The Word NO (Cont'd; as it applies to having... boundaries)
This is actually written in response to naughtylittlegirl's blog posts on safety (Part 1 and Part 2). If you haven't read them yet, you should go read them. And if you're somehow reading MY blog, but haven't read hers yet, you must not frequent the blog section. I highly recommend doing so and her blogs in particular. 
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Being comfortable saying no - again, I'm something of a brat. I say no plenty. It's actually one of the first things I learned to watch for. How does a dom react when I say no? Some push, some leave it alone, and some just want to know why. It's important to me that I feel comfortable saying no. Almost (for those of you who don't know, that's my dom) actually asks me to do things all the time that he expects me to say no to. Some people might see that as him being pushy and trying to pressure me into breaking a limit. But he doesn't pester me with things. He just asks to see if the answer is still no. But that's the thing. He's EXPECTING a no. Which means that he's OK with me saying no. I can't speak for the dom side of things, but I would think it's important to them to know their sub is comfortable saying no. It makes a yes mean so much more.
The other thing I think some people don't realize is the importance of limits. Limits don't just have to be about what kinds of play you will or won't do. After my first time chatting with someone who told me I'm "not really submissive," I realized a few things:
a. I suck at communicating when I'm in the midst of an emotional exchange.
b. Although I AM a real submissive, I'm not a very typical one.
c. I have a few triggers that I tend to overreact to and because of (a.), I won't SAY what's going on. Or at least bother to explain it in detail.
So I wrote a note to myself about all my little idiosyncrasies. I add to it when I find a new trigger. It's not something I publish. It's just in my journal for my own self-awareness. And when I feel like someone is having trouble understanding how to interact with me, I'll share it with them.
It's basically a list of my mental and emotional limits. As a sub, I think there's a lot of value in learning myself well enough to be able to tell my dom (or anyone I talk to, for that matter) things that I won't react well to.
Edit 1/17/2015: Adding this to the Words category even though it's not precisely semantics. Now that I have a Words thing going.
/end advertisementBeing comfortable saying no - again, I'm something of a brat. I say no plenty. It's actually one of the first things I learned to watch for. How does a dom react when I say no? Some push, some leave it alone, and some just want to know why. It's important to me that I feel comfortable saying no. Almost (for those of you who don't know, that's my dom) actually asks me to do things all the time that he expects me to say no to. Some people might see that as him being pushy and trying to pressure me into breaking a limit. But he doesn't pester me with things. He just asks to see if the answer is still no. But that's the thing. He's EXPECTING a no. Which means that he's OK with me saying no. I can't speak for the dom side of things, but I would think it's important to them to know their sub is comfortable saying no. It makes a yes mean so much more.
The other thing I think some people don't realize is the importance of limits. Limits don't just have to be about what kinds of play you will or won't do. After my first time chatting with someone who told me I'm "not really submissive," I realized a few things:
a. I suck at communicating when I'm in the midst of an emotional exchange.
b. Although I AM a real submissive, I'm not a very typical one.
c. I have a few triggers that I tend to overreact to and because of (a.), I won't SAY what's going on. Or at least bother to explain it in detail.
So I wrote a note to myself about all my little idiosyncrasies. I add to it when I find a new trigger. It's not something I publish. It's just in my journal for my own self-awareness. And when I feel like someone is having trouble understanding how to interact with me, I'll share it with them.
It's basically a list of my mental and emotional limits. As a sub, I think there's a lot of value in learning myself well enough to be able to tell my dom (or anyone I talk to, for that matter) things that I won't react well to.
Edit 1/17/2015: Adding this to the Words category even though it's not precisely semantics. Now that I have a Words thing going.
Total Comments 7
Comments
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This is so very, very good - wow, do I love your posts. I know exactly what you mean about having difficult communicating when things get emotional (half the time I'm just trying to work out what I'm feeling - putting it into words is a whole other hurdle) and not being a typical submissive - but it is so important to know who I am and to stick to what I want to be rather than becoming what everyone else wants me to be.
I love your idea of a list of mental and emotional limits - I love lists, and this would probably be a better plan than me just trying to remember them when chatting with someone. But what has the most impact on me here is that being able to say 'no' makes saying 'yes' have so much more meaningful. I have tried to ensure that my submission is based on conscious choice, every single act, not just an automatic or habitual response, but a real decision to obey, because I want it to always have genuine meaning. But, as strange as it sounds, I had not considered that what I say 'no' to would also give meaning to what I say 'yes' to, and now you've given me a lot of thinking to do...Posted 07-03-2014 at 02:53 PM by naughtylittlegirl 
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I love love love the part about writing down your emotional and mental limits. Realizing what triggers make you shut down and unable to communicate is amazing. I am well-aware that I have things like that as well. Things that make me just want to curl up and hide and not talk to anyone and if they happen to be brought up in the middle of playing or something I really don't know how to react or deal with it. I am lucky that Top Hat is pretty good at catching when something is more than just mentally uncomfortable and is actually bad for me.
I think I am going to steal your idea of writing them down just so I know them.
Anyway, I love all your blog posts and this one is no different. Thanks for sharing (:Posted 07-03-2014 at 03:36 PM by **Mandi**
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@naughtylittlegirl: Thanks again! I love yours too. *basks in mutual post loving*
Yeah, that whole not communicating well DURING the problem is part of what made me write the list. The other is that I don't answer questions well on the spot. So when asked WHY I have an issue with something, I can never answer.
I'm a major list fan as well. It seems like a daunting task, but I started by listing everything I could think of. And, slowly went back and added explanations for each. It took me roughly 2 weeks. And I have it saved to my electronic journal which is available on my phone AND laptop. So anytime something comes up, I jot it down and carry on about my day. Then I'm able to fill it in with more detail at my leisure.
I have a few "Fuck Off" buttons. They're not all obvious. And some are things that several doms expect to be able to say. For some reason, these particular phrases really get to me. And instead of making me feel more subby (which they're normally intended to do) they make me wanna push back. And not in the "to see if I can" way. But instead of saying "No, and I don't like that phrase," (because, you know, that would be the HEALTHY way to do things) I just bare my teeth, dig my heels in, and prepare for battle.
So I figure if I jot everything down when I'm actually coherent, I can just send them the link. And we can discuss it after I've calmed down. Although it's not as good as me actually being able to express myself at the time, I've found that it helps prevent misunderstandings.
As far as the word no meaning something vs. the yes, it kinda came to me one day. A couple of weeks ago, Almost asked me "Is this one of those I'm-just-going-along-with-it-because-that's-what-the-Dom-wants things?" And I realized that he actually wants to know my level of enthusiasm about the things we do. I mean, I try to tell him when I've had fun, what I don't like, send him things I find that I'd like to try, and I've even made a "Meh" category in my Likes/Limits. But, I'd never realized before that he's actually evaluating all of my responses to figure out how much I want to try something. And that me being excited about trying something makes him more excited too.
@**Mandi**: Glad you like it! I think it's an important thing to keep track of and share. Things like "I don't do titles," are just as worth mentioning as types of play you don't engage in. I got pretty lucky with Almost in that I didn't even realize my triggers were getting in the way, because he never hit them. It took other people hitting them for me to realize how big of a deal they were to me. I figured since he'd been awesome enough to not hit them after our first 2 months, he was just smart enough to go carefully with me. But, still, they're worth a mention. In the interest of full disclosure. Because he's bound to hit one eventually. And, I love your blog posts tooooo. Posted 07-03-2014 at 04:01 PM by kittenlyss
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Omg! I just recently got out of a relationship that lasted over 10 years with ... well i wouldn't call it abusive in the strictest sense of the word, but it left a lot of mental scars, not the least of which is i pretty much lost the ability to say no to someone else even at the risk of detriment to myself. I am soooo lucky that Miss understands that and one of out biggest points right now in my training is getting me to a place where I'm comfortable enough to be able to say no. And beyond that to tell her what i want and/or need. I fear what might have happened had a dom/me who didnt care gotten a hold of me without me being able to really 'defend' myself! *shudder*Posted 07-03-2014 at 04:31 PM by pet monkey
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Yes, I have a few of those kind of triggers too - and I've had to learn to say I don't like it, I'm not comfortable with it, etc. And this is something I have a hard time with and need to work on a lot, because often I don't know what is just me having an 'off' moment and what I actually need to tell the dom. It gets so damn confusing sometimes.
Posted 07-03-2014 at 04:36 PM by naughtylittlegirl
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Oh, i forgot to say "THANK YOU for posting this!" It is good to have thebtopic out in thebopen to discuss!
Posted 07-03-2014 at 04:40 PM by pet monkey
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@colosubguy: I'm sorry to hear that you had anything close to an abusive relationship. But, I am super glad that you found the awesome HappyMe instead of getting caught by a big, bad Domme. And THANK YOU for joining in on the discussion. I really only blogged about it because it got stuck in my head. As do most of my blogs before I decide to get them out.
@naughtylittlegirl: I hope you continue making good progress on both being able to say no and identifying and mentioning triggers to your dom. It does get awfully confusing.Posted 07-03-2014 at 05:06 PM by kittenlyss
