A random assortment of reports, thoughts, ramblings and information. Pretty much a view inside my wonderfully complicated, sometimes broken, and entertaining mind.
Am I a bad sub?
I am doubting myself and I really needed a safe place to put my thoughts down and get them out, even if they are nonsensical.
I know I have defended myself as a sub before. I have said that no matter how I act, I truly am submissive and I am a good sub. I just need the right Dom. But I am starting to doubt myself ...
I am bratty and stubborn and independent. I like to say no and try to negotiate on tasks. I have numerous and strict limits, more so than other people. I have irrational fears and hesitations. I have a unique personal situation and physical limitations. I have baggage and damage from the past that limits me at times. I have allergies and sensitivities which need to be taken into account. I often find myself complaining about one thing or another ... especially things like chronic headaches or other maladies. I know what I want and what I need and I often have no problem asking for it (or rather demanding it).
All of these things are barriers. They are things that I am constantly having to say "Well actually I can't do that ..." or "Can we change this ...". Nothing is every easy with me. I always have to complicate things.
I guess I have been blessed. For the past 3 years I have been with a wonderful man, a man who knew me so well, I no longer needed to explain these things to him. He knew me so well, he would take them into account before I even had a chance to think about them. No only would he take them into consideration on his own tasks, but he would make sure that any other tasks that I was given, were checked over as well.
I haven't had to do this dance for 3 years! Asslvr and I had perfected the tango and now I am learning to hip hop. Even with AM and IM, AM knew me sooo well. We had been friends for years, we had followed each others blogs, and again Asslvr was there for me. To protect me. To alter things as needed. But now ... Now I am with somebody who doesn't know me at all. And I am remembering how complicated it is for somebody to be my Dom.
I feel like a failure. I feel like I am not worth the trouble. It makes me feel like a bad sub. Can I even be a sub if I don't like denial? or if I am not willing to go commando? Am I too set in my ways?
I have a wonderful man who has agreed to be my Dom. I couldn't have asked for anybody better. Next to Asslvr, I feel like Mr. Rainbow is almost as good. He understands me. He cares for me. He tries his hardest to communicate with me, to include Asslvr, to make us all feel comfortable and safe and happy.
But do I deserve that?
I know I am submissive. I crave somebody else being in control. I want to let go and be subby, be cared for and protected and cherished by my Dom.
This is what I need.
What I want.
What I crave.
But ...
Maybe I should just stick to being a Domme...
I know I have defended myself as a sub before. I have said that no matter how I act, I truly am submissive and I am a good sub. I just need the right Dom. But I am starting to doubt myself ...
I am bratty and stubborn and independent. I like to say no and try to negotiate on tasks. I have numerous and strict limits, more so than other people. I have irrational fears and hesitations. I have a unique personal situation and physical limitations. I have baggage and damage from the past that limits me at times. I have allergies and sensitivities which need to be taken into account. I often find myself complaining about one thing or another ... especially things like chronic headaches or other maladies. I know what I want and what I need and I often have no problem asking for it (or rather demanding it).
All of these things are barriers. They are things that I am constantly having to say "Well actually I can't do that ..." or "Can we change this ...". Nothing is every easy with me. I always have to complicate things.
I guess I have been blessed. For the past 3 years I have been with a wonderful man, a man who knew me so well, I no longer needed to explain these things to him. He knew me so well, he would take them into account before I even had a chance to think about them. No only would he take them into consideration on his own tasks, but he would make sure that any other tasks that I was given, were checked over as well.
I haven't had to do this dance for 3 years! Asslvr and I had perfected the tango and now I am learning to hip hop. Even with AM and IM, AM knew me sooo well. We had been friends for years, we had followed each others blogs, and again Asslvr was there for me. To protect me. To alter things as needed. But now ... Now I am with somebody who doesn't know me at all. And I am remembering how complicated it is for somebody to be my Dom.
I feel like a failure. I feel like I am not worth the trouble. It makes me feel like a bad sub. Can I even be a sub if I don't like denial? or if I am not willing to go commando? Am I too set in my ways?
I have a wonderful man who has agreed to be my Dom. I couldn't have asked for anybody better. Next to Asslvr, I feel like Mr. Rainbow is almost as good. He understands me. He cares for me. He tries his hardest to communicate with me, to include Asslvr, to make us all feel comfortable and safe and happy.
But do I deserve that?
I know I am submissive. I crave somebody else being in control. I want to let go and be subby, be cared for and protected and cherished by my Dom.
This is what I need.
What I want.
What I crave.
But ...
Maybe I should just stick to being a Domme...
Total Comments 20
Comments
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I can very much relate to that feeling. For the longest time, i thought it impossible for any dom to deal with all the issues i have, and rude to - in return for what little i had to offer - ask anyone to do so. Until, by pure chance, i was proven wrong. I thought i had already given up, and suddenly i had all i could have wished for, and more. For the first time, i really didnt feel like i was a burden for my dom.
And neither are you.
Youre not alone with these feelings,and its hard sometimes. But if you just look around a little, youll find a lot of people that love you just the way you are. And if they can do that, so can you.
Youre worth it. Dont put yourself down.Posted 07-17-2017 at 06:32 PM by LaurasStar 
Updated 07-17-2017 at 07:22 PM by LaurasStar (Phrasing) -
Believe me sweetie, you truly are an amazing sub. It takes time to get to know you, and once you do, it is well worth every bit of effort. You are amazing and any Dom would be extremely lucky to be with you. I love you very much♡Posted 07-17-2017 at 07:09 PM by Mr. Devious
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Oh little one. Every person has some sort of baggage. It doesn't make you a bad sub or person to have them. There are things your are into and things you aren't. Being a Dom is accommodating those things and still make it fun for both sides. And I do have to agree with Asslvr, getting to know you is worth every bit. And I wouldn't change it for the world. I am very glad I got to be the person you trust with your submission.Posted 07-17-2017 at 09:12 PM by RopeRigger
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It's like you said yourself, your Dom has to get to know you, and know you really well! You only just started with Mr Rainbow but just because you like different things doesn't mean you're less worth it.
Give it time.
Relax.
Try not to worry.
And as you trust each other more things will get easier and you might even do some things you never thought you would.
And, as many have said here already in other blogs, denial is no prerequisite at all, neither is edging or any form of orgasm control.
You are very much worth it, not least because you are such a sweet and charming lady!!Posted 07-17-2017 at 09:31 PM by Jaro
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The first thing that came to my mind when reading this was: "no, being a bad sub is not even possible". "Being a bad person is possible, but being a bad sub is not".
A bad person will do things that destroy relationships.
Someone feeling "subbish" is a sub. Period.
Then,... there are subs in flavours. And different doms like different flavours.
To me personally, I would not like a sub that always says "yes sir". Having to work for it is a big part of the fun of domming.
But,... also that is personal.Posted 07-17-2017 at 10:59 PM by sir sam
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Butterfly,
I get what your saying but honestly you are an amazing person. Being with someone new means learning about each other. And that takes time to be done.
I know myself when I get with someone new it takes time to let go completely. You're with someone new after being with someone else for 3 years. Learn about each other as I'm sure they are trying to learn about you too.
I very much doubt you are a bad sub. When sometimes being bratty is fun. As for limits normally they are there for a reason. When the reason gets explained to him I'm sure he will understand why.
Give it some time. You're an amazing person, I know that because of the way you are on here.Posted 07-18-2017 at 12:00 AM by eevee.velvet
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Sometimes it's simply patience and kindness that is needed, be patient with yourself, be kind to yourself even if you think you're failing. Just give things time to develop and to overcome your fears and self-defeating thoughts. Just be the person you are, be the sub you want to be, don't keep worrying about being a "good sub", whatever that is. Sometimes the things we see as our flaws and failings are the things that others find most attractive or appealing,
I have a friend that worries about being a "good wife", I often tell her that her husband went into their marriage knowing who she was and how she is, so nothing should be a huge surprise for him. Rather than trying to be a "good wife" and putting ridiculous pressure on herself I tell her to just to be true to herself and work on being happy and content instead, because that will make her much easier to live with.
Sometimes in a marriage, or a partnership or relationship of whatever kind, it's about realizing and utilizing the skills or strengths from both parties that counts, rather than focusing on the weaknesses of one party.Posted 07-18-2017 at 12:42 AM by Masterwants 
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Of course you are a bad sub. You have neither long-range nor side-scan sonar, can't go underwater deep enough for research, and can't fire torpedoes or rockets.
But you are a great you and that is what matters.
You can't compare understanding built over 3 years vs. 3 weeks - its not fair to anyone and most of all you.
Trust others to figure you out as you figure them out. And, sometimes you help each other along the way.Posted 07-18-2017 at 01:17 AM by MarvHarvey
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You're not a bad sub at all. Everyone has limitations due to their own personal circumstances and as Mr Rainbow said part of being a Dom is accomodating to those things.
So what if you don't like denial? I don't either. I like the idea of it but not the reality and I will never be very good with long term denial. Or medium or short term denial..
When AM and I first started D/s, I had only just started recovering from anorexia/bulimia and so I was so incredibly weak and could barely do anything most days. Some days were still the days were just walking downstairs caused me to go dizzy and/or collapse. But AM knew this and worked with me and gave me things I could do that didn't involve physical effort. Did I feel guilty? Yes I did. Because I couldn't do the other things he asked of me. But I learned that it was okay and there was no rush and we could do them in the future when I was strong enough for them.
Although the exact issues aren't the same, the end result is: Being unable to do something doesn't make you a bad sub. Raising your fears and concerns, even complaining, doesn't make you a bad sub. You know better than anyone else your limitations and what you can and can't do. And those things you're not sure of? I have never known you to not at least try. And it's the effort and trying that counts, not the outcome. When you're asking can we change this, you're not refusing to try or to work together, you're trying to alter it so it is something you CAN do. And that's what matters.
Love you lots!
Denial sucks! Thank you, this really helps. And hearing your story, my response would be "DUH!", that is the way any good Dom would act, but it is easier to give that advice out rather than to listen to it myself.
I do always try! I try my best at everything and I don't like to give up, but I also don't like to fail and I feel like I am failing sometimes (when I have to say no, or change things). Which is why I am struggling. But thank you!Posted 07-18-2017 at 07:24 AM by IceMaiden
Updated 07-18-2017 at 08:01 PM by Butterfly -
It sounds like you help your dominant by assisting with the care of something they treasure: namely, you. This is really important!Posted 07-18-2017 at 07:58 AM by kurious kat
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Hmm, let's see!
"I am bratty and stubborn and independent." Well, that doesn't make you a bad sub!
"I like to say no and try to negotiate on tasks." Doesn't make you a bad sub
"I have numerous and strict limits, more so than other people." Anyone who thinks this makes you a bad sub is dumb
"I have irrational fears and hesitations." Same here!
"I have a unique personal situation and physical limitations." Oh look, another thing about you that doesn't in any way make you a bad sub
"I have baggage and damage from the past that limits me at times." Hmm, nope, not a bad sub!
"I have allergies and sensitivities which need to be taken into account." Thinking this makes you a bad sub would make someone a REALLY bad dom
"I often find myself complaining about one thing or another ... especially things like chronic headaches or other maladies." Well that doesn't in any way make you a bad sub
"I know what I want and what I need and I often have no problem asking for it (or rather demanding it)." Not a bad thing!
In the absence of any evidence to the contrary, I'm going to say you're not a bad sub! Being unable to do certain things doesn't make you a bad sub. Being unwilling to do certain things doesn't make you a bad sub. Nor does not liking to do certain things, or not being good at certain things.
Yes, that means you won't be able to sub for every dom. But you're way too good for most of them, so meh? Congrats on finding (another
) awesome dom, and yes you deserve awesome doms and all the things your subby side wants and craves!
In conclusion: No, no you're not.Posted 07-18-2017 at 01:49 PM by Bluetooth
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Thank you. I am sorry that you know what it feels like, because I wish nobody did. I know that a lot of people care for me. I know that they think I am awesome, just the way I am, but still somehow it is hard to believe them, you know?Quote:Originally Posted by LaurasStar
I can very much relate to that feeling. For the longest time, i thought it impossible for any dom to deal with all the issues i have, and rude to - in return for what little i had to offer - ask anyone to do so. Until, by pure chance, i was proven wrong. I thought i had already given up, and suddenly i had all i could have wished for, and more. For the first time, i really didnt feel like i was a burden for my dom.
And neither are you.
Youre not alone with these feelings,and its hard sometimes. But if you just look around a little, youll find a lot of people that love you just the way you are. And if they can do that, so can you.
Youre worth it. Dont put yourself down.
I like the way you said that subs come in different flavors. I never really thought of it that way. I definitely am a bratty and distinguished flavor like pickle and caviar :PQuote:Originally Posted by sir sam
The first thing that came to my mind when reading this was: "no, being a bad sub is not even possible". "Being a bad person is possible, but being a bad sub is not".
A bad person will do things that destroy relationships.
Someone feeling "subbish" is a sub. Period.
Then,... there are subs in flavours. And different doms like different flavours.
To me personally, I would not like a sub that always says "yes sir". Having to work for it is a big part of the fun of domming.
But,... also that is personal.
Mr. Rainbow has been amazing at trying to get to know me, and he has been very understanding. It is more me questioning how much he should have to understand, and where does it cross the line into being too much work for him?Quote:Originally Posted by Asher88
Butterfly,
I get what your saying but honestly you are an amazing person. Being with someone new means learning about each other. And that takes time to be done.
I know myself when I get with someone new it takes time to let go completely. You're with someone new after being with someone else for 3 years. Learn about each other as I'm sure they are trying to learn about you too.
I very much doubt you are a bad sub. When sometimes being bratty is fun. As for limits normally they are there for a reason. When the reason gets explained to him I'm sure he will understand why.
Give it some time. You're an amazing person, I know that because of the way you are on here.
Thank you for your kind words.Posted 07-18-2017 at 03:21 PM by Butterfly
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Thank you my love. Although you are bias. But thank you for your very kind words, I do take them to heart and I have come to realize that you truly do believe that I am amazing and worth every hassle I put you through. You love me even when I bite you, which says something.Quote:Originally Posted by asslvr
Believe me sweetie, you truly are an amazing sub. It takes time to get to know you, and once you do, it is well worth every bit of effort. You are amazing and any Dom would be extremely lucky to be with you. I love you very much♡
I love you very very much too.Posted 07-18-2017 at 03:24 PM by Butterfly
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I feel very lucky to have found you. I really do appreciate your kindness, support and patience with me. I don't think a lot of people would have put this much time into getting to know me and making everything work. You are a great Dom and have gone above and beyond to make me feel good, and I just sometimes feel like you deserve better. I will try my best to not think that, but I can't help when it creeps back into my thoughts every now and then.Quote:Originally Posted by RopeRigger
Oh little one. Every person has some sort of baggage. It doesn't make you a bad sub or person to have them. There are things your are into and things you aren't. Being a Dom is accommodating those things and still make it fun for both sides. And I do have to agree with Asslvr, getting to know you is worth every bit. And I wouldn't change it for the world. I am very glad I got to be the person you trust with your submission.
Posted 07-18-2017 at 03:27 PM by Butterfly
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I have already tried new and wonderful things that I never thought I could,Quote:Originally Posted by Jaroface
It's like you said yourself, your Dom has to get to know you, and know you really well! You only just started with Mr Rainbow but just because you like different things doesn't mean you're less worth it.
Give it time.
Relax.
Try not to worry.
And as you trust each other more things will get easier and you might even do some things you never thought you would.
And, as many have said here already in other blogs, denial is no prerequisite at all, neither is edging or any form of orgasm control.
You are very much worth it, not least because you are such a sweet and charming lady!!
and I can't wait to see what else I might get to experience, but I still do feel as though I say no more than I say yes.
Thank you for your kind words. I think you are a pretty awesome (and funny) little worm.Posted 07-18-2017 at 03:28 PM by Butterfly
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I have a hard time being kind to myself. I am my own worst critic and am very quick to think negatively. It is something I need to work on. I don't know if anybody could view my flaws or failures as attractive though.Quote:Originally Posted by Masterwants
Sometimes it's simply patience and kindness that is needed, be patient with yourself, be kind to yourself even if you think you're failing. Just give things time to develop and to overcome your fears and self-defeating thoughts. Just be the person you are, be the sub you want to be, don't keep worrying about being a "good sub", whatever that is. Sometimes the things we see as our flaws and failings are the things that others find most attractive or appealing,
I have a friend that worries about being a "good wife", I often tell her that her husband went into their marriage knowing who she was and how she is, so nothing should be a huge surprise for him. Rather than trying to be a "good wife" and putting ridiculous pressure on herself I tell her to just to be true to herself and work on being happy and content instead, because that will make her much easier to live with.
Sometimes in a marriage, or a partnership or relationship of whatever kind, it's about realizing and utilizing the skills or strengths from both parties that counts, rather than focusing on the weaknesses of one party.
It is good advice to just be myself rather than trying to be something I am not. I have given that advice to many people before. Why is it so hard to take your own advice at times?
Thank you for your advice and kind words.
See! I knew it! :PQuote:Originally Posted by MarvHarvey
Of course you are a bad sub. You have neither long-range nor side-scan sonar, can't go underwater deep enough for research, and can't fire torpedoes or rockets.
But you are a great you and that is what matters.
You can't compare understanding built over 3 years vs. 3 weeks - its not fair to anyone and most of all you.
Trust others to figure you out as you figure them out. And, sometimes you help each other along the way.
I am not trying to compare the two, I know that it took Asslvr and I long time to get where we are. I am trying to be patient, but I just feel like I am not worth putting in that effort. I know if we spend time together, that we will get to a point where things are easier, but am I worth all that time and dedication? Is the outcome worth it?
Thank you for your kindness.
Putting it that way, I guess I do help ...Quote:Originally Posted by kurious kat
It sounds like you help your dominant by assisting with the care of something they treasure: namely, you. This is really important!Posted 07-18-2017 at 03:33 PM by Butterfly
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Thank you! When broken down this way, and trying to look at it objectively, I can see your point a little clearer. Yes, I have standards for Doms and I think I found a great one. Especially since he hasn't ran away yet.Quote:Originally Posted by Bluetooth
Hmm, let's see!
"I am bratty and stubborn and independent." Well, that doesn't make you a bad sub!
"I like to say no and try to negotiate on tasks." Doesn't make you a bad sub
"I have numerous and strict limits, more so than other people." Anyone who thinks this makes you a bad sub is dumb
"I have irrational fears and hesitations." Same here!
"I have a unique personal situation and physical limitations." Oh look, another thing about you that doesn't in any way make you a bad sub
"I have baggage and damage from the past that limits me at times." Hmm, nope, not a bad sub!
"I have allergies and sensitivities which need to be taken into account." Thinking this makes you a bad sub would make someone a REALLY bad dom
"I often find myself complaining about one thing or another ... especially things like chronic headaches or other maladies." Well that doesn't in any way make you a bad sub
"I know what I want and what I need and I often have no problem asking for it (or rather demanding it)." Not a bad thing!
In the absence of any evidence to the contrary, I'm going to say you're not a bad sub! Being unable to do certain things doesn't make you a bad sub. Being unwilling to do certain things doesn't make you a bad sub. Nor does not liking to do certain things, or not being good at certain things.
Yes, that means you won't be able to sub for every dom. But you're way too good for most of them, so meh? Congrats on finding (another) awesome dom, and yes you deserve awesome doms and all the things your subby side wants and craves!
In conclusion: No, no you're not.Posted 07-18-2017 at 07:59 PM by Butterfly
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I know I am a little late in commenting but have been meaning to give my thoughts on this for a while now but didn't get an opportunity to until now.
A very good Dominant once told me that every new sub was like a puzzle to him which he loved solving. So what I have learnt subbing is that real Doms love the process of knowing the individual likes, preferences, pecularities etc (both kinky and vanilla) of a new sub. It is very much like the charm of the first few dates.
So while we subs may worry about overwhelming Doms with our inherent complexities (lol) early on in a new relationship, I think for a true Dom looking for a meaningful relationship, investing time and effort into knowing, understanding and adapting to a new partner may actually be intriguing and would eventually enrich the experience for both sides.Posted 07-31-2017 at 01:03 AM by nina@
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I commented before but I would like to add something.
I might be biased but you are my friend and my (ex/partial) domme so I know you pretty well.
I don't think being a good sub is about what you will or will not do. Being a good sub means communicating well, being honest, being committed, aiming to please and being serious about all this. You do all these things so well, I can't imagine any dom being disappointed with you. If I was a dom I would feel very lucky to have you. And you are great fun to talk to too, what more can we want?
Also I can subscribe to what Nina said. I think it must be a fun challenge to play with a new sub, especially if it's a sub who doesn't simply do everything. It makes the stuff they do do much more meaningful and fun to find that stuff out!Posted 07-31-2017 at 02:01 AM by Jaro
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I love this blog and the comments so much. Especially Jaroface at the end: "I don't think being a good sub is about what you will or will not do". Such a succinct truth.Posted 10-13-2017 at 09:11 AM by madl
