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My Story

Posted 01-17-2017 at 01:04 PM by The Slutty Princess

I find it very difficult to voice my story. I had never planned on writing a blog like this but writing is my escape, writing is my therapy. And though it feels very scary to share something so personal with the public, I am very proud of attempting to share my story. To this day, there is only one person in the entire world that has heard my story and I’d like to change that, starting with anyone that cares to read this entire post, and I’d then like to share it with my girlfriend. Nothing haunts us like the things we don’t say. I’ve kept my story bottled up inside me, scared to share it with anyone who I didn’t trust. I no longer want to keep this bottled up inside of me as if it didn't happen.

I am a sexual assault and rape survivor.

It started in high school. I was about thirteen when I began seeing a boy. This boy and I were actually very close. He was somebody that I could consider family, someone that I never felt uncomfortable around, he was my best friend...someone who I loved. Despite that we were very close, we were just friends...or at least I thought we were just friends.

The fact is, we are always being warned of these dangerous, creepy strangers, but it is usually the ones we are close to that we should be worried about. It wasn’t until two years later where I was raped by the boy. ( I call him a boy because I refuse to call such a human, a man) I had been staying over at his house and we had just finished watching a movie. It was too late to catch a ride home and the both of us couldn’t drive yet, so I graciously accepted his offer of staying the night, instead of walking home in the cold. Unfortunately, he never intended to let me stay the night.

I remember very few things about the actual rape, yet I relive these memories in my mind on numerous occasions every month. I remember being tossed down on the bed, him scrambling to take off his clothes, the struggle, the slap I received across my face, how heavy he had felt on top of me, and the moment I felt too overpowered to resist any longer. In that instant, I realized there was nothing I could do to stop what was happening. He was simply too strong. He kept going when I said no. He kept going when I cried. He kept going when I tried to push him off. He held me down and he kept going.

That is the hardest part of my story to swallow. I surrendered. Looking back at it now, I feel sick. I feel like screaming at that sweet, innocent, naive fifteen-year-old girl, to tell her to scream loud, to tell her to fight back, to tell her to run. But, in the event of these actions, I no longer felt as though I was connected to my body. I felt like I was somewhere else, I couldn’t move, and I couldn’t even scream, I could only stare at the dark ceiling and pray that it’d end. I never put up a fight. I never physically resisted. My pleas were only powerless. And I think that is what hurt me the most. The physical pain ended but the emotional pain never seemed to end.

After what I could only feel was hours long, he was done. He finally pulled his heavy body off me. My body could finally move. As quickly as I could, I pulled myself to the corner of the bed, against the wall, and pulled my knees to my chest, wrapping my arms around them. I was too scared to look at him, I was too scared that looking at him would only remind me that this is reality. I stared at the ruffled bed covers, shaking and sobbing softly into my knees. All he could say was “I’m Sorry” before he walked out of the room and into the bathroom. I was left in the corner, cold, naked, and scared. I could hear the guilt in this voice but I didn’t care. After a few seconds, I stood up and began gathering my clothes off the floor in which he had tossed around. My body was in unbearable pain. It hurt to put my underwear back on, it hurt to put my pants on. I was bleeding slightly but I was too dazed to care. Without shoes, I walked home in the freezing cold, each step bringing more pain throughout my body, causing me to sob uncontrollably.

It felt like an eternity had passed before I had finally arrived home. I tried to be as quiet as possible but I couldn’t stop sobbing. I showered, trying to scrub every piece of his existence off of me before I cried myself to sleep. That went on for a few more days, I stayed locked in my room, crying, reflecting on my life, and rejecting myself as a person, hating myself, hating my existence, and hating his existence. The scene kept playing over and over and over again in my mind. It ruined me. It killed me. It crushed me. It silenced me. I no longer talked at the dinner table, I no longer replied to emails or text messages, I isolated myself from everyone. My assaulter continually tried to contact me, which only hurt me worse. I never wanted to leave the house, fearful that I’d run into him. Looking back at it now, isolation was the worst thing I could have done. I laid in my bed for days, replaying the event and blaming myself as my mind developed suicidal thoughts. I was scared of my own image, I was scared of the entire world.

Eventually, the only way that I thought I could escape this never ending nightmare that was living in my head...was to kill it. I feel a sense of shame and embarrassment to even write about it. When my parents were off to work, I decided to grab a bottle of pills from the medicine cabinet and I returned to my room. I stared at that little orange bottle for what had felt like an hour, crying like I had never cried before, crying as loud as I could because nothing else mattered. My sister, who had expressed her concern about my behavior earlier in the week and the morning after I was raped, had overheard me sobbing and opened my bedroom door to find me that little orange bottle shaking in my hand. I know I’ve said it in some past writings, “I owe my life to my sister” but it is no exaggeration. My sister means the entire world to me, because without her, I don’t know what my foolish mind would have done that day. She had snatched the bottle out of my hand before I could even say a word and I broke down. She locked the door and refused to leave my room until I told her what was going on….and I did. I told her every single detail I could remember, every emotion I felt, and every thought I had had, under the condition that she would not tell another soul in the world. And to this day, she hasn’t spoken a word to anybody.

I struggled for months with depression, sleepless nights, suicidal thoughts, dark thoughts, and isolation but my sister was there for me each and every morning and each and every night. She slept by my side to protect me from myself, from any self-harm that she thought I may inflict upon myself. I still remember her soft voice, “Everything will be alright. Get some sleep.” She said this nearly every night, and I still am reminded of it when I am having a rough day. She slept by my side for months. I didn’t matter if I told her that I was better, she refused to stop until she felt like I was better. She set me “free” and once I was free, she helped me find myself again, she helped me find my self-worth and taught me to love myself.

She continued to mentor me through high school. After my assault, I found it difficult to even hold a conversation with someone that I liked. I feared to get into a relationship. I feared emotional and physical abuse. I feared to be torn apart and ruined again. I feared to be alone. I found it hard to be emotionally attached to someone.

I never had the opportunity to lose my virginity to someone that I love. It took all the bravery and courage in the world to have sex again. I had to learn that sex could be enjoyable. Learn to view it not as a trigger but as pleasure. That it could be an empowering and beautiful thing. That you can ask for what you want from your partner in bed. You can have a voice when it comes to sex. I did not have to let my past destroy that. I will probably never be able to skip into a sexual situation and feel unburdened and carefree and safe. I have been blessed with my last two partners, who have helped me progress and grown. Right now, I feel safe with my partner in ways I haven’t felt safe for my entire life. I’ve been able to reach new boundaries that I never thought I’d reach! There are times where I break and I can’t do something, like bondage for an extended period of time, but I am getting better. I am strictly for gentle, soft, and intimate sex, because I can’t handle anything rough, quick, or violent. All the broken pieces rush to the surface and I am reminded of the event and no matter what sexual setting I am in, there will always be fear in the back of my mind. I am blessed to have someone in my life to show me the ropes to a new life and to give me all that I have ever wanted.

I wanted to share my story with everyone with the intent that it may inspire some, even if that is only one person. Part of the overall healing process is sharing your story and by sharing my story with the hundreds of people that may stumble across my post, will help me. This was a testament for me. I have finally decided that I’d share my story with my girlfriend. I am still fearful of sharing it with my family, other than my sister. I am concerned about causing my parents stress, having them envision something so cruel to be done to their daughter. I am scared that my brother may hunt him down and kill him. And mostly, I am scared of being looked at differently.

Most people view me as one of the happiest people on Earth, but I am broken. So here I am – imperfect and vulnerable and uncomfortable because I want every single person who reads this to know life after trauma can be pretty damn spectacular.

(Continued in Comments)

With all the love,
~Lia
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Comments

  1. Old Comment
    The Slutty Princess's Avatar
    Because of my story, I have learned the power of consent. Because of my story, I fell in love with one of the most amazing human beings. Because of my story, I have learned that my bravery and courage have no bounds. It has made me stronger. I am a warrior in both spirit and mind. And lastly, because of my story, I have learned to love those around me. I know a deeper and more profound empathy for all those who are suffering. I am the person I am today because of my story. I believe that I am better off healed than I was unbroken.

    To any of you that have suffered from rape, assault, or any kind of trauma or PTSD;
    I want you to know you are lovable, valuable, and powerful.
    I want you to know that it wasn’t your fault, no matter what those voices tell you inside your head.
    I want you to know that there are people out there that care for you and that love you..broken or complete.
    I want you to know that your feelings matter. You shouldn’t keep them to yourself. Tell them to the people you love, the people who care about you. I am also a private message away if you need to talk.
    I want you to know that you don’t need to rush to heal, but you also don’t have to stay broken.
    And lastly, I want you to know your life is not over after tragedy.
    Posted 01-17-2017 at 01:04 PM by The Slutty Princess The Slutty Princess is offline
  2. Old Comment
    CSasha's Avatar
    Thank you for the bravery to share this private story with us. Such a horrible crime should happen to no one. But it is and is going to be and so it is even more important to speak out about it and keep an eye on it regarding what we can do the most: mainly educating about consent, making ourselves aware what it is and that we should harm our friends and other fellow human beings as well as that it's never our fault and that there is no reason for shame if it happened to us. And therefore, hopefully, no reason to keep it for ourselves. I suspect guilt and shame cause many trouble to heal from it. The most difficult part with these things is that reason and logic don't help with the feelings.

    Decades ago my girlfriend then told me about the sexual abuse by her brother she had suffered, and how her parents hadn't fully supported her. I didn't know what to do, how to help her, how to support her to live a happy life despite that past.

    I wish you all the power and support, best reactions from your friend and whoever you are going to tell. I appreciate the many strong sentences you are sharing from your path of healing. Great share.
    Posted 01-17-2017 at 05:13 PM by CSasha CSasha is offline
  3. Old Comment
    thewilds's Avatar
    I can't imagine what you went through at the time, and ever since, the turmoil and distrust that you had to push through. I hope you have inspired anyone who has been through any such crime, to learn from your strength. I would also hope that it will give insight to anyone who does not respect consent to think again, and become a human being.

    I feel that this is something to share with Sammie. I hope sharing it here gives you that strength. No one deserves to have gone through that experience. A virtual hug,
    Love,
    The Wilds
    Posted 01-17-2017 at 05:43 PM by thewilds thewilds is offline
  4. Old Comment
    I could not read this without saying something in response. I cannot imagine the courage it takes to write publicly about something so very personal. You have my respect and my very best wishes for the future. Yours is a story with a positive ending and I hope it stays that way. For anyone in your position who reads this, I hope it gives them hope and comfort for the future.
    Posted 01-17-2017 at 06:21 PM by fieldman fieldman is offline
  5. Old Comment
    Wedgiebondagebabe's Avatar
    You are an angel in disguise for an unnamed soul. Thats what I like to think. Thinking about how I could help someone else one day. I wish I had the courage to share my story like you shared yours. There are so many things that make me close up into my mind and hide from the rest of the world. In a different sense, I understand the not having control over your body because I thought I lost mine for months. Different situations and different stories, but hearing how you over came it is something I am still struggling with myself so thank you. I found GetDare as a way to express some of the things in my mind that no one would understand, but I never expected the people I would find that are in the same types of struggles and pains. You are a beautiful person that has courage and bravery to share her story and I can only wish to be where you are in peace some day. I wish you all the luck in having this conversation with your girlfriend.
    Posted 01-17-2017 at 08:17 PM by Wedgiebondagebabe Wedgiebondagebabe is offline
  6. Old Comment
    MasterDaddy02's Avatar
    Lia,
    I remember that first story you shared about being raped last year, but you shared as little as possible about the full details. You have faced a very uphill battle. You have had to overcome so very much from what was done to you. Rape is not a easy acted to deal with as most rapes are done by good friends or a family member. Shock does take effect as the rape is being done, because of that trusting of the rapist. You have shared your courage and what that night did to you in knocking you down. How you almost took your life over what was not your fault. That boy, didn't care about your feelings nor the respect for you. I am so very glad that your sister saved your life. Because your life was worth so much more. Your story should be shared with Sammie, so that she can help you through those rough times that you must deal with. It is something that she truly need to know.
    Thank you for hoping your story will help others who have faced the samething. You are a very special and beautiful woman.
    Posted 01-18-2017 at 08:13 PM by MasterDaddy02 MasterDaddy02 is offline
  7. Old Comment
    The Slutty Princess's Avatar
    Thank you all for your beautiful, supportive, and inspiring comments and messages that I've received over the past few days, I am beyond grateful! When I sat down to write this blog, my intent was to hopefully be that "angel in disguise" that you mentioned, and inspire or help someone that may have or is currently suffering a traumatic event. I am thankful that I have touched some of you!

    I went through with the hard decision to tell my girlfriend and it actually went very well. I was a little worried that she may be upset that I had kept it a secret from her but she gave me the utmost comfort and she gave me a shoulder to cry on. I am thankful that I went through with my decision, as I feel that it has only brought us closer to one another and has strengthened our relationship.
    Posted 01-20-2017 at 08:09 PM by The Slutty Princess The Slutty Princess is offline
  8. Old Comment
    sir sam's Avatar
    little late, I was away and missed the story.
    But thanks for posting.
    Your writing ability is amazing. Even though i am a guy (well,. not sure I should say "even though, but still") I can feel the tension.
    I never had such bad experience and I am super gratefull for that. But I know many who had and all of them have or had difficulties in coping with that.
    You are one of the sunniest people on gd and it is really very nice to read a story from someone who found herself again.
    Posted 01-21-2017 at 03:19 AM by sir sam sir sam is offline
  9. Old Comment
    Danii9207's Avatar
    Thank you for sharing this! This was an extremely difficult read and I am still having trouble reading the details of the aftermath. You've done an amazing job articulating your experiences, and I think it is something every high school student (and older) should read. This is definitely something everyone can draw inspiration from. And maybe/hopefully, for boys entering high school, they will know the damage they can do to another human being.
    Posted 01-21-2017 at 09:07 PM by Danii9207 Danii9207 is offline
 

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