It's OK to Vulnerable

As part of a new, and temporary rule, I've effectively got to blog about something I'm uncomfortable talking about for one final day...today its vulnerability (a semi-cheat as it's just summing up how opening up has made me feel but it feel's right)

When I originally came up with a daily embarrassing blog rule for the 100 challenge it seemed relatively safe. It only had a 1 in 20 chance of being picked and how bad could it really be anyway? Thanks to fate, and Cassandra, I'm now 10 blogs in and feel emotionally naked (which is a lot less fun than being physically naked let me tell you ). I'm a naturally private person yet have entirely exposed my inner thoughts and humiliating experiences, too sensitive even for the ears/eyes of those I care about most, to total strangers on the internet. It's been scary & more emotionally challenging than expected; but also therapeutic and incredibly liberating.

My kink "failures" have been humiliating to share so openly but it's the intimate details of my life has been the toughest by far; from my current health issues, feelings of insecurity to admitting (for the first time) that my depression had grown so dark in the past that I'd contemplated suicide. Clearly, a small part of me wanted to do these blogs; I came up with the rule, I opened myself up to anyone giving it I and willingly agreed to 5 days worth of blogs twice (I could have just re-rolled or ignored the PM dare after all). I expected it to be humiliating, and it has been, but in a less fun kinky way that I'm used to into much darker territory.

All of that makes it sound like I regret my various blogs (cough, long rambles ) but I honestly don't. I won't be deleting them when no-one's looking or dwelling too long on regret. For better, or worse, they're who I am. Me at my weakest. Me at my most vulnerable. And that's OK. I spend too much time trying to mask my weaknesses or punish myself for my mistakes when that's simply not healthy (although with my self-analytical mind it's a trap I'm sure to fall into again). As a new-ish member allowing you to see the real me has been as illuminating for me as I hope it's been for anyone who's managed to make it through reading them, my feelings aren't unusual and I won't necessarily be laughed at for them.

Thanks to anyone who's read and enjoyed my blogs over the last week and a bit; but especially Butterfly & Pariahterror for the courage to make it more personal than originally intended but also Cassandra for not only "forcing" me to continue opening up but provide enough encouragement for me to actually want to. I'll try to keep up an irregular blog but if I don't my rules to force me are literally just a PM dare away. I'll try to end this on some kind of "big thought" that I'll try to follow - Allow yourself to be vulnerable; your imperfections make you beautifully human not an ugly duckling, your failures build your character to be stronger not weaker and every part of you opened up allows someone to get to know the real you that little better.