The days in school gone wrong!!

[slaved ftw]

Okay now when you read this please give your thoughts on the story.

Characters:
Ali- A girl with long blonde hair she is captain of her school's soccer team and is head cheerleader.

Jason: The smartest guy in his grade who skipped 2 grades he is also very good at soccer as well as baseball.

Kayla: Jason's ex girl freind and Ali's best freind. She has long brown hair she is also on the soccer team and cheerleading squad.

Zak: Jason's best freind since he (jason) was 5. He has been there for Jason all the time.

These charaters are all 16 years old except for Jason who is 14.


It was a clear morning the sun was shining and those were the days Ali,Jason,Kayla,and Zak walked to school together. Zak was really on edge since he forgot to have his coffee."Oh my @#$% god!!" yelled Ali "You dont even need coffee do you see yourself!?!?" screamed Kayla "SHUT THE @#$% UP KAYLA!!!!!!!" "I'm sorry but yea sorry." "It's okay." now after that Zak pull out a pack of gum. Then he shoved a peice in his mouth really fast."Hey Zak."said Jason "yes?" "can i have a peice?" "yea" after that all of them had peices of gum and Zak was once again calm.As they walked into school a voice appeared out of nowear "Hey Zak...."said a girl who came up to him her name was Stacy she was in his 1st and 4th period classes.He knew she had a major crush on him to she was smart and pretty but Zak had his eyes set on another girl."Zak d..d..do you wanna go out with me?" "I am sorry but no." "Way to let her down easy." Jason said with his famous little grin.

Okay people please write what you thought about my story its only my 2nd 1 so far so help me out:D

[sexyboi]

pretty skockingly shit tbh :confused:

[Trystaan]

Please give constructive criticism, have you tried writing a story. try it then come back and judge.

[slaved ftw]

this all real i hope you know...

[Dicedarefan666]

Slow it down, use spacing, proper grammar, and spelling.

Next try to include side conversations only if the contribute to the main plot line, and lengthen the posts of the story.

I understand that story writing is difficult, but it's not that great at the moment.

[slaved ftw]

ok ty im just trying to get better at story making so i will accept all HELPFUL!!! critasism.

[slaved ftw]

After Zak had said no to Stacy Jason went to class along with Kayla, and Ali but Zak had to go to a soccer meet. Along the way Zak say his sister's freinds who was a grade higher then him as he walked by Jessica said,"Hey Zak can you come over after school? I need some help." "okay....sure i gusse". So finally after school Zak told Kayla that he couldn't play soccer today then after he left he knocked on Jessica's door when she came to the door she welcomed him in. "Okay now Jess what did you need help with?" "I didn't but do you wanna stay for a party later?" "sure why not." "now the party starts in half an hour." after the party started everyone was having a good time then before the party was over Jess slipped a pill into Zak's water without him even realizing it. "What what the !@#$ where am I!!!" screamed Zak "SHUT UP BITCH!!" in confusion Zak tried getting up but he was hand cuffed to a metal pole. "Okay now Zak your gonna be my slave now or else i'll tell your sister all about how you cross dress!!" "WHAT THE HELL I'M NOT A FRIKKEN CROSS DRESSER!!!!" I know that but your sister dosn't." after an hour of them going back and forth Jess said "Okay now if you be my slave nothing bad will happen it's only for a week okay?" "fine!" Jess started writing stuff on a peice of paper. "Oh yea and Zak if you say anything i'll give these pictures to your sister." on the pictures it had Zak wearing a stuffed bra,make up, a blonde wig, and some really small pair of panties. "what i never wore those!!" "yes you did when i drugged you." "YOU MOTHER FU!.." "SHUT UP YOU LITTLE SLUT!!" "now i'm done heres the rules :Rule 1 always call me misstes or you have to be my slave a day longer.Rule 2 you must let me choose what you wear every day.Rule 3 I will not interfear with your life at school but when your out of school your mine." "fine."

Okay im trying to make a good story help me by telling what you would do.

[SubMissChievous]

If you want to get some good tips & advices on how to improve your stories may I suggest you have a look a Smile Guy's Advice For Writing Stories (http://www.getdare.com/bbs/showpost.php?p=6403&postcount=2)

You can also lurk and read some of the stories already posted in this section. Look at the ones with 5 stars next to the titles.

My first and only suggestion at this point would be to proof read and spell check. Try to make some paragraphs so the reading "flows" a little better for readers. Your story isn't bad at all but I found it hard to read with the lack of punctuation and spelling errors...

Still good luck with it. You have something fairly interesting to work with but I think working on those points I mentioned would make it a bit better :)

[slaved ftw]

im very sorry its just im a terrible speller but that won't spot me now =)