Enslaved. (Fictional)

[Wedgieboy1337]

A normal school day. Nothing really happened much until AFTER school in the library. I was doing my homework when I decided to check out my posts on GetDare.com. I logged on and then suddenly Alexa Marks. A girl who I wasnt really friends or enemies with. I just didnt know her well. Came over (probably knowing that I had A's and B's in all subjects) and asked if I could help her on some Biology homework. And by reflex i slammed my laptop closed hoping she didnt notice the site I was on. "Oh sorry I interupted you" she told me sympatheticly "Ill just give you my number and you can help me later. If its ok?" "uh uh um...sure" I stuttered. She wrote something on a peice of paper and handed to me "later grant" she said then walked away.
I opened the paper and looked at it. It had her number on it. But there was something else.

Grant,
I saw you on GetDare. I doubt your parents or friends know that you go there. I will tell them all unless you come to my house this weekend. My parents are out of town. Tell your parents im your girlfriend and that your staying here for the weekend. See you their.
Alexa.

"Oh crap.." I muttered thinking about what will happened.

PART ONE PEOPLE ILL WRITE PART TWO SOON

[Wedgieboy1337]

I went to my parents house and told them. They were cool about it. Then I went to alexa's house. She was waiting for me. "Welcome grant" she said "I have written some 'rules' for you to follow. I looked at the paper she handed me.

Rules to Slavery.

1. You will do everything I say. And do nothing I dont say.
2. You will not complain about anything that happens.
3. You will not be released from me until spring break. Which is in 3 months.
4. You will tell NOBODY of our arrangement.

"Ready?" She said. "uh....ok." i muttered moderatly cautious. "im hungry" she said "Make me some food. I will not tell you what I want to eat. But if you get it wrong their will be punishment. I will tell you that what I want can be made wit hthe materials in the kitchen, and does not need an oven or stove. I walked into the kitchen and searched around. I saw cereal and grabbed it. I also snatched the milk and made a bowl of it. I brought it outside to her and gave it to her. "Its lunch not breakfast" she complained. "come here" i walked over to her "now turn around" i turned around and felt her pull back my pants. and underwear. She dumped the cereal in my underwear, then gave me a really big wedgie. And man was she strong. She lifted me an inch off the ground and carried me outside where a rope was slung over a tree. She threaded it through my underwear and tied a knot. THen she pulled me up off a few feet off the ground and tied the other end of the rope to the tree trunk. "this is one of my many punishments" she said. She then pulled my pants down. And pulled out my belt. She then Spanked me 5 times on each cheek and then untied the rope.
"This is just the beginning" she said evily.

END OF PART TWO. NO PART 3 UNTIL I GET ATLEASR 2 DIFFERENT COMMENTS

[Slenderman - Doctor]

The idea is good, but the pace is too fast.

My main two comments would be...

1. Slow down. You've gone from two people who don't really know each other (or, at least, that's the impression I got) to some rather extreme rules and slavery in two short sections. Take your time with the detail and give us some background information. As of yet, I don't know what either of the characters look like and I have no idea about who they are. I know getting to the main action is the best bit, but you need to create some tension and back-story to make it realistic.

2. Spread things out a bit. Put the speech on new lines and add more detail.

:)

[Dicedarefan666]

So far, you have failed miserably at spelling and grammar. For this reason I seriously recommend at least typing your story into word first, letting it catch all the obvious mistakes before posting. If you really cared about it, it would be better to leave it in a word document for a day, sleep on it, and come at your story and revise it again with a fresh perspective, noticing even more errors that perhaps slipped through the spell-check function.

And while you may think it's interesting to reference this site in a story posted on this site, just keep in mind that there is a fine line between postmodern and cool, and just a cliché we've all heard one too many times already.

On a similar note, the concept of blackmail is a bit tired as well. I hope for everyone's sake that you manage to put in a twist that demonstrates some quantity of ingenuity or originality and hence, makes the story more readable. I will be honest however, and say now that I have my doubts.

Also, saying

END OF PART TWO. NO PART 3 UNTIL I GET ATLEASR 2 DIFFERENT COMMENTS

makes you seem rather immature, even apart from the terrible use of capitalization and punctuation, inability to spell or even form a complete sentence. This is mostly because it seems as though you a fishing for compliments. While I do acknowledge the fact that it's much easier to keep writing if said writing is appreciated, most people will voice their support or distaste for a story without you asking them to. That just seems to be a fact of life, and to perhaps a greater extent, of getDare specifically.

If you choose to continue the story, I wish you the best of luck. However, unless you make some fairly significant changes, I doubt I will be a part of your readership.

(Also: Curse you Marvin, you beat me to it!)

[Wedgieboy1337]

Meh i read this over. It sucks. and im to lazy to fix it. NOBODY CONTINUE READING THIS THREAD OR POSTING IM NOT UPDATING IT OR EDITING IT ANYMORE