. This time took a few minutes. I went to wash my face and returned to him and couldn't really say anything for those few minutes. As the tears slowly dried up I returned to my normal self and began teasing and making jokes at his expense again.
Do I like the kinfe? No! If anyone has a bigger knife I can stab it with or ideas for it to 'accidentally' break, I'l be very grateful. Am I glad it succeeded in what we have been trying to do for years? Yes. For so long I have wanted to give AM that part of me, to break down completely into a sobbing broken mess and give him every single part of me and let him fix me back together and I never thought we would manage it. The physical part isn't something I enjoyed. The end result and letting myself go so completely I would never change.
I had/have three kinky goals this year and one was to cry for AM. So 1/3 by the 2nd January is very good.
Now the only bad thing is AM says on our next meet I have to take the knife with me. I don't think that is wise...for him. I really want to zap his lollipop!!!!!!!!
1: I did no such thing as emotional blackmail, I just wanted to know his thoughts. It was the first time we had managed to bring me to tears despite trying countless times. I only asked Aimee if she agreed with me he should blog his thoughts, just to see if she did and not to gang up on him. Is it wrong for a submissive to want feedback right away? I think not!
2: AM never said we would begin playing at 9pm, he said he would be back online by 9pm. So I wasn't even late with anything. He tried to counter this with saying he thought the meaning was obvious but as he has spent the last few months dumbing me down and turning me into a bimbo, what does he expect if he doesn't make his intentions absolutely clear to me?
3: My battery mishap makes me sound so dizzy. What he forgets to mention is I was thinking "Why am I doing this? Why don't I have a safeword? Why am I so insane?" before we started using the knife. Having tried it once before I knew what to expect and I was dreading it! So I wasn't thinking of anything else other than how much I was going to hurt and was unsure if I dreaded the pain or tears more. That left no room for any other thoughts or..common sense!
Now we have that cleared up I can begin.
I have given AM every part of myself except for one. Tears. No matter how many spanks, how bad the humiliation gets, how uncomfortable physically or emotionally or mentally, I have never been able to cry for him. I have wanted to and a few times I have come close. But I have never been able to get past the mental block of allowing someone to see me so vulnerable and always thought it would make me seem weak. Being raised not to show pain combined with a very high pain threshold made it seem impossible that I would ever be able to cry for him.
And then we bought the knife and tried it for the first time on multiple areas of my body. While it wasn't exactly a pleasent sensation only one place caused tears to form the first time we tried it-the bottom of my foot. Fuck, it hurt! I wasn't a fan of this and never wanted to use it there ever again, but we now had what seemed like a solution to me being unable to let myself go enough to give him my tears. And so it was agreed when we had the time and opportunity we would use it repeatedly on my feet until I was brought to tears. That time came last night.
I have done a lot of things with AM. I've pushed myself in ways I didn't know I could. And yet before we started I was genuinely wishing I had a safeword with him. I knew what was coming, I knew it was going to hurt and I knew tears were a high probability. And I was nervous and anxious and there was a small part of me thinking that I wouldn't be able to do this, even though we both wanted me to be able to. I was very afraid of seeming 'weak.'
But I had agreed to do this and even though I was so sure I couldn't handle it I wanted a safeword, I still trusted him to know when I really couldn't take any more and to keep me safe. So we began.
What makes the nerves more pronounced is not only the differing intensity in zaps but the fact there isn't always a zap either. Sometimes there is none or it is so mild I barely feel it. So I never knew what to expect every time I pressed the button. I would think this time will be terrible and then get nothing. Or I would think this one wont hurt and it would be one of the strongest ones. I had NO idea which was happening and when.
Before we had started, AM had mentioned he thought I would last until the batteries died and we would have to replace them and he thought I would last around or close to two hours. I had said I would last less than a half hour before I was crying and we wouldn't have to swap out the batteries a single time.
And yet a half hour of zapping came and went and he told me I had made it past the half hour mark. By this time my eyes were closed the entire time, I was still shaking with nerves and I could feel tears in my eyes. Not enough to fall and not enough to be anywere near actual crying. But there were definitely there and could be seen. I didn't want to continue. The closer I got to actual tears the more afraid I became. I managed to fight through that part and remind myself once again that even though I might think it made me look weak, it wouldn't to AM. And that was the entire point of this, to give him my tears. To let myself go so completely that I gave him everything I possibly could.
So on we continued. A few times he made comments that had me laughing and held the tears at bay and at one point I asked him how do you expect me to ever cry if you keep making me laugh?! When we had first started I was still talking a lot, making jokes and teasing him. The further in we got the quieter I became as I focused on the sensations and feelings. I think it was around 45 minutes I was no longer talking or even responding to him at all, just sitting with my eyes closed, breathing heavily every time I touched the kinfe back to my poor foot again trying my hardest to follow the beat of the metronome.
I rarely succeeded in matching the beat as my body flinched so much and a few times I had to take a few seconds to recover and hold my foot before I could continue. Even though I wasn't matching it 80% of the time, I still tried to and I agree that it was this lack of control that allowed the tears to come faster and easier.
And then the first tears fell. I was so surprised I had been able to let them fall as I really didn't think it would ever happen. And once the first ones fell the others came easier. Five minutes after that the tears were pouring, I was sniffling and finding it harder to breathe and my entire cheeks were wet from the tears that coated them continously.
As I continued zapping the metronome ended and I commented oh dear I've lost my beat. And he was such a butthead he made me reset the video. We were actually usuing 30 BPM, not 20, at this point. And when he told me we would continue until it finished once more I wanted to stab him! With the knife I had in my hand! I knew it was a little over ten minutes long and I was already in a lot of pain on one foot and it seemed the tears were never ending. Even when one of the zaps were less intense or completely missing the tears still continued falling. I didn't know if I could continue for the full length of the video.
I don't know how far into the video we were when I commented it was never ending and he asked if I needed to stop. Oh that damn question. Did I need to stop? No. Did I want to stop? Hell yes!! But I didn't need to and so I silently shook my head and continued zapping away. When the video FINALLY ended I told him it felt like the video had lasted for 7 years!
Usually when we finish playing it takes only a few seconds before I am talking and teasing again. This time took a few minutes. I went to wash my face and returned to him and couldn't really say anything for those few minutes. As the tears slowly dried up I returned to my normal self and began teasing and making jokes at his expense again.
Do I like the kinfe? No! If anyone has a bigger knife I can stab it with or ideas for it to 'accidentally' break, I'l be very grateful. Am I glad it succeeded in what we have been trying to do for years? Yes. For so long I have wanted to give AM that part of me, to break down completely into a sobbing broken mess and give him every single part of me and let him fix me back together and I never thought we would manage it. The physical part isn't something I enjoyed. The end result and letting myself go so completely I would never change.
I had/have three kinky goals this year and one was to cry for AM. So 1/3 by the 2nd January is very good.
Now the only bad thing is AM says on our next meet I have to take the knife with me. I don't think that is wise...for him. I really want to zap his lollipop!!!!!!!!Total Comments 1
Comments
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You are a brave soul! You are honestly so amazing and I aspire to be as brave and amazing as you. Thank you for sharing your point of view. I knew AM was likely lying about a few points ... he exaggerates so much sometimes :PPosted 01-04-2018 at 11:44 AM by Butterfly 
