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slaved ftw
04-11-2010, 08:08 PM
15 year old Jake he was an average student with good grades and all that.There was one girl he did love her name was Alison now she was a well fit,she was 5'8,also she had long blond hair,and she was an athletic girl who liked Jake. Now Alison was into slavery and she knew Jake was willing to do any dares.So Alison got a very good idea after first period she went up to Jake and said,"Hheyy Jake you want to play a little game?' then with a very swift reply Jake said,"Yea sure what do you have in mind?' Jake sounded very excited!! all of a suden Alison just stated, "Yes or No?' so naturaly Jake replied even faster then before,"YES YES YES WHAT IS IT I'LL PLAY ANY GAME!!!!!!" and at that moment Alison said,"ok but u cant go back so meet me at my place after school ok?" "yes" Jake said as he stood there.


Ok so let me know what you all think and ill get back to you :D

Belisarius
04-11-2010, 08:19 PM
What's up? I'm also new her, so I decided to comment (obviously). Anyway, this has potential, but you need to do something: SLOW DOWN. Who is Allison? Put in more detail and length. Also, try to stay fresh. Don't just have a run-ot-the-mill slave/master story, give it some creative twists.

Good Luck!

n25n0598
04-12-2010, 01:09 PM
I'm sorry but I can't read this story if your posts are going to have such bad grammar. I counted 10 mistakes in the first sentence alone. Run your posts through Microsoft Word, edit them, then post what you've written. The storyline has the potential to be good, but this simply doesn't matter if people can't read the posts.

slaved ftw
04-12-2010, 06:00 PM
:) ok srry bout mistakes and ill try to do better im bad in any type of english....ty for the microsof tip

slaved ftw
04-12-2010, 06:19 PM
I'm sorry but I can't read this story if your posts are going to have such bad grammar. I counted 10 mistakes in the first sentence alone. Run your posts through Microsoft Word, edit them, then post what you've written. The storyline has the potential to be good, but this simply doesn't matter if people can't read the posts.

Ok i tried to find all my mistakes as you said.Please reread the story and comment on it now.:D

slaved ftw
04-12-2010, 06:37 PM
"Okay i'm here Ali Ali are you there?" Jake said this once more when Ali came up right behinde him and said,"Yes Jake i'm here" after Ali welcomed Jake in she said,"Okay you ready for our game?" Jake just nodded his head.Then Ali went in her garage and brought back a soccer ball,with 2 mini goals."Okay Jakey boy heres the game." "soccer?" "yes soccer" "well then lets get things started!!".They both agreed on playing up to 5 points.During the first round Jake made not 1 but 2!! swift goals.When Jake got cocky Ali started getting goals even faster!! the score was already 4 (Ali) 2(Jake).Just when Ali went for the last goal Jake started playing better,faster,and even harder then before!!! he made 2 more quick shots,and Ali stole the ball from him.Then she ran at full speed down the field Jake thought it was over when he got a suden burst of adrenalin!!! Even thought Ali was faster then Jake at that moment he was even faster then her!! as he ran with great speed he got the ball.With vigores speed he ran back down the field then he made the shot in the left hand corner!! He started cheering as Ali said,"WOW Jake that was some game." then right before Jake could thank her she kissed him after like 3 minutes Jake exclaimed,"HEY ALI GUSSE WHAT!!! your gonna be my slave!!" Ali stood there in amazment,"how how how did you gusse that was what I was gonna make you do?" "I gussed because well ummmm i didn't really.....".So after an hour of them going back and forth Jake said,"hey Ali do do you wanna go out with me?":eek:

Okay guys agian tell me how you think i did and Ali is short for Alison.Also feel free to give some negitive comments.

blueboy
04-18-2010, 04:23 PM
I'm sorry dude, but your posts are too short and there is too much unnecessary information provided. Also, your grammar is pretty bad. Work on these things and you will have a good story

tfd
04-18-2010, 04:31 PM
I have to concurr, I see potential in the story, but there seems to be an absent lack of any grammar whatsoever. -.-

"15 year old Jake he was an average student with good grades and all that. There was one girl he did love her name was Alison now she was a well fit,she was 5'8,also she had long blond hair,and she was an athletic girl who liked Jake."

Try:

"Jake was an average fifteen year old. He was a middle of the road teenager, his grades nothing exceptional, but there was something odd about him. Jake knew a beautiful girl, Alison. He had known her for a while, but each day he was around her felt like something new to him. Alison was athletic, she had long, gorgeous chestnut brown hair, and stood up to Jake, claiming she was "far taller" than him, although realistically only being an inch or so taller than him, at a towering five foot, eight inches."

Pros:
It's longer.
It's grammatically correct (AFAIK).
It's got more info presented in a much more even way.

Cons:
It takes more effort and time to write.
It requires multiple redrafts to get sentence balance perfect.